Self Help or Get Help?

I got e-newsletter from a bookshop about new books available. I noticed many self-help books are published nowadays. There are many kinds of topic on how to look after body, relationships, work, heart, self, pets, and millions more. It seems that we all strive for something we don’t have and try to fix by reading manual books available. It’s good for authors for there are many people striving for something that needs manual to guide them to get what they want / dream. But, have the authors done with their personal homework?

Last night I got an email from a collage buddy lives in Portugal. She shared a bit of her situation now. She has no permanent job, she feels insecure, she feels low that she ‘enjoys’ sleeping a lot,.. She is not alone actually. I feel insecure and could stay in bed longer too although not enjoying but I could tell her nice thing about how it feels to face such situation. Look who’s talking? It’s easy to comment on a situation you are not in. I believe we all know how we are supposed to feel / act in a situation – so the authors of self-help books – but back home? Can we actually do our homework?

And this morning I listened to Oprah (not watched because I was ironing towels) about man that is just not that into you (from a book of the same title). It’s the third time I watched the same rerun but felt like watching fresh topic every time. I have the book she’s talking about. I bought it long time ago for the sake of curiosity and fun but I stopped reading after a few pages. Too many truths! I don’t want to be scared of man. I know that they scare of making commitment; we all do (in woman case they do scare because they know man). Ha ha.. It was hilarious because the author is man so he wrote based on the main source, not speculation.

Now about my success workbook. I’ve got three definitions of success up to now, hope more come later. The more the better. Anyway, I haven’t done all questions in Day 2. I had something more interesting to do last night but would definitely finish Day 1 to 3 today.

MBO thought that the workbook is only good for individual who is obedient like me. She could be right. I feel that many don’t think they need to spare time to know what success is. It’s just interesting for me to know because success is as complicated as many other things in life. The book says “many people equate success with what they don’t have”. That’s very true eh?

A friend told me last night that a successful senior lawyer who owned an airline committed suicide yesterday. It got me thinking that the feeling of unsuccessful is everybody’s; only the scale that differs from one to another. I feel unsuccessful because I still feel insecure and in much larger scale he actually suffered the same. Is this when we need a guide book to keep us floating? :-D

Photo of my Timor statue MBO took on my birthday.

Tatata

It’s cloudy and gloomy morning. I wish I could get up with high spirit but it was flat and dark like outside. I felt unwell since yesterday. Hard breathing attacks again. I blame it on the season. Observing past experiences, I see the pattern. I was generally a bit unwell from September to March; various feeling but hard breathing is the most obvious.

I won’t take this easy this time. I should observe it well. I browsed feng shui book the other day, this Pig Year is good for Horse in love and money but not in health. Now I care. I don’t want to take my good health for granted. It’s the most luxurious feeling I can have now.

It’s funny that I was not able to calm myself this morning. I was not interested in blog-hopping. I was trying to make collage but stopped after sketching. Reading? Only browsing. I texted MBO asking for help. I need to work!!

Time went slow. I felt like I had finished all morning but still 9:00. I lied down in sofa and went blank. I needed to go out and pampered self. I could not think of anything.

RAD was not available. MBO had same idea to meet up lunch time. Fine. I had hair treatment and met her. I had spicy tom yung to open up my system. It was super hot that I felt smoke oozing out my ears. I feel better.

I’m at home now and going to work on my success assignment – Day 1. The first outsourcing assignment is to ask three people to define success. I asked six people instead of three: my Sister, an ESL tutor, a homemaker, an expert, a woman activist/writer, and an NGO officer – only the latter has sent me her thought. It seems that many don’t get the definition instantly so need more time to reply, or will not at all. I’m curious to know their answer so I skip the first assignment to wait for at least three people to answer. Day 2 assignments are all for me and not easy. My challenge to fill in the blank before end of the day :-)

Photo of my espadrille.

Thank You for the Time

06:44

I’m 41 today. I feel great in my age. And more, I feel blessed to be surrounded by friends and relatives who really care about me. It warms me.

I was very sleepy before midnight but birthday texts had started to pour in. I tried to stay awake to be able to reply promptly but after a few exchanges I knew I could not. I didn’t want to wrong reply. But, I appreciate midnight birthday texts sooo much. What a kind instant attention someone shares with me..

I have no plan for the day except I will have lunch with some good girlfriends. RIT organizes. KIE had an idea too but I haven’t decided. I didn’t realize the cousin gang’s idea to celebrate either. I may need to let myself go today. Celebrate life!

What’s my resolution? Working on realizing my dream of course. A friend has given me a nice workbook to help me to identify success – Your Road Map for Success: Workbook. I will start the 10-week program with assignments today. I have browsed the assignments yesterday but decided not to read before I actually start to do. It’s a short term commitment.

My long time commitment is.. make photo a day from today on and post it in BLULOOP 365. A group of women’s blogs have given me the idea of “in an attempt to get creative, try new things and make sure I am constantly learning”. I like the idea although actually I already have photo a day in this blog. I don’t know how it will work; it should be fine :-)

More about being 41. I noticed brown spots start to appear on my both cheeks. It’s been a few months but yesterday I realize that I need to see a dermatologist. It comes now that a discussion about laser treatment to remove spots is my topic too. I always felt distant to such issue until now :-)

Now I have to prepare myself. YU, my senior staff, just hugged and asked me to wait while she’s running off. I know.. she must have something for me. I better prepare myself to be in a good shape when she celebrates my birthday. What a warm gesture!

18:47

I don’t know what to say. I feel floating in the cloud. Much love has been poured on me today. I was ready for a birthday ritual my staffs prepared like previous years but I was wrong. They prepared the same ritual but also collaborated with MBO who came with a set of Bali decoration and the food as well. And more, she also brought along the cook – the well-known dancer Ibu MEN I knew in Malang last year. Oh my! That was BIG! MBO has given me the biggest gift a person can give… someone’s time. Ibu MEN is a busy woman with dancing, study, and many social activities; and MBO took an off day today. Fine, she didn’t give the day 100% for me but 2.5 hours is something. They gave me their time!

I was speechless watching my three girls plus my two lovely guests preparing the buffet on dining table in Balinese style. It’s a complete set of Balinese dish – my favorite nasi campur. We got together for praying, singing, blowing a relight-candle (I blew twice), and cutting cake; then having Bali breakfast. We talked about the food, how to cook, and many other topics. YU happily took note on how to make sambal and learned about other thing from Ibu MEN. It was merry.

I had to run to lunch RIT arranged after they left. I arrived just in time at noon. RIT and AMA were already there; and PNI joined later. It was a nice time with three chatty Israelis. I could see the ‘different side’ of RIT when she had a debate with PNI over many issues. I really enjoyed the mixed language and the expression. Oh she never that persistent with me. I laughed a lot. We talked about world economy, middle class in many developed countries, and how mother should teach their son – of course more on relationship with men. Four hours passed. I never felt that we had sat that long in a nice modern buffet coffee shop. We were thinking to continue sitting till dinner time in one bill :-D

Got home, I could not plan more of get together although KIE had asked me to contact her after finished my parties. I’m happily overwhelmed by friend’s attention. I know lots of nice thing about me because they kept mentioning :-) What a gift I got?! I keep telling myself that I’m the luckiest girl in town today.

