Now I feel isolated from…

…major issues in Jakarta. It started when friends talked about constant rain in Jakarta that I hardly experienced here. Ubud is quite dry although not totally dry. Then, a friend talked about rain with ice drops in south Jakarta. Then, about short storm in some afternoons. And of course, about the Situ Gintung dam disaster that hit last Friday that the location is actually not far from the center of Jakarta.

A Facebook friend posted a lot about the coming election that he urged his friends to vote. I didn’t realize that election is nine days away from today. I don’t see any escalating busy-ness in Ubud and Bali in general except the posters and billboards everywhere that don’t look nice. People don’t talk about it either. Ah…

I walked to Linda’s yoga studio this morning. My new routine. Since I found out her place is five minutes away from my house, I enjoy walking to her place more. It’s a real experience walking in the jungle a la Ubud and actually so convenient. I was the only attendee the first five minutes class started then came two more. In the end, we felt like Linda gave us a private lesson. She paid attention to our pose especially difficult one. She fixed our poses by pushing and pulling our body that I felt auch! She was so patient in showing how we are supposed to stretch our bodies. Think I made big progress since actively attended her class these three weeks.

We had nice talk before class since we are now friends on Facebook. Since I missed Michael Franti’s show last Saturday, I feel the need to connect more with Ubudian. We are close yet so far since Ubudian are usually busy in their own world. Facebook is more like short text message but send to all. I got at least two friends interested in going to Winnie Rode Concert next week since I sent out details of the event. That is nice!

Before home, I learned that Linda’s business is only 3 months old! I thought I had missed a good place close to my house since day one I live in Ubud. I only missed it two months at least! I’m so happy to learn that. It’s so nice to listen to her story how lucky she was and is with business and else. She showed me a real example of to always think positive. She is a real yogi in and out.

I spent rest of the day working at home. I feel malu now that I haven’t made a significant progress. Same old song. I’m getting there. Very close…

A billboard I saw in Sunset Road, Denpasar.

I think I’m facing writer’s block…

…the past days. Or, I didn’t push hard enough to start writing. Signs not good. I only played memories of the day in mind but my blank sheet stayed blank. Anyway, I don’t want to be trapped in such so I push harder now.

Like when a friend called me on Sunday afternoon when I was in my top lazy in the heat. She invited me to join her dinner in Sanur. I was indecisive but ‘meet people spirit' won. Glad my Ubud friend liked to come along. I enjoyed the evening. It’s always nice to meet unique personalities. Yea, my two friends are already unique and these three other ladies are the same. I admired how they often had ideas that sound unusual but brilliant. I come to a conclusion that people who come to live in Bali don’t just sit around and do nothing. Many people I met have great ideas of what to do for community and themselves. I really enjoyed my time being with high spirited ladies. I forgot that I'd been so unwilling to go a few hours back.

I had nice day yesterday. I thought I could never make it since I went to sleep the night before feeling very sore. I got home close to midnight then spent some time to shower and did ritual before sleep. But in the morning I told myself I had to go to Denpasar or I would not feel good for owing errands to myself. So I went and felt satisfied to have pushed myself since the day turned out not bad at all.

I’m satisfied with my beads buddy’s creation out of wooden beads (I thought) I could not use. I’m so happy to see someone could go as funky as me in design. He is another example of businessman with lots of ideas and has passion in what he does. I hardly came and left his shop, we often spent lengthy time to review his beads creation. Anyway, I came out of his shop with new ideas that I should have discovered long time ago. But no shoulda, the time is now.

Hm what’s now. I’m cooking ideas.

A song without music I found on my way to yoga studio.

It’s still dark outside and my body sore from…

…attending real yoga session yesterday. I was so sleepy last night that I resigned around 10 pm. I was up very early too yesterday. It’s a special day – hari raya Kuningan – that again many business places closed. People wearing nice baju adat carrying offerings. In houses, offerings looked merry and a lot!

I walked to the yoga studio. Linda, my regular yoga teacher, often challenged me since I always took car and parked in a supermarket nearby. It was a nice walk along even narrower path but green. The path was so quiet and rough, I felt like walking in Enyd Blyton’s adventure. I came across many unusual views like abandoned houses and ex business premises. It’s strange because the path looked well walked.

It turned out the studio is very close to my house, very! I texted Linda that I prefer to take car since I walk even more from the supermarket. She laughed. So I arrived the studio much too early. I used the time waiting by sitting still. The studio is perfect for meditation and yoga. Lots of sunlight and the view is beyond comparison.

I enjoyed the class very much. It seems that I have to work on yogic pranayama (yogic breath) more since I found out I breathe more evenly after a session. Sky, the yogic, has a special pranayama class in other studio. He is good. I think yoga is an amazing way to twist body as well as mind. We are urged to keep minding our breath while body under strain. Amazing that actually we can do if we pay attention to the breath after settle in the difficult position. Sky also suggested us to utter even shout to release the tension. I really enjoyed his class, pity he rarely had longer session like these two Saturdays.

Ayuk and her sister was preparing offering for my car when I got home. It was so nice of them making the nice decoration for the car. I felt like being included in the festive mood. Only later I could not decide what to do with the lungsuran (food after being blessed). So much fruits and food. Some looked not edible but throwing food to trash is not an easy decision for me. It took me long time to decide what to do with the food in sokasi (palm box). As an Ida Ayu, Ayuk is not allowed to consume lungsuran. That explains why many offerings end up in trash. I don’t mind consuming if edible (of course because I also don't belong to the caste system). Anyway, I made quick selection of the food and keep all the fruits. And after my landlord came with another plate of fruit, I made commitment to myself to just eat fruits in the coming days.

The afternoon was super hot. I shopped groceries then hurry home. I felt like melting. I spent the rest of the day chatting with a good friend while composing pictures I took. I also became interested in movements to stop the new Facebook. I asked a cousin once why she thought the new one is not nice. She was positive, maybe I’m not yet used to, she said. But really, I don’t understand why many people don’t like the new features. For me, the new one offers more filters to customize our needs of how much we want to share and how much we want to hear from others. If we master the settings, Facebook becomes a nice place to connect with friends we find out later fun to connect regularly.

I laughed when read the administrator of one movement called himself Afraid of Change Director. Auch! That sounds so narrow. One guy gave a nice comment in the discussion board:

"the thing is though they're just going to wait for people to get used to it and stop complaining... people complained about the old facebook when it first came but now we're asking for it back! so who knows maybe in a few months they'll "upgrade" the version again and we'll be asking for this one back!!"

