Today I’m in between motivated…

…and unmotivated. I sit on the floor using my new low table since morning. It’s nice when working with lots of little things spread on the floor but… my back hurts. I got up like Oma many times. I had nice long stretching in the sun but still not enough. My body is a bit hurt from harder yoga yesterday. It’s good. I must have good exercise!

I ‘goodly’ need drive, motivation, kick… My bright idea the other day is almost gone into a fine dust since I haven’t got enough supporters and it’s me that often consider an idea too much… excessively some times. And so, actually I didn’t share my idea with many since I still have doubt inside. I don’t believe in myself. That’s my issue. Not new.

I also thought a lot about… 110%. A friend I know 25 years ago wrote me the other day that she hopes someone comes into my life to love me 110% because I deserve it. It’s a nice way to put it. It touches me even when I only thought about the 110. It’s so warming that someone I didn’t see that long could still care that much.

Ya, 110 is just a number to measure what we can give to others. I don’t measure what people shared with me although some times I feel zero is a bit ‘too much’. Some people contribute about zero in our relationships that I wonder if I should continue sharing my 110. I don’t like calculating in relationships but funny if I have to ‘struggle’ myself. I rarely ponder about this issue although many good friends had already reminded me not to share too much good things with people. I also have to see the business of it!

Auch! When it comes to ‘the business of it’, I’m not good. My neighbor friend often shared me his experience after he resigned from working in hotel industry for twenty years. He had adopted the mentality of serving people. So for five years he liked to help out friends deliberately that it ate up his energy and time in the end. The past five years he learned to select what he needs, what he wants, and not put other people in the first place. His wellness is first. He is now healthier and happier person than before.

What’s my point? I’m not in the same situation he was, not even similar, but I’m sort of. Lend a hand comes naturally to me, without calculation, business or not. And now I come to the point where I should reconsider my way of thinking. I learn every day. My friend is my supervisor now. He warned me even when I only had an idea to… help!

Merchandise tee of Smile Foundation in Ubud.