I have homework to do now. Returning numerous calls and replying many texts. After all, I learn that talking to friends from many walks of life on a birthday is special. Really special. Therefore, congratulating by phone is special. I would do better for my loved ones after today.

Collage of gifts and happening's photos today.

From Cradle to Grave

It’s still dark outside when I’m writing now. I didn’t sleep early but I felt like getting up early to catch more worms. I missed the morning beauty the past few days when I tried to let my body sleeps longer. I don’t have to do that again; let my body speaks and I listen.

The first email I read just now has brought tears. It’s GA again – my over 30 year childhood girlfriend who becomes closer again after our transformation of life. We’d been on-off the past 20 years while we’re pursuing our life as adult and have reconnected the past few years as our life have settled.

This is so beautiful for me, for us. GA, AM, and I were the youngest in class, we were born in the same year with two months apart. We were together in the same class for about ten years. We grew up together. And what completes the whole story is.. our mothers are good friends too!! They toddler-sit each other’s kids so we were accustomed to play in each other’s house since very young.

I had very nice chat with GA yesterday morning. I let myself pouring out with happy feeling in the morning I planned to create collage. I never missed the collage that I never did but my heart warmed. And I thanked GA for the moment we shared that she replied with the tearful email I just read.

It took me 371 posts before I shared this blog with her. Not that I didn’t trust her but.. I don’t know. Blog is private although accessible to public in such a way but sharing it with someone who really cares about us needs careful consideration. It’s not easy to open up to someone who already knows facets of our life. This is strange but I’m not alone. A friend had asked me the other day what I thought about his idea to share his blog with his brothers. Later he mentioned about the need to consider carefully before sharing a blog with persons in the past as part of reconnecting.

GA told me in her email that my Mama too has reconnected with her Mama recently. They live in our hometown, Malang. I guess they become closer after her Papa passed away almost a year ago. Both women found themselves in the same phase of life without partner. And more, she said that my Mama wanted to have a house tour of their house after many years of not actually visiting each other because of their life business. What a timing – both mothers and daughters are reconnecting.

Finally, GA told me that she likes my writing. She is a writer, a very good one. It’s so nice of her to ask me to have a writing project together. She has an idea to publish a compilation of women experience.

She quoted "from cradle to grave" from a TV series Grey’s Anatomy – which I don’t know of. Yes, the quote tells about our friendship :-)

Photo of my skirt print.

Happy Saturday!

I ‘stayed’ in bed almost eight hours! Stayed? Yes, because I didn’t sleep well. I was so sleepy around 21:00 that I decided to sleep early and let my body decided what time to get up. It took me very long to get into sleep. It surprised me because I had nothing in mind. I just got an idea, I should have read. Reading sends me to sleep fast ha ha.

It’s a nice Saturday morning. I didn’t think much of my birthday but not for many who care about me. It’s nice. Cousin gang has texted to ask me my plan for celebration. They pushed me to celebrate my birthday this evening. Hm.. I don’t think it’s a good idea to celebrate a birthday before the day. If they like, tomorrow would be fine. I giggled at the thought. They would have a nice Monday after a long night. It’s a very nice thought though. RIT also planned to throw a birthday lunch for me on Monday. She is an angel.

I would take the day easy. I want to make collage to answer three art challenges. I feel fresh and have many ideas for collage but could only know whether I can do after browsing the magazines. Happy Saturday!

Photo of my favorite morning cup.

No Fix

It’s always. When I have long morning, I run late for the day. I had nothing to do so I fixed staff’s phone in their bedroom that have been jammed the past few days. I checked the line cord, the handset, the program,.. I got no clue so I went online. But no such online help, only standard check. Make sure both the line cord and the handset cord are plugged in; substitute, check, repair,.. Ugh. I wasted my time.

I could not go with RIT then. I ran out of time that I had to drive myself – which was very fine because I needed time with myself. I had a long talk with AM last night and again she helped me to take inventory of my life. It made me thinking the rest of the evening and this morning. I tried to put every item in proportion. She could be right but I also have argument to be right. I wrote her long email just now. I’m lucky to have her in my life. We both need two heads :-)

We had first art group meeting. How many ladies could make? F o u r. January is almost over but many ladies are still away. German RIT happened to be around. It was nice to see her again like she never moved. She escapes Germany winter by traveling east for three months. Very clever.

We viewed a British artist’s exhibition who works with photos. He ‘touched’ photo (not directly but over a transferred image) with oil painting. All photos are about building construction that look ‘busy’ with scaffolds, piles of material, and small people. Innovative, fresh, I liked it. Only. It’s boring to see many similar artworks. He didn’t explore colors although he’s good in exploring hue in an artwork. Nothing is perfect. It’s the idea that counts.

We had very early lunch, seven of us, KAT joined later. We went to our favorite organic restaurant with all non-something ingredients that makes us healthy without enjoying good taste :-) Salads, laksa, cranberry and Hawaiian fried rice,… were super. Tasty good. But when it comes to healthy drink? I was fine but some ladies had a good laugh at the funny taste. KAT was unlucky with her organic black coffee that she fixed with soy coffee but it only made her laughed out loud. It didn’t do any better. Glad that I don’t take taste seriously, I’m just okay with any strange taste so I enjoyed my soy latte (that NIE had to make funny face). Anyway, we really enjoyed our lunch and chat. As usual.

Please check out what the restaurant offers in photo above :-)

Blabbering

I had interesting morning. I told myself to submit the work before 9:00 – the start of their office hour and my hour. I didn’t enjoy my extended sleep this morning although it’s still early for many when I got up. I felt fresh starting to final edit before 7:00. I was too sleepy to finish it last night.

But morning is morning; I could not sit still because of morning chores and, surprisingly, pouring texts from some close friends. I was intrigued to quick reply till I realized that time was almost up. I turned phone silent and continued working. I had extended my deadline to 10:00 by then.

I’m satisfied with my work because it only needed a bit rephrase. It’s challenging because Indonesian has limited vocabulary that squeezing creativity was needed to find variety of a same meaning in English. Imagine the word daerah in Indonesian has synonym local, area, district, province, and many more. It took time for me to decide which for which. Very contextual.

Another challenge is.. the Indonesian text was not well written. I had to reread many times to get what the writer wants to convey. I understand. I’m like that too – have many things to express but limited capability to put in writing in a nice clear way. At first I tried to ‘follow’ the way the writer writes but later I found a way to rephrase without leaving the context. I didn’t check the Indonesian version while editing so could only focus on the cohesion of the English version. I made it.

If I pick the word right, I like to call it blabbering. I like to blabber in writing. Just put everything in and enjoy the taste. That’s how I urged AM to write more of her days this morning. She shared me that she found her note back to 1994 about she was mildly abused by husband. Apparently she didn’t remember till she found her blabbing note this morning. I shared her how notes have helped me to review life because our human mind is kind. We forget easily, even unpleasant moments, which is good but then we don’t have something to review what have taken us this far. Like documenting dream; how do we know what we have achieved if we forget our childhood dream? It's not a dream anymore then :-) It’s fun to ponder this blabbering – but discreetly – thing.

So I was late submitting my work, 10:40. I’m happy though. First, I know that I CAN do; second, I still meet my own deadline; third, I have rest of the day for myself.

I had yoga. What I want to do Now?