It’s so true! Change takes time. Be open!

Collage of pictures I took on hari raya Kuningan yesterday.

Some friends asked about my experience observing…

…hari raya nyepi yesterday. For people who don’t live in Bali and have experience of the day might imagine feeling caged in the house and claustrophobic in the dark. They thought I hid under bed when computering. I did not. It happens my house is quite in the middle of dense housing and trees. A low light might not glare too much from outside. My new neighbor had her light glaring like normal except the porch lamp. She might not have prepared for the day.

I didn’t have fixed plan for today but I washed my car that looked dirty. It’s my new favorite exercise after mop the floors. Surroundings became alive again after a day pause. But Ubud is still slow this weekend because tomorrow is Kuningan day then the manis on Sunday. Business is not allowed to open in some areas this weekend. Nothing I could do till Monday.

I was quite productive doing paper works because I got my smooth Internet connection back!  It makes big difference. No more waiting in vain. It’s end of the month when I need to sum up the month and do extra correspondence. I also got good news about my idea to start the Heritage chapter in Bali. My good friend has brought the idea to the board meeting and they gave green signal to start working on legal paper to be finished before the Ubud Writers and Readers Festival in October. It’s like that the idea has been hanging in the air for some time and now some people are ready to kick it off. I’m so excited about it although I haven’t started thinking about how I should manage or start to manage stuffs in Bali.

I have stuffs on my hands now. I also have made a travel plan that I proposed my Ubud friend if she would like to join, if not, I already have plan B. It’s nice to have something to look forward to doing…

It’s always nice.

A uni friend shared me a digi-collage he made out of my picture. It reminded him of Lucky Luke comic, he said. Thank you, Bas!

Today is the day of silence…

…in Bali. Since I live in Ubud, I don’t really observe national holiday because Bali has slightly different calendar. Some Balinese holidays are considered more important so they swap it with some other national holidays. Anyway, I just realized that tomorrow is a harpitnas (slang for an office day between two holidays) that people might take leave or ‘just leave without notice’. My concern is only… what would the traffic in Kuta beach be tomorrow? Because I have errands to run downtown.

So how are things? Last afternoon and evening were unusual. My neighbor played loud ‘broken’ music for some times in the afternoon that rarely happened. I could still hear gamelan playing till around 9:30pm. Firecrackers cracking till almost midnight – here and there. And before slept at midnight, I heard an audible conversation of a foreigner woman talked with someone in upset manner. Ah what a way to start the day of silence…

I feel that last year was more ‘sacred’ to me. Maybe because it was my first experience that I didn’t open all ears. This morning I felt like another normal day was about to begin – only quieter. I heard gas-stove clicked, people conversed, someone dragged heavy furniture like arranging, my landlord’s son constant cry… I didn’t feel that bad when moving around the house almost like usual.

Actually, that’s bad! Yesterday, my ex staff said that the last three years he tried to calming himself on the day. He used to spend nyepi in his village in Bangli but not the past three years since he found his place in Ubud more suitable for being quiet for a day. He suggested me to try to slow down in activity. I always like the idea but really, for me, no activity could create not nice feeling. I could meditate for a few minutes, I could be quiet in yoga poses for minutes, but 24 hours is way too much if I have to be quiet. I would like to respect the day my own way. I ate less and just did nice things (of course as human I also did not-nice things some times).

Today is also a special day for me. It’s the first anniversary of I lease the house. I signed the contract last year. Pallava’s fifth year anniversary is coming up in exactly one week from today. My friend asked if I would do something on the day that made me thinking. I'm not fond of celebration (anymore). To remember the day is good enough. I don’t know. I might have to take my repeating days seriously the way I take other people’s.

Ubud is so hot and dry the past days. It could go up over 32 degree Celsius and only went down to 29 before midnight. Morning is still pleasant but for 14 hours I feel like bebek betutu (slow roasted duck). Been in Ubud a few weeks now, I have started to feel itchy of making travel plan. I need a change of scenery to shake things up, stimulate, and make routine interesting again. I would start preliminary research and figure out if I want to go with a friend this time.

Hey, can I slow down a bit?

Penjor in front of Neru.

It seems that I have been over excited about…

…hari raya nyepi tomorrow. I have prepared myself since yesterday. This morning, instead of going for melasti in the beach, I gave my house a ‘melasti’. I cleaned the house like there’s no other day. Like I’m going to have two Mrs. Hygienic that scare me with their look. Yea, I’m scared about all those things.

I just thought it would be nice to have a nice clean tidy house when I know I would stay home the next 36 hours. We are not allowed to do any activities so I respect that. I won’t do laundry not even mop the floors that I enjoy very much. But of course I won't meditate and sleep all day. I have prepared some works to do and how during the evening. I also plan not to busy in the kitchen so I will have simple meals during the day. I might not wash the dishes either. I don’t know. I just don’t like the idea of making noise in dead quiet surroundings.

I made a good round today. I made a trip to meet my dear neighbor to share him Shunryu Suzuki book for him to read tomorrow, then I stopped by my ex staff shop to have a chat, then went to post office and secondhand bookshop I often went, then greeted Ayuk in Neru. It’s so nice to be able to greet people I know ‘happy new year’ personally and timely.

Downtown was a bit busy with people ran errands before dark like stocking up food in supermarket and my kampong was not that quiet either. We all missed ogoh-ogoh parade that is supposed to be held this afternoon – a night before the day of silence. Said that it’s for political reasons that this year Balinese didn’t have the ritual. I hope it only happened this year.

At the moment I could hear mini firecrackers exploded in the afar. It’s like a real new year. Well, it is a new year. 1931.

Typical Balinese house, even these days, solid without windows. Picture is taken on the way to yoga studio.

Nothing is permanent…

…that is what I have to remind myself again and again. My not-so-bad Internet connection has turned to be a bad connection the past days. When I was in normal broadband speed, I forgot to thank that that is special. When I’m at home, I feel okay with the connection. But in a time like this, I dream my ‘normal’ connection back. I use hotspot connection now.