Note: Mama received an award (and 'jackpot') for the outstanding achievement from the University. A ceremony for all Professors held this morning. She is so happy, me too :-)

Photo of my antique cellphone that doesn’t allow me to blabber a lot because the battery runs low very fast :-)

Project Now

A friend reminded me last night that I have not yet conquered the Now – live in the Now. I was a bit panic but I agreed. I browsed Tolle’s The Power of Now to check what I’d missed. Right. I have slipped off the track. Actually I don’t take it seriously but I also realized that I’ve been juggling past and future again the past few days. I know it’s bad but could not help.

I also work on taming my mind to be less active. I let myself sleeping longer this morning. I awoke around 4:00 but I cleared my ideas then back to sleep till 6:00. I know I can do better every day. The key is.. plan nothing. My friend thought I’m a deep thinker, I may be but I’d like to call myself the way Mama used to call me kakean karep (literally means having too many want). Ha ha.. It’s true. It’s her who liked to push me to always have something to do. Now I could not stop..

Anyway, my translation project went very well. It flowed since morning and the rough text has finished now. I learned about translation business in this project. I translated Indonesian to English for the first time. The pages shrink! Of course I had to double my effort because English is not my first language but then the pay is… same rate!! Ha ha.. The difference is amazing. I could get almost double of total pages in English translated to Indonesian. Now I know how I should bargain :-) I won’t do more than 20 pages of Indonesian translated to English. Twenty pages is the break even point :-D

I’m happy though that I have done something after postponed a lunch date. I want to read now and edit the rough text in the evening – the deadline is tomorrow. I also have some ideas for collage. By the way, don’t forget to be back to Now :-)

Photo of security’s bench in front of my window taken this morning after rain. Nice Now.

Jakar-trans

I started early to get time to work before started the day around 8:00. HJW study group starts again today. We visited Jakarta transportation office that of course manages Jakarta transportation.

RIT, AMA, and I ended up using taxi to get the place because RIT's driver was ill. I was going to drive but SUM’s driver said that parking space is limited. No hassle. We arrived early and no one in the building knew what would happen in the office. They took us to two rooms before settled us in a big conference room.

The head of the office gave us an hour long presentation about Jakarta transportation plan. It’s interesting to know the plan to provide convenient transportation for 8.4 million people (night) plus 4 million from satellite cities around Jakarta (day). Many are pessimistic about the plan but something has to be done now before 2015 where the population of private cars plus other means of transportation equivalent to the length of the road. Amazing ya? So we would all be in the car but not moving :-)

We had a hot discussion about many issues after that. The office was a super host for twelve ladies from many countries (only the leader speaks English as first language). We are twelve and they are seventeen!! I didn’t notice until AMA told me softly how many officers in the room. Oops!

Like a small party, they gave us tea and snack and in the end of presentation a lunch box from a Japanese fast food resto. We looked at each other not knowing what to do. It was only 11:15 but we had to have lunch anyway. It was good although the leader had to cancel our plan to have lunch at SHA’s huge coffee shop. We had coffee together at the HYA instead. It was fun to notice the way we communicate; when words get stuck, we expressed it in Indonesian so we could continue the conversation. It seems that Japanese and French speak local language better than English. I enjoyed it very much while AMA almost lost patience when she softly said Better not to talk. Ha ha..

I got home tired. Six hours in the heat and aircon alternately has drained my energy. I need to rest for awhile now before start to work again.

Photo of view from where I sat while having coffee latte with hazelnut.

How What Why

A friend asked me how I was this morning. I shared more of what I did than what I felt. I realized that it’s not easy to ‘label’ feelings especially when I was only up for a few hours. I could not tell if I’m happy, feel super, or feel low because none matches the actual feeling. Fine is just the right word instead of flat although I felt flat actually. Zero – to be precise.

I watched Babel – the many awards winning movie – last night. I felt emotionally tired after two hours in the roller-coaster of the story. The background stories have strong characters as an independent story so altogether is much (not too much though). And the interesting thing about the movie, it sets in three totally different cultures: Morocco, Japan, and Mexico (including America). I told RAD that the movie had bogged me down even more. Best watched in better mood.

Anyway, I learned from the three cultures about people’s emotion. How people deal with their personal problem that is very privately exclusive; almost impossible for others to understand why one has to feel that way. We all carry our own story that creates our own set of feelings. Back to theory, the key answer is in ourselves :-) How tough! Nice movie.

So, the urge to start working popped into head again this morning. I’ve been thinking for awhile but could not decide on what. Work and study are interesting but.. while I want to commit, I also want to keep my social time. Now I’m being difficult :-) Anyway, MBO has helped me. She shared some twenty pages to be translated into English. Must be fun.

I colored hair. I really enjoyed people’s comment on my new look. It seems that the shorter the better. Lunch was new. RAD and I enjoyed half cooked dish in a Japanese not-so-fast-food resto. It’s new to us because we had to cook a bit more of our food on a hotplate by adding either brown or garlic sauce. It’s fun for price under $5 (promo). My beef steak was not as soft as Kobe beef but swallow-able :-)

Now time for work although I really wanted to browse a new book I bought today, Basquiat. I’m his fan. I want to know more of his short life and work. I wonder why people who made mark in history die young.

Smileee..

My trick worked well yesterday. I turned off computer in the afternoon and entered silent moment with lots of reading. I actually went to meet PIET before dark. I was lucky – very – to get a slot of his hectic time. It meant to be..

My feelings after meeting PIET was super. As I had predicted, trimming hair is a great mood booster. Again, he gave me a new look. What left on my head? Almost nothing! I met WS, my color stylist, on my way out and he said that I’m ready to shave bald my head. He’s right! A friend had told me the same that I’m ready to look like a Zen nun.

Having a very short hair is not an easy commitment. Having very healthy hair, I need to trim every three weeks at least. Every two weeks is best and every four weeks is too late – like having too-long short hair like I was before yesterday. Mohawk.

And more I realized later, having short hair, I have to ‘prepare’ myself more. Wearing a mid-riff tee, I need to shed off tummy fat; having short hair, I need to style myself because my face is ‘bare’. The main accessory for the face is… smile! Total smile – lips and eyes. What a commitment, right? And of course the rest follows, as I don’t have ear pierce, I need to ‘decorate’ my bare long neck. I like the commitment though. No burden at all. I feel good.

I felt light when got home. I snuggled in couch reading the annual edition of The Economist. I was tired of reading ‘heavy’ material. I needed to check what happened in the other part of the world. My evening was ended nicely and early. I watched The Daily Show on CNN then slept in the dot of midnight. Very peaceful.

I spent all morning reading excuse me, your life is waiting by Lynn Grabhorn (I checked her website and felt sad to find her has passed away). I had seen her book on ‘must read’ display for long time but only last evening I decided to buy (simply because I was hungry for something light to read).

I found the book ordinary simple but nice. We all know about the power of having positive feelings but Grabhorn persisted on the Law of Attraction. She started with the belief of “..that different kinds of thoughts create different kinds of vibrations” and “..the vibrational waves (emotions) we send out are magnetically charged,.. constantly pulling back into our world anything that just happens to be playing on the same frequency or wavelength.” Like attracts like. And “once you start to see the Law of Attraction in operation, you ultimately come to understand that there is no such thing as a victim,.. no good luck, bad luck, .. or coincidence,.. only cocreators in thought and feeling, powerful magnets attracting like bees to honey the matching frequency of our ever-flowing vibrations.” In short, “focus on what we want, and it will come if we don’t sabotage it.”