I attended a yoga class this morning with my dear friend. We had a good time as usual. Today Linda was a bit more spiritual. The meditation in the beginning was a bit too long that I felt fainted. My body rested even before the yoga started. But I liked the way Linda took us to appreciate our body in connection with the cosmic – thing we hardly spared time to do. I needed the distraction since I didn’t have nice feelings the past days. There were times that I feel so ‘human’ and ‘woman’ by having such not-nice feelings. I accepted it with the same hope that nothing is permanent.

I spent the afternoon lending ears to my friend unexpectedly. My friend shared a bit of bitter part of her life that I didn’t realize existed in her seemingly perfect life. Having listened to her, I paused my feeling for a moment. She is not alone. I am not alone. We are alone in our thought. I would never have known that I’m not alone if she never shared it. Hey we all have life issues. I should not take it too seriously.

So I laughed out loud learning that this early evening my friend felt sore from the yoga. I didn’t mean to be mean but it’s her who laughed first learning I had a tough Sunday after lots of wiggling in Saturday class. Nothing is permanent. My sore on body has gone. And her fitness didn’t work after today’s class.

And again I had to remind myself to take it easy when watering my little garden in the outdoor shower. Some nice big leaves have turned yellow. How I expect all leaves stay big and green for ever…

By the way, I have a new neighbor today. I must make myself ready to witness more changes tomorrow.

Your love is not as pure as my gasoline. A sign I found near Sunset Road in Denpasar.

I thought a lot about prioritizing…

…while driving down to Denpasar to do a long list of errands. I have smaller world compares to people with kids, partner, career, houses… but still I need to slow down a bit to consider which is more important to do first, who have to get attention first, what task I should finish first… and on and on.

I just connected on Facebook to an art friend who had invited me to join years ago. Only last night I decided to jump into his art world. It took long time for me to decide since he already has over 3,000 friends and fans. It’s just too big for me although it has nothing to do with anything if I join.

Anyway, I admire the way he shares art stuffs and stuffs he’s interested in with his audience. His posts are all over my News Feed now. I know him as quiet person but he is so open on Facebook – much more chatty than I know in person. I like that because he has so much good that he needs to share with us. I don’t regret that I have connected with him. I feel I’m back into the art scene although I never actually left. I was slowing down.

I also wonder how my friend filters his streaming in News Feed of over 3,000 friends. Wow… while I read another not-so-nice posts from a friend today. She has been out of scene the past week and when she’s back… She shouted sour things. Auch! I had to hide her posts for a while, I don’t need that at the moment. Something uplifting please…

So yes, my trip downtown was not so successful. My glasses was not ready yet since they haven’t got a new-stock frame from Jakarta. The girl who received my phone call yesterday didn’t dare to look at me since she’s the one who informed me that my glasses been ready. I sighed and was not able to say anything. In Bali, it seems, we are supposed to have all the time when pick up our orders. Not first time.

I went to the Internet provider office to change service. I asked for an upgrade of my present service to ensure a better connection. I’ve been struggling with not good connection the past few days. It’s so annoying that glad I have alternative from a hotspot service near my house that I used to use when I just moved two years ago. My account is still active! But I prefer to use my mobile Internet.

I could not finish my errands since the roads in Kuta and Seminyak areas were already blocked for melasti (purification in the beach before the silence day on Thursday). I experienced a bit bad traffic in the areas. It was hot outside and I admired people who walked calmly without sun protection going to the beach in a big flock. I felt small again. Balinese dedicate most parts of their life to God and community. And look at me, busying self with my stuffs.

I’m getting ready for the silence day. I haven’t prepared favors to share with close ones for the day. Some friends I know escape the day by going out of Bali. Silence day sounds scary to many. A friend asked if I’m sure to stay in dark Bali on the day. They didn’t realize that it’s “only” two nights! And it’s not totally dark but low light.

I am more than ready.

Like Balinese who walked slowly in the heat this afternoon.

Today I’m in between motivated…

…and unmotivated. I sit on the floor using my new low table since morning. It’s nice when working with lots of little things spread on the floor but… my back hurts. I got up like Oma many times. I had nice long stretching in the sun but still not enough. My body is a bit hurt from harder yoga yesterday. It’s good. I must have good exercise!

I ‘goodly’ need drive, motivation, kick… My bright idea the other day is almost gone into a fine dust since I haven’t got enough supporters and it’s me that often consider an idea too much… excessively some times. And so, actually I didn’t share my idea with many since I still have doubt inside. I don’t believe in myself. That’s my issue. Not new.

I also thought a lot about… 110%. A friend I know 25 years ago wrote me the other day that she hopes someone comes into my life to love me 110% because I deserve it. It’s a nice way to put it. It touches me even when I only thought about the 110. It’s so warming that someone I didn’t see that long could still care that much.

Ya, 110 is just a number to measure what we can give to others. I don’t measure what people shared with me although some times I feel zero is a bit ‘too much’. Some people contribute about zero in our relationships that I wonder if I should continue sharing my 110. I don’t like calculating in relationships but funny if I have to ‘struggle’ myself. I rarely ponder about this issue although many good friends had already reminded me not to share too much good things with people. I also have to see the business of it!

Auch! When it comes to ‘the business of it’, I’m not good. My neighbor friend often shared me his experience after he resigned from working in hotel industry for twenty years. He had adopted the mentality of serving people. So for five years he liked to help out friends deliberately that it ate up his energy and time in the end. The past five years he learned to select what he needs, what he wants, and not put other people in the first place. His wellness is first. He is now healthier and happier person than before.

What’s my point? I’m not in the same situation he was, not even similar, but I’m sort of. Lend a hand comes naturally to me, without calculation, business or not. And now I come to the point where I should reconsider my way of thinking. I learn every day. My friend is my supervisor now. He warned me even when I only had an idea to… help!

Merchandise tee of Smile Foundation in Ubud.

Yea, I might have slightly suffered from the syndrome…

…many people suffer. The syndrome of ‘hesitate to do something in an entirely unaccustomed to a feeling, experience, or situation.’ Actually most of the time I just attended events even though I only knew few but I admit that I often had the feeling before I decided to go.

I was happy to know that my friend would attend a special event held in yoga studio we used to go. I had planned to go but knowing that I would meet her had kicked me harder. I always like to do physical activities but I consider 9 in the morning early. Anyway, I managed it so far so it should be fine.