It’s a nice reminder book. I don’t have to read all pages with examples. I can just squeeze the gist and benefit from the reminders she insisted all to believe. Focus focus focus. I feel like a teen age again – with dreams like a fairy tale – living in a simple nice house surrounded by nature with a loving partner and pets, and doing activities I (we) like. Never too old to dream :-) Why not?

By the way, before left house and of course bought the book, I tried to pull out my low feelings by thinking of simple pleasures. At 22:44 I managed to complete the list of 14 things that hit me on the day:

1. seeing someone’s radiance when meet me
2. someone asks me my today’s plan
3. get home and have washed face
4. knowing that I have done something
5. smooth traffic in normal hours
6. find a book I want to read
7. experience seconds before starts glueing collage – knowing that all elements have fallen into place
8. waiting for the ‘Inbox’ with unread message(s) to open
9. wake up in the morning knowing that day is young
10. wearing ‘successful’ newly-discovered mix n’ match
11. sitting behind my Cherokee wheel
12. walking briskly with a light heart
13. watching Chiko sleeps peacefully
14. Jakarta breeze in the morning.

:-)

Photo of smiles I found in ex tealight candle can – may be my next 3-D art.

Into the Light

I was so depleted last night that I could not do anything. I tried to create collage but nothing could be done. I enjoyed the cutting but didn’t have the patience to glue. I realized then that mood could give us a huge energy to make things happen.

I checked with Ms. Full Moon – RAD – whether full moon is approaching. It could not be. Okay, PMS? Actually, she felt the same melancholy. I gave up trying to do things. I watched Seal in concert on my broken TV. It didn’t matter because the sound was still super. I turned the volume up. I like Seal – masculine but soft. His voice and song are a perfect combination.

I continued listening to Seal's CD when got up. I finished three empty collages and submitted two to this week’s art challenges. I feel bad for not doing well but it’s better than do nothing. I have lost my voice..

I feel I better stay being a caveman today. A friend had given me the idea of being a caveman when things go wrong. To avoid further damage? May be true. I also think about trimming my short hair that RIT had stopped me yesterday. I need a mood booster..

Photo of my Into the Light.

It’s your choice

I talked to AM over phone for two hours last evening. Her life is in turbulence that I wanted her to know that I am here supporting and thinking of her. I should not worry much about her because she has handled it very well.. Very very well. The more I talked to her the more I realized how ‘small’ I am..

We talked a lot about believing in time and the importance of having a dream to achieve. If we don’t have one, we don’t have anything to project and time becomes irrelevant. That’s very true. She told me her experience and later helped me to sorting out my dreams that I was not sure I had. I knew I have imagination of the future but tried not to label it as dream – for what I don’t know. I could label my imagination with anything but dream is dream. Later I found out that I have a dream!

Flipping Oprah’s magazine for collage, I found Oprah’s thought about dream AM talked about. That’s perfect. She says:

“..Now that my life experiences have transcended every dream or expectation I ever imagined, I know for sure that we have to keep transforming ourselves to become who we ought to be.

..One of my favorites was “Be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind.” I believe that when you stop renewing, and are no longer open to change and the possibilities that continually unfold, you stop being alive and are just getting through the years.

Transformation doesn’t happen unless you’re willing: It’s your choice.”

Now I’m sending positive thought to AM who is welcoming her birthday tomorrow. May she reach her dreams in no time because she is already on her way.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AG will leave for Aceh very soon – in two days probably. It hit me yesterday that I lose an emergency driver and just now I realized that his office motorbike will be idle. Those changes. Time has come that I have to be independent in automobile area. No one will fill the gas and take the car to garage. It’s time to do regeneration.. Change.

I had lunch with RIT and AMA. It was a spontaneous plan. I needed to see people. Lunch was good although not super. I still have AM in mind. She enters a 24-hour meditation this afternoon at 16:00. It’s strange but it is told that she has to go thru this to cleanse the past life. My pray for her. She knows that I am here.

Photo of tugeh – Balinese house decoration.

Forever Friends

I got my first birthday card yesterday. A close childhood girlfriend is rarely absent sending me a nice card from wherever she is. I haven’t opened the card but wrote her a thank you email last night. Her reply is touching. It reminds me of how close we are as girlfriends for 35 years. It brought tears.

I started early running errands today. I really enjoyed my time. Sun was bright; as bright as Bali sun but not as fun because of hot and heavy. The parking ticket girl greeted me. She lives behind my house and recognized me. We talked a bit about our neighborhood. Nice.

The hypermarket was a nice place in the morning. So quiet and neat. I got what I need quickly in less than half an hour. It’s a nice exercise to walk briskly in such a huge place. It reminds me of my friend’s comment on my calm movement. I hardly associate myself with calmness when it comes to move. I like to do things quick quick quick..

I got PI mall early. I ran other errands including bought a money clip for MW. He liked mine and wanted the same. Nice. I ran into a good male friend from office. We made a date to have lunch after our birthdays that fall a week apart. He’s my first Aquarian male friend that I feel comfortable to chat. We have a lot in common.

And meeting RAD over lunch is always nice. It becomes a luxury now to meet her since she started school. Suddenly she has mountains of obligation in office because of the limited time.

Nothing important happened today but I feel warm knowing that I have a lot of good friends who care about me, who are there for better for worse, who support me, who push me to challenge life more, who remind me to enjoy life more,.. What a luxury..

Photo of sokasi (palm leaf box) I bought in Ubud as birthday gift for NIE.

Restructuring Day

Finally the time comes when AG would say goodbye soon. He has worked for FRA since the first day more than eight years ago. He got his bachelor degree in architecture last October and this morning he announced that he gets a job in Aceh. I am happy for him and support whatever his plan but..

We are going to have a general meeting tomorrow morning to identify what we lose and need after he leaves on Friday. That soon? Yes. But I’m ready because I know somehow the time will come that I have to bear the consequence of supporting staffs to get higher education.

I discussed with him to recruit another one, then let ML to take a course on whatever he chooses after hour, and AD – the only who has family – stays as anchor to look after house and workshop. I also dropped the idea of starting a food business; it’s too messy for a newbie. A small shop should be okay. Let me see what we can come up in the discussion tomorrow.

So I spent all morning and half afternoon finalizing my business plan for staffs. The time is right. I hope the new structure can end the cold war between LIN – FRA attendant – and the boys. How each other spends time at work has been a constant jealousy.

I also spent some times to bond with Chiko. He stays a lot with the girls since underwent minor surgery two weeks ago. I just realized a few days ago how little time we spent together. I feel like a mother who leaves the kid with nanny. Not good. We talked while he was resting under sofa-bed in guest room. I like the picture I took of him (shown above).

I blogged a bit half morning. I got an idea to create a new little commitment like a good friend who set up a blog to welcome his coming birthday in 83 days (when he started). I kept thinking what kind of similar project I could create. While many try to free themselves from commitments, I create ha ha. I also tidied blucolage. I grow to like blucolage more; the more I see my work, the more stimulation I feel to create more.