Said it’s yoga and dance but it turned out doing yoga with live music (guitar and drum). The yogi and the musician are foreigner, not sure from where since they use ‘stage names’ and the yogi’s accent is not clear. It was a nice music and since the musician is also a yogi he knows how to play the music for yoga. Said they have collaborated several times.

It’s a different yoga again. Different than Linda’s style. Sky’s yoga is both spiritual and ‘technical’ like aiming to release tension in the heart and body. He called his yoga is a massage for the heart. He is witty that some participants could not help laughing at his remarks sometimes. Each pose lasted 3-4 minutes so it’s tough for non-flexible persons. I was a bit dizzy doing some poses since I didn’t have solid food before left that I regretted. I don’t usually have appetite to eat in the morning.

I bent my body very well so far. I just noticed that my short torso made me hunched a bit in some poses. My friend was 'happy' to see I could not do a pose well. I told her that if I work on the pose seriously I could do then she could not beat me. It was fun to tease each other before the class started.

We enjoyed the chant very much because it’s not the usual ohm. It’s innovative! It’s part of a composed song that we repeated together while doing a pose. I mumbled the lyrics while thinking about loved ones. It’s warming. It reminded me not to delay expressing my like when I feel like.

Oh I love you..
Did I tell you I love you?
I must tell you before I die.

We had nice lunch. My friend’s husband’s birthday today. I’m glad to see he is coming back from dengue fever he got almost three weeks ago. He was not yet 100% but was almost there. The girls talked a lot as usual and he was a good listener to two chatty girls. We picked up paintings we bought in January before parted.

I had a nice day.

Who doesn’t miss Ubud? A view from behind the gallery we went today.

I decided to reset my life like…

…defragmenting in Windows operating system that users need to do every now and then to ensure smooth computing. Yesterday was a bit tough with busy-ness around house and harshness on Facebook. Yea… yesterday I didn’t admit that I was affected by someone I know shouting about not nice thing. I might not have been strong enough to realize such remark. Anyway, I committed to reset my feeling this morning.

It’s good that my dear friend texted me in the morning that then I had an idea to spend the day with him. He happily spared the day just for me. I skipped going to gym so picked him up after he finished gym. We checked out a new antique shop owned by a foreigner Ayuk showed me the other day. New shop checking is our favorite to do together.

I took my friend up to Tegallalang to have lunch. Roads were still deserted because of the season. I drove slowly while listening to him updating me with community gossip. He is such a nice person to be with. He laughed at many things if not all even not-nice ones. He often reminded me not to take things seriously and to be flexible in all circumstances. He was the right theme for me today. I was in need of someone who is uplifting.

I felt good on the way back and even better after Mbo Yan touched me with her hands. My body was stiff like a plank. I dozed but somehow I knew that my mind was still stirring. As often, Mbo Yan liked to share her ideas about business I can start and nurture for my 'monthly allowance' (her term). For months now I enjoyed listening to her calculating and predicting the business of anything. I appreciate her trust. It seems that she hasn’t gotten to understand that I need passion to start a business. My passion. Not (only) for income.

It turned out she has ignited my passion very well. I got an idea just before she ended massaging me! So bright, soo bright! I was so excited that I decided not to wait to process it. I made a phone call to collect information I need to see if my idea is feasible. I’m glad with the result, principle wise is do-able, business wise? I need to calculate and consider pluses and minuses. I might have to do polling. I already have some names in mind to be polled.

Am so excited… The power of resetting!

Mbo Yan and Ayuk, two of my grounds in Ubud.

Today is a big day…

…for me. It’s the end of long hot afternoon in Ubud. March to May are months when Ubud or Bali in general is really hot and humid. The idea to move the hardly ever-used air-conditioner in Pallava came recently when I started to feel the heat had suffocated me in a way. I have short breath.

Anyway, the installation finished in four hours. I was at my desk when they were working. I experienced ‘significant’ dust when they made a hole for the hose. The whole thing was like watching McGyver in action. They made their own way to reach the spot where I wanted the indoor unit to be placed. This is when not watching a ‘kitchen’ at work becomes a luxury.

I’m quite happy with the new temperature in my room. I didn’t set the temperature low since I cannot stay in freezing air-conditioner anymore. I made it into room temperature at 24 degree Celsius. It’s true that it's the dry air that helps cooling the temperature. I still study how things work with this new ‘arrangement’.

I made many phone calls today. I committed to myself to limit writing communication, stay in 'real' touch, not stay in texts. I interviewed my friend who gave me bio-oil that I enjoyed it very much. I called my friend who just started a business in Mama’s place in Malang checking out how she’s progressing. I talked with the builder who does renovation in Mama’ place. A friend who just ‘had’ a baby called on Skype sharing about her experience as new Mom the past six weeks. How she’s ready to fly back to her house in Nassau – 30 hours from Jakarta – with the baby. Two of them. How I enjoyed real contact…

And as for other means of communication? I went through my email box again and cleaned up everything I should do to avoid delayed action on my part. I also went through Facebook leaving messages for closed friends who celebrate birthday today. This time I encountered some feelings. A male friend had his wife replied from his account. Auch! Then someone shouted not nice thing in her status that I felt like watching an angry lady. I could not take it anymore. This media has exposed me to many people's not nice feelings and I don't need those. But it's good that I was there once, at least, so I have experience and can tell. I feel that I have reached the feeling of ‘I have enough with Facebook.’ I told my friend the other day that I could master anything in no time if I want to, but once I master it, I might leave soon. Today I felt that I have mastered Facebook enough that I’m ready to be inactive.

My friend reminded me the other day that to have both thick and thin skins in any circumstance is important. I enjoy being on Facebook still but I don’t have thick enough skin to stay longer.

Boats resting on Galungan Day yesterday. Like I took picture from a mirror, my shadow was there.

A cousin has inspired me to ponder about…

…an issue I have heard since started having an account on Facebook. I heard it first time when a friend told me that his friend refused to be on Facebook because she thought that Facebook is for narcissists. My friend was surprised to learn about the ‘circulating belief’ of being on Facebook.

I didn’t care much about it until yesterday I read a friend’s note on his Facebook about his wonder who is more narcissistic political campaigner or Facebook-er? It seems that he also pondered about the belief of being on Facebook. Then this morning I read a cousin’s status “there's a lot of tricks that people use in order to win their narcissism [sic] and doesn't care that those tricks caused an embarassement [sic] or harmness [sic] of other parties.” I haven’t checked with her what made her thought of it but her thought has inspired me to write about narcissists. Interesting phenomena on Facebook.