I’m satisfied with my day although – again – I postponed running errands. It’s not enough activity to do so I didn’t go but definitely no excuse tomorrow. I have accumulated too many activities by now: banking, grocery shopping, shopping for MW, and..

The Art and Soul

I made progress in business area. I made evaluation of staff’s remuneration trend to decide how to increase their income. Business is slow, I need to find an idea to help them to get extra.

I have suggested them to think about having a side business by the workshop. I don’t mind to ‘release’ some space for them to start a small business while attending the quiet workshop. One has come up with a warung Tegal (small eating place) and the other with cellphone business. I will support whatever they have decided after our discussion of course. I’m glad they have come up with something so they can enjoy a new activity soon.

I sent a thank you note along with the picture to my luncheon friends last night and MNE sent me a nice message this morning:

Dear H,

We enjoy every bit of your personality, your extensive knowledge
of Indonesian culture and your open mindedness. When it comes to being
quiet, it is kind of difficult to express yourself with two talkative
chicks (RIT and I) and a third one (KAT) who is trying to make her point
in between our constant babbling! We’ll try (no guarantee though) to amend
ourselves and give your more opportunity to express yourself.

To celebrate your 35 th birthday and to bid farewell to our beloved KAT,
I would like to organize a luncheon at my place on 29 th or 30 th of
January. You could invite PEN over and may be KAT could bring both
BJ and CA. May be MA will be back by that time and could join as well.

Have a great day,

MNE

MNE ‘insists’ on my discounted age. MNE and RIT like to clutch to their age to the last minute. I don’t, but who knows, I may be the same after entering a certain age :-)

I spent the evening making four collages that I really enjoy doing now. No burden as the ideas flows very well. Scanner kept me busy for awhile but okay after reading the online help that I found useful – like reminders what steps have to be done.

Glad I have a nice day – a combination of the art and soul.

Photo of my Connect Generously.

A Bright New Day

I slept before ten last night. I was so tired and sleepy that I could not see the point to be up unproductively. And as predicted, I awoke four hours later feeling fresh. It’s in the middle of the night and again, no point to be up that early, so I continued sleeping till morning.

I checked calendar last night when realized that end of the month is coming next week. That early? And it’s good that I felt the morning went slowly. I did lots of thing but time only crawled. I liked that I could do more! And I did! I tidied bedroom, looked after laundry stuff again, sent two birthday gifts, prepared merchandise for FRA, replied to emails, did short yoga,..

I feel much better today. I found a bright new day. I don’t have fear. All my fears have disappeared but still I treasure the feelings – it shows me that I’m still a normal human, not static, not a robot. As long as I keep my positive attitude, I shall have no worry. Being positive always wins.

I spent all afternoon for four hours with RIT, KAT, and MNE in a French fine dining restaurant. We had planned for long time to try this one. The private room had made us staying for ever. It’s like chatting in someone’s dining room. We could be so open talking about almost anything relating to a woman’s life: hot flush, hormone, being 50 60 70, being naked, what to wear in pool,.. And of course we learned about new jargon on boob job: textured, 200 vs 250, hi/med/low profile, round/pear shape, spacemaker, outer tissue, massage,.. Hm? Socializing is part of learning :-)

And when it came to talk about my coming birthday, they shared what they think about me. That's very nice to know. MNE thought that Aquarians are intelligent but she didn’t agree when I said they are strong and stubborn too. She found me in reverse, soft and calm. I was smiling. Hm.. you only met me a few times. RIT preferred to label me have a Buddhist mind. While KAT thought that I’m very independent and different (as Indonesian, RIT added). So interesting. I was smiling listening to their discussion about me!

And it became more interesting when they started to discuss about how to achieve such calmness I have. They laughed a lot thinking about meditation and taking lesson to be a good Buddhist. It’s almost impossible they said since they are too chatty. I could only say that it has to come from the inside like every thing else in the world. Now look who’s talking? I still have bundles of worry and fear. What can I say?

My Trouble, or My Problem?

I got up empty. Glad that I got a seat today. The last time I visited Ubud I could not get an extra day because of the cheap ticket was tight. This visit I wanted to return sooner than planned. This is when I need flexy ticket whenever I travel. My activities are run by mood. Lho kok tahu? asked MW the other day when I knew that he’s checking mood. Ha ha.. Artists are operated by mood, my dear.

Anyway, I had three-course breakfast with MW at IND. We called it farewell breakfast. Topic was still the same. Love hurts. MW talked, I enjoyed IND in the morning. I love Bali sun.

A friend reminded me that I have lots of trouble although it may not necessarily be a problem for me. Hm.. It got me thinking that I rarely thought of the difference between trouble and problem. That’s right. I may have lots of trouble but may have less problem. But trouble is trouble, I should sort it out.

I feel like entering a similar phase of pre teen-age when many are confusing. Cannot identify mood, hate but need parents, don’t like to communicate but can talk with friends for hours,.. I hope this is not part of entering the phase of “40 to 50” (the middle-age term has a not-so-nice connotation for me). It is believed to be the time to do bungee jumping in life. Oops. A close girlfriend just did. She is still on the way; not knowing yet whether would hit stone or water.

Now I sound too serious. I’m not. A big smile had helped me to get a better flight time this afternoon. My initial flight was two hours delayed so I begged for a seat in the flight before. I got what I wanted; even 30 minutes earlier.

Routines hit me right away. Checking laundry, crying Chiko, replying business texts,.. Reset. I had very nice shower with water pressure I like and am ready to rest now. I feel nauseous since morning. Now I’m confused – it’s my trouble, or simply masuk angin?

Photo of the three-course (yoghurt n fruit, French toast, banana crepe) breakfast and the view.

Fear of Loss

I didn’t feel easy this morning. I had fear of loss suddenly. Of what I didn’t know. Just insecure. I tried to create a collage but could only do the concept. I only had two interior magazines without many plain color pages to create a collage. I felt stuck so forget about trying. I texted MW for company.

We had breakfast at N’s warung near our shops. We were the first customers. It’s so good to sit on a bench, with a dog, by the main street, with Larry King show in the background. Ubud life is perfect; a blend of traditional and international life.

MW started to talk about the beautiful feeling of falling in love. He is soo in love with his two-year partner but experiences the same feeling I feel.. fear of loss. I told him (while telling myself) that nothing is eternal and we have the flexibility to be able to cope with any unwanted future. He nodded and sought out truth in my saying. Don’t look at me, I’m not sure either :-) A good friend reminded me out of the blue to drop all worries. So the only tip I can share with MW is “enjoy the moment”.

We visited my other ex staff’s shop nearby. I’m happy for him for he has good business since two years of not working at PLV. He even has better business than PLV. His small shop is unique, fresh with ideas, although some are ‘taken’ from PLV. I like to share and see him developing the ideas. Two thumbs up.

We continued walking in the neighborhood and stopped by some shops. It’s nice to see what our neighbors sell. There was a really beautiful shop selling mystical wooden statues from Borneo. Very beautiful. For the first time, I could appreciate ugly broken wood. I wish I had space to put such art.

More chatting at MW’s shop when we got back. KS, my ex staff, came along and we had a discussion as businessmen. I’m so glad to see someone I know well grows. After more discussion about love with MW, he and I decided to have lunch at IND. Discussion continued. No one would doubt: MW is in love. Later I told his staffs that they are lucky to have boss in love, he is always in a good mood. Boss and staffs agreed.

We went to MW’s villa project again. It was very hot that I refused to climb up. I already burned my skin, my face started to show irritation. I waited in parking lot with MW’s GM. I observed a Balinese lady who moved sand from parking lot to the building site thousand stairs up. She carried the sand in a basket on her head. I didn’t have heart to take picture of her. She talked to me every time she came down to load sand. She laughed a lot! She doesn’t have fear!!!

Our day was ended with another cup of Bali coffee. In Bali I could have at least two cups of coffee a day, unlike in Jakarta where I have two cups per week. I went to see Mbok Yan again before dark. Sometimes I feel more obliged – than need – to give people something to do so they can earn. She talked about her good relationships with husband. How they miss each other and time with four kids is supreme although they still have to work hard to build a house. I’m sincerely happy for her. What she shared is a rare story nowadays. Living securely without fear.

Photo of my breakfast at N’s warung: a single egg omelet and toast.

Everyday is a beautiful day in Ubud.

I had long morning in computer again. I didn’t plan to label my first 300 posts but I got the idea the other day so I did since yesterday. I need to read the old posts again to label and found it nice! I learn about my writing development and to write better. My project was slowed down by the connection but still do-able.

A friend asked me whether I have procrastinated when I said that I haven’t done any work. It’s hard to feel procrastinating in Ubud :-) There’s always something else more interesting (and/or important) to do especially when it relates to spending time with friends. I don’t meet them everyday, not even every time I come to Ubud, so they come first in priority.

I was also reminded about a broken relationships with a friend. Funny that took time for me to remember although it happened only 15 months ago (now I could count). I unintentionally keep the incident as mark but I forgive and gradually forget. I think my friend too has gotten over what has happened between us. It’s all about stop thinking about unpleasant experience then thing would be okay. We are healed by time (if we want). No point to remember anyway :-) It’s a nice morning review, like reflecting.

NGU asked for my time to talk about his concern. My heart stopped beating for a second. He told me that last night his brother was ‘visited’ by a spirit (kesurupan) telling NGU that he had to tell everybody in his circle to start respecting him. He is from Brahmin caste and can only be called by a certain name. I asked him who had given him his name I know now. PLV’s former GM. I told him that I didn’t have idea how he should be called and thanked him for letting me know. Also he said that there’s a girl in PLV neighborhood that had sent him ‘spiritual love message’ but has been ‘taken’ by the Dewa (God) who protects his caste. I was patiently listening to him telling his story; no multitasking. He looked serious. I respect him because I don’t really know the culture – especially the spiritual part. A new thing to learn.

I managed to finish my work before late lunch. Not much to do in such a minimalist shop. Just a quick review of sales and new stuffs. MW came over and we had lunch in “our” coffee shop again. We both read magazines and talked once in awhile. I like our friendships, not demanding at all, almost no ethics ha ha.. He constantly checked cellphone and texted his partner. Hm.. Anyway, we have agreed on “Everyday is a beautiful day in Ubud – with or without sales :-)”

I shopped in Pasar Ubud quickly before meeting Mbok Yan again. She did facial today. She is so good and I like her equipment from Japan.. in such a modest salon. Very nice. We laughed a lot about my age. Both beauticians gave me ten years discount. Are you being polite? Hilarious.

Before dark in Bali is the best time to enjoy outside. I read and had juice by the swimming pool till almost dark. It was sooo good. Bali is quiet, nothing but gamelan Bali played softly in afar and animal noise (ducks, roosters, dogs, geckos,..)

I finished two collages and the blog project. Happy now!

Photo of flower arrangement a la Bali.

No Point

I slept very late last night. I chatted over phone with a cousin for almost three hours then online chatted with a friend. It was a nice catch up. I learned a new ‘concept’ of no point. It amazed me that I could apply no point in many circumstances. No point to plan. No point to worry. No point to know. No point to point. Wow! Thanks for the idea to kill a speculation!

Bali is an hour ahead Jakarta time. I was in computer all morning and used computer clock to guide. I ended up continuing my morning as I were in Jakarta. I had no plan so no point to rush :-)

I spent noon time with MW in his shop. I did my long distance banking. What a technology to enable bank to verify their patron wherever they are. I joined MW and ANT – a landscape designer – later. ANT is our mutual friend, I know him a long time in Jakarta. We had nasi Kadewatan and were off to MW’s villa project in Sebali – six minutes drive.

The walls and infrastructure have started to develop. MW has also started to do the gardening that ANT was so eager to share his ideas. It was hilarious. We climbed four to five sets of steep stairs to reach the plain land for the villa. Imagining where the swimming pool would be was cool. It’s a nice location.

We continued our discussion in “our” coffee shop near our shops. Lovely place by paddy rice field. A friend of them joined and started the gossips. I was reading but could not help laughing learning their stories. Later I learned a lot about ‘life of others’, their double life, and the psychological situation of such life. It was very interesting since I never heard from the source. I also learned about their *** life. MW called today a *** day because we talked a lot about it. Even he offered me to continue the discussion over dinner. MW wanted to spend time for dinner?? That’s rare but I had to turn down because I already had early dinner downtown.

I learned a lot but didn’t do any work at all. I went downtown before dark to visit my ex staff working in a new art shop. She was soo happy to see me. I continued walking to meet my Timor supplier where I could not resist four old bangles. ANT and I talked about our passion for curio earlier. It is very addictive that we cannot turn away from old stuff. It’s hard to describe the feeling. Enjoying curio is like letting a magical energy entering our energy. Irresistible.

I got ojeg to take me back after having a very early dinner. I have learned, climbed, and walked quite long distance. Let’s call it a day..

Photo of MW's villa project and view from where I sat to have early dinner.

The Bali Way

Bali sun was energizing me, like magic. I’m glad to have decided to take a holiday after NY holiday. I could not believe myself I had been three months cocooning at home. It felt so good to be back on the road. I will travel more this year.

I felt tired. Flight was 45 minutes delay. Taxi driver was driving recklessly but I didn’t want to say anything. It made me tired to be shaken in the back. Dropped off stuff at PLV, I met my dear neighbor MW. It’s fun to see him but he often had something cynical to say. Like many men of his astro sign, he is adorable yet hate-able. My challenge :-)

I was thinking to walk downtown and rented a bike to take me back but.. weather was too nice. I sat in the garden for awhile while trying the internet connection – which is super slow for beta-version webpages – then called my favorite Mbok (big sister) “can-do-all” Wayan. I met her first time the last time I came for Ubud Festival last October. She worked in a salon owned by a Japanese. I was stiff and desperately looking for a massager when I spotted the salon next door. The place was small and clean; and she was good. I’m not a massage enthusiast but she was so efficient that makes me reconsidered my hesitation in the past. Short but enough.

Anyway, I called her to ask what I should do this visit. I have four days before her off day on Sunday. She laughed. Anything you want me to do, Mbak. Tell me. Massage today and the last day, she said. So I went. I also did pedicure. I told you, she is very efficient; all were done in less than two hours. She knew that I’m not a salon mania, she made it quick. I have made an appointment for tomorrow to do facial. I am pampered here. Today she charged me $6 for all. Visit Bali!!