I don’t think I understand the characters of being a narcissist. Dictionary mentioned “narcissism is an extreme selfishness, with a grandiose view of one’s own talents and a craving for admiration, as characterizing a personality type”. I take an example. One of my friends on Facebook liked to update us her garment business development. Got an invitation to show in LA. Have to be ready for two outlets in Alun-alun. Have to drive to Indramayu. Ready to go to London. For people who don’t know her, they might think she has been a narcissist by sharing those wow things. For me? I admire her more than anything. She has the drive to be able to achieve what she has now. People might focus on her travel to LA and London but I know how she suffered in Indramayu since her order turned out differently. It’s lots of work! And it’s not wow at all! She doesn’t have a chance to be extreme selfish for people in Indramayu, Bali and Jakarta where she has workshops and outlets. She ‘deserves’ anything she shared with us. She is a mirror to many of us.

A girlfriend updated her status that she plans a holiday in Cabo, Mexico. Being a narcissist she is? I don’t think so. I know how hard she looks after her family and household in her big house in Washington. Unlike her life in Jakarta where Kati helped her managing the house that she had all the time to have long lunches. Now not only she lives Kati’s life in her house in Jakarta, she also has to trim garden that passerby had mistakenly thought she was the helper! She deserves a holiday in Mexico!

I smiled thinking about what might be my next status on Facebook. One sentence that doesn’t tell all about our life. We share fun and not-so-fun of our life that people could perceive it from different angles. Who cares about me washing clothes and car every morning when they only realized I went to beach and had nice lunch with friends?

And as for political campaigner, I don’t have a say. If they don’t believe in themselves, who else will? They have to tell wow things about themselves. It’s just different circumstance. It’s interesting indeed.

It’s a big day in Bali today. Galungan is a real Hari Raya like in Java only it happens every six months and followed by another important day ten days after so altogether Balinese celebrate at least eight big days in a year of our calendar.

I went with Ayuk, my staff, to Pejeng not far from Ubud but sure not a short drive. Again it’s because of the road is so smooth and no traffic. We visited Mbo Metri, my other staff. She lives in a really nice neighborhood in the middle of rice field near a chicken farm that looked like a long house. I learned about how people do business in the area. Bali is special since each area produces different product.

We left Mbo Metri’s house two hours later, longer than we planned. Time like this is good time for me to talk with my staffs about my business’ vision and mission that I didn’t have a chance to discuss on regular days. I used the time to listen to them as well. It’s also gossip time. Ubud is so small that knowing who’s who is important.

It was already mid afternoon when we were heading Klungkung with Mbo Yan we picked up in Celuk. I passed many villages I just knew. I asked many questions mainly about what the village special for. It’s always nice to have an idea on ‘what and where’ in the place where we live.

It’s a really long drive this time. Driving along the coast was nice. Mbo Yan also enjoyed it very much. Mbo Yan’s in-law’s village is in the middle of two hills. It’s another world but ‘empty’ – the inhabitants earn their living outside the village since not much they can do in the village. We didn’t stay long since I preferred to drive back in the light.

Got home feeling tired, I feel rich. I have warm friendships here since my friends have opened their arms for a ‘new kid in the block’ like me. I don’t have a chance to be selfish.

Pantai Lebih where we had early dinner on the way back looked busy with local tourist enjoying the big day.

It was raining for the first time…

…since long last night. It was good after long hot days. The rain continued till morning when I awoke around 3:30. I decided to stay in bed longer listening to the rain while reflecting. It was still dark at 6, I decided to just wash a load of laundry and got on with my day.

It was pouring so I decided to just stay home, enjoying my new table by starting a project. And I had 40 minutes before the yoga class started when I debated inside. I simply didn’t want to regret that I don't push myself hard enough to exercise today. So I went out without… shower! I was the first one to arrive so had time to play with Monalisa, the dog.

I really enjoyed Linda’s class. Her French accent is ‘unique’ but on top of that she had different sequence every time so for regular attendees every session is a surprise. I like that. I like the unpredictable movement. Today was funny. I might not have concentrated well that following her in reverse mirror image confused me. I was not the only one that confused left with right. Linda didn’t realize that she often mentioned wrong direction as she stood facing us. It’s funny yet embarrassing. Being the one stood in front and center.

Ubud looked quiet already. Some people were still busy installing penjor in front of their gates. Some business closed for three days, some stay open. It’s good that I have stocked up food because my warung has closed. It feels quieter than Sundays. No activities even in the neighborhood.

I kept myself busy at home. New furniture always entails to activity that involves moving, removing, and changing. Only small table but enough to make my bedroom-cum-studio looks more spacious and nicer. I’m happy. For tidying up. For not regretting the day without good exercise.

A villa on my way to Linda’s yoga studio.

I escaped from the heat at home…

…and had a productive day. I had planned to go to Denpasar to prepare myself for a series of Balinese holidays starting tomorrow to the end of month. It spans over two weeks with little windows here and there to do business. I realized a bit later that the season is going to be big.

On my way out, I ran across my landlord who was making penjor for my front gate. I’m always proud of penjor at my gate because the compound's merajan (shrine) is in my garden. Glad I didn’t let them move it when I took over the house last year. It’s in the middle of my jungle now that I almost believe they don’t prefer such arrangement. For me, the merajan looks more mystical that way. I enjoyed any ceremony they prepared in the complex. Anyway, we agree to come mid way it seems. Respect each other option. I trimmed the bushes off a bit.

I changed my mind quite often lately. I decided to get low priced frame for my farsighted eyes instead of high priced titanium I used to have. I came to reality that I will only wear glasses when driving in the dark. I don’t mind having blurry sight in the daylight. I hardly enjoyed wearing glasses that I wore a lot twenty years ago. That is one.

I also decided to install an air-conditioner in my bedroom-cum-studio after merely listening to loved ones' suggestion almost two years now. I give up. I cannot always escape from the heat and I like to be active at home, in my studio, not downstairs where I don’t have my stuffs. I hope I could have it installed on Thursday after Galungan. Cross my fingers.