I don’t have plan for the evening. The hotel is quite in the middle of a jungle and steeply high. I need the location for the internet connection :-) but then is too far for me to walk downtown. That’s okay.. I can arrange if I want. Ubud is ever flexible. And I’m not hungry yet. I have ideas to spend the night.

Photo of colorful me and my Bali gear.

Buy Nothing Year

I got up quite early today that I had to create something to do. I was stuck on blog-hopping then. I always like blog-hopping in the right mood; it gives me a new idea for my art and life. This time I got an interesting idea from Keri Smith blog that I check regularly. Often she has unique ideas – simple one – to make us treasure more of simple thing in life. Her blog title is The Wish Jar – Explorations of the Familiar. She has a long list of ideas to do, here are some:

2. Write a letter to yourself in the future. 3. Buy something inexpensive as a symbol for your need to create, (new pen, a tea cup, journal). Use it everyday. 4. Draw your dinner. 5. Find a piece of poetry you respond to. Rewrite it and glue it into your journal. 6. Glue an envelope into your journal. For one week collect items you find on the street.

How’s that? Check her blog for longer list :-)

What hit me today is her thought about Buy Nothing Year inspired by an article in Washington Post. I checked the article and hm.. that’s pretty strange. Here’s a paragraph from the article:

Attention holiday shoppers! These people haven't bought anything new in 352 days -- and counting. These 10 friends vowed last year not to purchase a single new thing in 2006 -- except food, the bare necessities for health and safety (toilet paper, brake fluid) and, thankfully, underwear, and maybe socks (they're still debating whether new socks are okay).

Buy nothing is fine but recycling is something. Learn this:

Everything else they bought secondhand. They bartered or borrowed. Recycled. Re-gifted. Reused. Where? Thrift stores and swap meets, friends and Dumpsters, and the Internet, from Craigslist to the Freecycle Network, which includes 3,843 communities and 2.8 million members giving away stuff to one another.

I hardly agree with the concept of buying secondhand things. Buy nothing is buy nothing – not even secondhand. Recycling is fine and also necessary but only things you already have. My opinion, the idea is not to bring any new things into the house. I believe many can survive for years doing this (Sis, don’t chuckle!!).

Last night a good friend told me that he took out some 50 kgs of closet clutter (clothes and bags). Fifty kilograms! That’s heavy; heavier than me! I tried to imagine how huge the bundle is since clothes are pretty light. Wow! I asked him whether he hadn’t decluttered for ten years, or.. he had far too many clothes and hardly worn. Hm.. there’s something he must observe then because that’s how I learn about my shopping pattern: check the unused excess.

The article mentioned about the group who bought secondhand sheets and pillowcases. Yew. Glad that I'm still happy to use my over ten years old sheets; even cooler and of course comfier now. And I don’t use pillow, I use less batteries (only for remote controls), what else?

Now what can I do? I always believe of what I have now is more than enough for five years? Ten years? I don’t have to worry about fashion trend because I don’t follow anyway. I like to buy anything timeless. Evening gowns? Batik is timeless and ever elegant since hundred years. I don’t worry about that. Shoes and sandals? Without buying new, I can survive till the next five years. I have a lot to wear alternately so no harm – not to count my weightless body and cute feet :-)

What’s the biggest threat of my shopping appetite? Clothes, shoes, and handbags. I have stopped with the second (RAD don’t laugh) and the third. In general I come to understand that I need quality stuff especially shoes that carries burden so I can drop the idea of shopping in bazaar things that don't meet my quality standard, or too trendy because of the short time span then. I have stopped buying household stuff (tablecloth, cushion-covers, throw) long time as I realized I don’t have space anymore and what I have now can be used over and over because of motif-less (not boring) and the good material.

How can I shape my new sub-resolution then, the buy nothing year? Can I start with one week first, then one month, then two months, three months, six months, one year? Like diet, we cannot stop abruptly what we are used to eat. Body needs adjustment, so my shopping appetite ha ha..

Photo of trio shoes – in brown, red, blue – I bought recently.

All in a Flash

I went to FRA for the first time this year. I was ready to pass thru bad traffic on the way to Kemang but it seemed that traffic was in control now. I calculated it’s only months since the start of the construction of bus lane in many major roads. Traffic was very bad then – unbearable – but today was perfect. The infrastructure has been ready. The bus will operate in the last week of this month. It looks good. Jakarta develops in a wink.

FRA looked empty – goods and spirit. I only stayed for ten minutes making a quick selection of stuff. I don’t know where the energy that had made me stayed longer. I also missed eating in warung in the opposite of FRA. I’m sure they miss me too.

AG and ML are doing well with the workshop roof repair. It’s bald now, all are taken off. Poor boys. I hope business is better this year. I want them to develop, or is it time to send them to a course? Hm thinking..

A motorist hit the back of my car. I felt that it was not my fault but he was so upset so I stopped but didn’t want to talk to him. I called AD, my staff, to meet me in the site. Funny, the motorist just drove by knowing that I waited for someone. Later AD told me that he might have thought that I had called police while he might not have license. I had good intention to help but he escaped from me. Strange.

H supermarket changed its look only months since the last time I shopped. It looks modern and bright. Super but it took time for me to familiarize with the shelves. Many patrons pushed their carts with the same expression – blank – ha ha.. Fun. I also spent some times checking books for DHA’s birthday next week.

That’s my day. It was quite productive but all were in super short. I like to do thing in a flash. I remember DHA asked me Don’t you think we should walk around in a mall? Oh DHA, you go ahead.. :-)

Photo of my Daydreams.

Cutout Contemplation

I started late this morning. It’s Sunday; like any other day for me – a jobless girl. I emptied my outgoing box then blogged. I didn’t have plan for today. Jakarta. Going out of house = shopping (including dining). I decided to stay at home again.

It was a nice weather; hot outside but not humid, so pleasant inside. I opened my collage cabinet to take out materials. After creating fourteen collages, I felt embarrassed for a silly reason. I felt that I had downgraded my art quality. What I did was creative fine but.. not good enough. Simply, not me. Not original. I realized that I really had to stop my laziness. Get a pencil and start drawing!!

So I did. I did very well with first drawing illustrating my laziness. The second and third were recycled drawings – I already had the templates. I love the fourth with two thong-sandals and a line drawing as background – about daydreams. And the last one is more a contemplation. Simple and silent.

I’m satisfied with what I have done today. I’m happy to know that I’m still able to fancy something different. Finished creating five cutouts, I thought about tomorrow. I don’t want to spend another unproductive day. It gave me idea to extend a productive holiday though :-)

Artwork creating is like contemplating. What I did today is in accordance with a quotation from Gail Sher’s book The Intuitive Writer:

"...art is a by-product of the experience of being with yourself, of living within patience. - Robert Beer"

Photo of chaos I made today.

Next please..

If someone is avoiding you, now is the time for a confrontation in order to clear the air. If anyone is attempting to control you, today is the day to reestablish your boundaries. Any unfinished business with others will probably come to the forefront of your life. Stop procrastinating and get on the phone or write an e-mail; just do whatever is necessary to push through your own resistance.