And… after feeling stupid for having a bagful of wooden beads that I had impulsively bought with my friend a couple weeks ago, I got a brilliant idea this morning. I brought the bag with me in a last minute decision. I dropped by my glass beads supplier before home and laid everything on his table asking for his idea. He laughed out loud. I know the feeling – ill feel! I don't like the expression but could not agree more. After a short discussion, he agreed to create funky necklace Marni-style out of the wooden beads for me. I’m glad to know that he supplied Marni in Italy. I hardly doubt his creation. We have known each other about five years now and just clicked.

I ended my six-hour trip very well. I did all I need to do in Denpasar. I also did my favorite shopping – silver material for necklace. My friend wanted me to shop for her that I don’t mind to do at all since I also need to stock up. Another kick for me.

What a good productive day…

Beautiful sunset I enjoyed after a long day today.

I have been managing two Facebook accounts…

…the past six weeks, about. I learned a lot, about the features for one and how people use their account. I started as a total novice but now some friends have called me Facebook guru. In general, I like to explore anything I’m interested in by taking off its flesh and digging into the bones. Once I master, I might stay, I might leave. I peeled Facebook because I’m still paranoid about being too exposed but I grow to like the idea of connecting with closed ones through this media. Anyway, I became a Help button for friends who don’t realize that the real Help button is actually a big help.

I understand some people also have me in them – the paranoia about being too exposed and needing time to decide to connect with someone. So if my invitation got no reply for days or never, I don’t take it personally. The thing is because I’m the only one who could invite since I closed all channels to connect with me. I also overly protect my friend’s privacy by hiding my friend’s list (that I might not have to do since they might open themselves on their side). I once had to tell a relative after I found out he made ‘friends’ with two from my list. I know it’s up to them since becoming friends on Facebook it’s a real ‘it takes two to tango’ but… imagining one tries to make friend with friends in my list has scared me. What would they think if they are not happy with the intrusion and recognize the person from my list? Of course they would understand as part of the consequences being on Facebook.

I was also stunned when I asked someone who I just knew how he knew our ‘mutual friend’ since I know my friend lives far away from him and works in totally different field. I was just being inquisitive about how people connect. Who is not? But then he said Oh yaa? I didn’t know that I connect with her. What’s her name again? Auch! So when they connected they didn’t feel the necessary to know the person who sent the invitation? Some friends add more than five new ‘friends’ into their list every day that makes the list growing to hundreds even thousands names in no time. Wow! My friend explained to me that often people on Facebook try to get more friends by ‘shooting in the dark’. Why? Because they want to look like a celebrity with lots of friends or fans. Oh…

It seems that I use Facebook for an unusual purpose. I only connect with people who I like to communicate with and know that they feel the same about me. I might be wrong too since some (if not many) actually didn’t even try to communicate with me. They let my thought not responded. Only a small handful of friends that pay attention. That’s when I appreciate when a friend who has an account but only has her son as friend said that she is not ready to pay attention to many through Facebook so better keeps the account for the son only. My sister is also one who doesn’t seem to have interest in this kind of thing. I like that attitude better.

I might be too serious about communicating since many actually use the account for shouting their thought – responded or not does not matter much. The new Facebook has What’s on your mind? question for status update instead of What are you doing now? that I thought it’s more precise to describe entries people usually have. Housewife friends use it for shouting their worries and activities around house. Student friends use it for shouting their situation in school. Friends in office use it for shouting their boredom and worries about deadline. And friends with a freak use it for shouting their passion about whatever from music, books, outdoor activities, cooking… It’s so nice to learn a feeling from people we thought we have known well. I also like the new organization on the new Facebook but I found out today that there’s a movement in Iceland asking for old Facebook back. It’s fun to know what people think about ‘an improvement’.

I still have many anecdotes about friends' and my experience being on Facebook. A friend created for me a special account with friends I know only? It could happen too. Like I care that much… She might not realize that once I’m in, I’m in totally.

Interconnected leaves in Salcedo Village, Manila, taken by a friend.

Bali is slowing down starting Monday…

…since Balinese observe Galungan on Wednesday and Kuningan ten days after and Nyepi in between. Tilem also falls in between. A series of ceremonies have started to be held this week. And of each big day, a series of three-day off are following so altogether there won't be much business in the island for the next two and half weeks.

I’m vegetable most part of the day because of the heat. I like the sun very much but the heat have flopped me down. I look forward to picking up my old table from a shop in Peti Tenget that the guy hasn’t finished mending the legs today. I need the table to rekindle my spirit to make necklace. I can always find candy to fire up my spirit and this time an old table ex a warung is the one. I want to start off necklace making next week, in the time when Bali a bit shuts down.

I pushed myself to walk out the door to eat in the evening. I forgot that since brunch in Cucukan beach yesterday, I hadn’t had any proper meal. I survived with wheat bread and whatever I have in fridge but that’s not enough and also I became bored. Glad I did. I met my Australian neighbor who owns a painting studio, a spa, and the restaurant I went to. I actually live in his very neighborhood where he also owns four villas to rent.

So we talked about business in general and exchanged ideas about many things. He also introduced me to the owner of one of the villas he manages. My four-month a year neighbor, it’s common in Ubud where people live part time and have their house rent out the rest of the year. Time flies. Been almost two years in the house, I never met the guy before. Also my neighbor had missed me since Christmas that I told him I have been in and out Ubud a lot the past three months.

My day was not bad at all although I feel a bit flat – but no negative feeling. I’m in the period when I have lots in mind that I have the urge to kick them out to materialize. I need to work yet be away for holiday. The blue beach is still in my mind. It would be nice for a change. Maybe.

The blue Cucukan beach with two jungkung Kesumba style.

It’s always fun to roam different parts of Bali…

…every now and then. The island is not big and Ubud is pretty much in the center of the island. It’s nice that we can touch water forty minutes to an hour from Ubud by car. For people who like beach more might also feel convenient to drive up an hour to be in the hills.

Anyway, it’s still early when two girlfriends and I drove east to go to Cucukan beach where our two girlfriends from Java stayed. Bali is small but I hear about new place every now and then, and the place will not stick on my memory before I experience the place. I heard about Cucukan beach for the first time two days ago and I had no idea the whereabouts.

I refused my friend's offer to use driver to go to the place. I’d like to experience the trip myself so I know the area next time. Good one of my girlfriends was familiar with the road to the nearest entrance to the beach. She took us through narrow roads in typical Balinese small villages. I loved the driving! This is what I admire about the island, the quality of the road is so good that driving in the island even in small villages is a pleasant experience.

The girls hardly stopped talking in the car that I had to interrupt from time to time to discuss the directions. I got so minimal direction from driver of the villa but it didn’t scare me because we could hardly be lost in the island. People who drive in Bali used to joke on not to worry about being lost in the island because we would still be in the island before touching the water.

The villa was great. Not big but nicely done, simple and modern. If we had known, it would be nice to be together all night long last night. My friend who had been caged in the house because of ill husband the past two weeks looked so happy and carefree. I missed the expression of her. I was glad that we went.

Our friends from Jakarta had shopped groceries to share brunch with us before they left for airport at eleven. We made plan to meet up in Bandung – where one of the girls lives – soon. We talked about many hidden artists in the island and in Bandung. Artists who don’t get proper exposure because of many reasons, their own choice is also a reason. 'Unfortunately', those who are hidden are usually artists who have magnificent artworks because they work from the heart – not for commercial reason. It’s rare these days. Who don’t need money?

Driving back was much easier. Of course. We decided a wrong turn but all roads lead to Rome!

Two happy girls dancing to the boogie rhythm.

I had short mornings the past three days…

…since I had to leave home early. I started to enjoy my new rhythm although I barely had enough time to have slower pace in the morning. I need to be more active by starting early, that’s what I tell myself.

I spent a day with art friends yesterday. Two friends from the art group in Jakarta came over so three of us – ex members – joined them meeting wife of a well known painter in Ubud, Mary. I set up the appointment that she was so kind to share her time with us. An independent English lady that has been living in Ubud 20 years.

I have been listening to her love story with the painter at least three times now but I must say that I never have enough. There’s always something sweet about their ‘short’ relationship – 3 years dating plus 14 years marriage before he passed away. She shared her love and the life of Aziz in Neka Museum where some of his masterpieces are kept. You can ask me to see his paintings a thousand times and I would never say no. One of the greatest art pieces.

Then Mary insisted to also visit my great grandfather’s masterpieces that are kept in the other pavilion. My friend was… What? They looked at me and asked why I never shared the fact with them. That was not the first time I heard a complaint. I told them that I have lived with his image almost all my life, I don’t feel ‘special’ about it. I need people to tell me how special he is to poke me. No, actually I’m aware that he is a maestro and I never stop admiring and being proud of him. I might not have expressed my proud well.

We continue our visit to Seniwati Gallery Mary organizes. She talked about the story behind some stunning works by women artists. I admire Mary for what she does for Balinese women and women artists in general. Not just that, she also established a foundation to help Balinese with cleft. We visited a quite spacious shop selling second-hand stuffs (mostly clothing) donated by people to raise fund for the foundation. Said the shop is doing well. I feel small again.

We visited a contemporary art gallery and an artist studio before enjoying sunset in my friend’s house. It’s always enriching to see how artists with great works live. My friend whispered in my ears what a studio for an artist with big canvases. I nudged my artist friend reminded that she has nice studio but hardly had time to do something. She smiled naughtily. Later she took us a tour of her artworks and studio at home. What a way to end a series of visiting artists! She is a real artist.

Sunset was great. Being with good friends was even greater. It’s warming. We ended the day ten hours since we met up. I really enjoyed my day.

Mary and Aziz’s artworks.

Stretched my body to my limit,…

…I understood why yoga is good for our well-being. The first few minutes warm-up itself was enough to erase my past life, it set to zero – blank. I could not help smiling, thinking of loved ones who are ill, and wishing them and others well – in and out. The past few days, I’m having two loved ones in mind for they are seriously ill. My friend’s husband who has suffered from dengue fever since last week and a cousin in Jakarta who underwent brain surgery last night. Not nice feeling.

I joined 'harder' yoga class today for the first time. I wanted to know how far I could stretch my body. It was good but I felt like I was a novice. Some poses were like acrobatic and we had to stay in the pose for minutes before teacher ordered us to release. Concentrating breathing while stretching body in a complex pose, I didn’t have room to think about my worries and insecurities. I was distracted by the crunch all over body that after 1.5 hours I got used to not to think about my issues. I forgot everything. Now I know why people who do real yoga frequently could appear like problem-free persons. Yoga is a positive distraction!

I’m glad I had pushed myself to join the yoga class today. I needed, more for my well-being than my body. But I needed it for both actually. Mbo Yan had hard time to massage me yesterday. She thought my body was stiff like a metal sheet. Yea, I must admit that. The worst since I live in Ubud that I had very stiff muscles.

I felt relaxed after yoga. I could think well and plan to continue to discipline myself that I have done since yesterday. I stayed home clearing up backlog of many things. Business administration, personal and family emails, unpacking stuffs from travel, housework… It’s many little things that formed immense backlog. I was not bad though that I’m proud of myself since actually if I committed to myself I could do many in a day.

Last night I talked with a friend how I have spent most of my time for social – for myself and other people. I began to care since I also need to focus on my business, on my earnings. I simply don’t have long enough stretch of time that I could focus on what I need to do in business: tidying or developing. Combining social and business is not as easy as I thought because of time and energy limitations.

I might have to ponder this new thought seriously in the coming days.

The narrow path to my yoga class run by a Canadian lady.

Observing my 17 kgs overweight stuffs…

…my porter asked if I’m going to see relatives in Bali. Overweight is common for people fly from Bali, not the other way round. I smiled. It’s so nice to tell people that I live in paradise. His eyes popped out. I told him that I once lived in Jakarta. I think I’d been asked about what city I live twice this trip.

I had nice short morning. I got up a bit ‘late’ at 4:30 so not much I could do. Some of my stuffs were still scattered. I wondered myself what I’ve been taking? I brought all stones for necklace I still had in Jakarta house. I also cleaned up some of my belongings. It’s not an easy packing…

I could not describe the feeling but I feel so good since I awoke. Knowing that I would be home soon might be the reason. It lifted all heavies from my mind. I realized more that issues are always there, and it’s our choice to take it as an issue or not. When I’m happier, I don't see an issue as an issue. I enjoyed that feeling.

It’s not easy since I have two loved ones feeling not well the past days. My cousin in Jakarta is in ICU and my friend’s husband in Ubud been ill since I left Ubud. I care about both and this is not nice feeling.

I had nice long lunch with my cousin and a friend I met in the café. I learn every day. Today I learned how American name themselves. Family name, husband name. stage name. I told her about my plan with the Heritage. She looked interested in being the first member of the Heritage Bali branch, if exists later. I believe this organization will flourish well in Bali. I’m excited.

What a nice way to end a series of suspense the past week… Watching sunset from my bedroom is like getting a gift.

My girls (they are sisters) I left behind this morning. It broke my heart to see them sent me off.

When I pushed my friend to attend the Heritage’s social event…

…this afternoon, actually I pushed myself to go. I was considering to fly back today but the event had stopped me. I have lots of friends that I wanted to see. Also, I needed an excuse to not be a hermit.

It’s the first annual art exhibition held by the Heritage. The idea that brought deep pessimism last year. I didn’t know how to help when the board inquired. I merely shared rough ideas how to execute. Anyway, a year has passed and definitely the spirit of an optimist is needed to execute such project. The chairwoman made it!

Speaking of an optimist, I felt small in the exhibition. My friend kept nudging me when we walked from wall to wall. You could make this, even better!! After a few more comments, I admitted that most of the time I don’t believe in myself. I feel like I cannot do well, or my artwork is not presentable enough for a juried exhibition. I was speechless when my friend looked me in the eye. You should just do it! Glad I was not alone. A friend who likes to take pictures had same idea. We juried ourselves toughly.

It was a nice social event. I met my ex boss twelve years ago, his wife is active in the organization. It’s his second time round in Indonesia. It was so nice to catch up. It's nice to know that he is the same warm person. He invited me to drop by his office next time to meet some four others, my ex colleagues. It’s so nice.

A friend asked me to help out in the committee to raise fund for the Ubud Writers Festival. I hardly run out of ideas, so that I can do. And the biggest step I made is to kick my idea to have the Heritage branch in Bali. The idea that have been boiling in my mind since I moved to Ubud. I miss the activities so my dear friend in Ubud. So the idea will be brought up in board meeting soon! Yay! I had kicked my idea out.

Three hours standing become nothing. I met many nice friends. It’s so good to actually touch them, not just to stay in touch.

I’m glad to know a friend who is good in materializing ideas. Her artwork won an award. She is a constant inspiration for us rrr me.

I planned to stay over the long weekend but…

…my friend who lives in Denpasar has inspired me to shorten my stay in Jakarta. She came to Jakarta for a few days but said she would not stay longer. Auch! That’s when I know that I don’t have the spirit to stay longer either. If it is not because of the sore social at the Heritage today, I would have gone.

No regret. I had good cleaning, packing, and meeting friends. Good for a change! Jakarta could renew my spirit in such a way. When I feel sulky, I only need to remember that I have good life out there and I have all the time to enjoy it. So I didn’t complain when sitting in taxi for two hours the other day, or being in long queue at the Java Jazz yesterday.

Yes, one of the reasons I came to Jakarta is to rekindle the sensation of being in large crowd with… good music! Glad that my dear friend came with me. Never in her life in Jakarta she experienced it. We had really nice late afternoon with talk over light late lunch before entered the venue. She is such a confidant. I could share anything with her without her looking bored. Or, judging. Or, initiating gossip. Or, igniting the stove. Or, setting timer. She is just what I need at the moment. It’s been a tough week for me. I need a channel out.

I bought lots of CDs in CD stalls. They had nice selection fresh from the stock, some were really new from the musician. It’s funny about CD these days, I only need a few minutes to download the music. After that, I hardly played the disc on CD player. We swapped our CDs so we could have each other’s CDs in our iPod. Brilliant.

We only stayed the whole show at Balawan, of course. Then a bit of each room to give my newbie friend an orientation of the event. Then we looked at each other. Have we used up the expensive ticket? We were kind of tired to walk further among crowd. We are short so it’s something to walk among big and tall youngsters.

One thing that I never did and didn’t regret to have done it… we took our picture on the event wall!

The picture.

It’s easy to convince my friends that…

…I don’t miss Jakarta at all. They just knew that my visit to Jakarta has become less and less. And I must have looked… better!

I did banking in the morning. I made a long note of what I need to do and buy today. I have very limited time that I have to use it well. I also have to consider the traffic. Unlike in Ubud where I have all the time to do anything.

I arrived a bit late in the lounge we set to meet for lunch. The feeling came back, like the old time, but that ‘old time’ is really old actually. I didn’t meet them months, even with one I didn’t see almost two years. They were so alive in my mind although I didn’t see them often so when I met them today, it’s like a continuation.

It was fun. Girls never have enough time to catch up. I continued running errands after lunch. I could do it efficiently since I already had a note but it didn’t help me to come home earlier either. It took me two hours for a 25 minute trip max in ‘normal’ traffic. I made a commitment to myself not to complain about it. I had my iPod on and there I had time to ponder about my life and others.

Sitting in taxi had given me the opportunity to observe Jakarta, unlike the days I still drove myself. Been living outside Jakarta almost two years now, I feel sorry for the metropolitan. I don’t like to say but I could say it looks poorer than other part of Indonesia. Developments are everywhere and it has created ‘life’ for people who support the development. Small business behind luxurious buildings. Temporary housings.

I managed to stay calm till the end of the two hours. I don’t have anything to complain, my life is too good out there.

That business.

I still have ‘city girl’…

…in me. I enjoyed wearing nice shoes and being treated in ‘common’ salon in a big mall. Yea, I went straight from airport to get haircut. Pieter was so happy to have enough ‘material’ to create an artwork on my head. He cut my hair real short – like always – but looks different now. I refused Rihanna style like the last time.

Traffic was not bad, it didn’t hit me at least. But I could feel my energy drop. Smog. It’s not an easy morning as well. I never liked the feeling of leaving Dhana. He bought me seven stems of roses yesterday. We had nice junk-food party with pizza, Coke, and seasoned chips. I let myself consuming such food to celebrate our togetherness. And we had nice talk about many things like cooking show and sports he likes to watch on TV.

Anyway, life gets slower after I got what I wanted so long – a haircut. I’m shortie again. Enough to stay away from Jakarta three months. Many friends laughed at me having a hair-stylist in Jakarta that I’m stuck with for more than ten years now. I told Pieter after he cut my hair that I'm not ready to ‘change scissors’ now, and perhaps hardly would. He promised to cut my hair under tree in Bali next month. I look forward…

I feel bogged down even before my days in Jakarta start.

Green in Mama’s garden.