I have a horoscope sent to my inbox every day since a long time. I seldom take the reading seriously but most of the time it serves like a wake up call or a reminder to me. I got the above reading yesterday. I chuckled while thinking about what I still have in my outgoing box. I don’t like to procrastinate in relationships area so that's a good reminder for me :-)

Only later I realized that I also have many roles in life – like many others – that I may not be able to serve every body at the same time, only one at a time, but all are guaranteed to be served with love. It reminds me of HR Café’s slogan: love all, serve all.

I’m not a parent (that lifts 50% of life roles?) but mother of nine children (read: staffs) where I have to lend ears when one has broken heart or parent passed away. I’m not an employee but an employer (the burden is on me). I have staffs at home but I take the charge of doing laundry – dirty and clean – that I take as part of hobby so should not complain. I take care of banking and every problem arises around house from electricity to empty jars. That should not be a big issue either.

Meanwhile I have some dear friends that also need my being and mind to listen. A friend who texted me in the middle of the night asking about how to end a relationships; friends who asked me to accompany shopping from eye-glasses to curio; or two girlfriends in other countries who want to see me (MKO texted me yesterday asking me to promise to see her soon). It would not be fair if I say I don’t have time. I have 24/7 times 52. Plenty. A text takes less than a minute to compose; an email takes less than five minutes. I can still claim time for myself a lot; all I need is a good organization and discipline to cover all.

I called DHA, my son now, to check how he’s doing and his problem with skin. He has weekly homework to do with his assistance. I also checked how’s Mama doing. They are all fine and in peace (which is good). To call two birds with one stone :-)

I finished replying two reach-out emails just now. I like writing but composing an email is not something I can do easily. I need the first sentence; the rest will just follow, if lucky it can run smoothly.

I also spent almost two hours calling two childhood girlfriends in Malang. Nice long catch up. Having learned their life situation recently, I’m a bit emotionally drained now but happy that I have called. AM shared me her feeling when she lost good girlfriend whose life was taken by leukemia. Now she treasures relationships with living persons more. I could not agree more. So nothing in my outgoing box now. Glad.

I was in shower last night when I thought about the way a doctor serves the patients. There’s no way to avoid but serve everybody who's already in the line – although one at a time. It is part of the responsibility as a doctor and as for me is part of my responsibility to live.

I still need to call one childhood girlfriend to greet Christmas and New Year, plus catch up. Late? Nothing is too late. Remember, one at a time. When it’s done, I’m done with my unfinished business and I would be happy to have looked after my relationship business well. I can serve every body if I want.

Next please..

Photo of Majapahit Ibu – Brayut.

White Nest

I finished another three collages last night. The inspirations were there. I did it in no time and felt light about it. I slept before midnight and enjoyed longer morning this morning; posted the three collages and blog-hopped art blogs participating IF. It’s good to be back and interact with art friends again. Saturday is always the time to communicate with art friends, we are all online during weekends :-)

I got up tired and stiff. I didn’t do yoga two weeks since DHA visit. It took time to make my body becoming flexy again. I didn’t push harder but felt better after twenty minutes stretch. Our body really needs a constant attention, what a demanding body :-)

I tried to make another collage to answer IMT challenge but found myself blocked. I checked with RAD what her plan is for today. She was excited to make a plan but then I didn’t feel like to go out. It was too hot outside (35 degree Celcius!!), the sun shines very brightly. I prefer to nest in my couch become a couch and mouse potatoes – the latter is a new word in M-W dictionary :-) – for another day.

My couch is the center of my activity. I read, browse magazines to make collage, talk over phone, sometimes write in computer, or take a nap,… a solution center. I have long cables for everything; telephone and electricity. I want to be flexible around house, not stuck in one place for one activity. And this is the dangerous part of having a house too comfortable, no incentive to go out.

I learned though about the art of making collage. I seldom start with an idea of a theme. The theme develops as I browse the magazines. When mind works slow I recognize it takes longer to create an artwork. Making a collage is like playing mah-jongg, we have to remember what we have seen to compose pieces into an artwork. Often I spent time flipping the pages just to look for the right picture I had seen before. Grr...

Anyway, I'm happy nesting!

Photo of my white nest and the creative rubble.

Time to Say

I claimed my holiday after the NY holiday today. I was too lazy to get up in the morning. I stayed half awake in bed for a long time trying to lay a plan (of I didn’t know) but of course it was impossible. I missed my long morning but a good friend told me that never too late to start a good day. So I started..

I was in between wanting to have a good time with friends and spend the day by myself. I kept listening to what I wanted while creating a collage. My mind was idle. I was not interested in doing yoga or reading. I have lost the only kilogram I gained last month. I have lost appetite; even DHA’s KK donut doesn’t attract me anymore. I start to skip nasi for dinner because I prefer wheat loaf more. One of those days :-)

I ended up spending time at home having fun with collage while talking over phone with some close persons. Reaching out. It’s been awhile I hadn’t had contact with cousins and some other persons.

I thought about ego a lot today. It’s ego that makes someone upset. It’s ego that makes persons stop reaching out. It’s ego that makes someone becomes possessive. It's my ego that makes Chiko has to be sterilized. I found out many attitudes are centered on personal ego. I’m not sure what the theory says..

Today I found out two friends trying to reach out; it’s nice to know. Reaching out is not an easy thing to do. I appeared to be a demanding friend the other day when I reached out; it was in the wrong mood and definitely wrong time. Whatever, I’m glad that I have done since I needed to express -- to reach out. For me, reaching out is always a right attitude. And it always touches me when someone gives me space to not respond like what CAT wrote me I hope you keep in touch with me if you can or don't mind.

CAT, my lost friend from the art-group. We lost contact with her since last summer. Her family was not allowed to return to Indonesia and it had devastated her. It took six months for her to recover from the shock. I appreciate her effort to reconnect with me and us. I care about her. A nice quiet artist friend.

Anyway, I finished three collages although I’m hoping to create more. It has drained me for no reason. I want to spend my evening reading :-)

Photo of my time to say collage.

Curio Hunting

Finally, I accompanied MNE to go curio hunting in Ciputat. She had asked me several times but I hadn’t really set time so I chose today.

MNE, a French lady, likes genuine antique stone sculpture and thought that I’m expert in sniffing out the freshness of the stone. Uh. I know this is not an easy assignment for a reason. And it’s true..

Ciputat is an area where buyers expect to get genuine goods at a good price. I don’t like to say that I sort of know their business map. I had experiences that had given me lessons when I started FRA and it cost me a tuition fee to be a whatever-I-call-myself-expert. Only few, very few, stuffs that are really ooold and they put the stuffs among the original-fake stuffs. Clever eh?

I gave MNE an overview of the market at her house before we left. I told her to not believe in the genuineness of the stuffs selling in a market like Ciputat. No real antiques traded in open. It’s logical. She didn’t have a comment, or didn't know what to say :-)

We started from IW’s gallery. A well-known American who has sold antiques in Indonesia over twenty years and is into silver jewelry designing now. I let MNE to look around and pick what she liked. The price was wow wow (as always). I didn’t have a say, I just followed to where MNE liked to check. And later I realized that I had to shut up as I appeared to be knowledgeable to the seller. It’s a threat for them.

I found it hard to convince MNE that some stone sculptures she liked are fresh from the oven although it looked well beaten by weather. I could not explain elaborately in front of the seller, right? I just grinned when MNE asked me what I thought. I was pessimistic but how could I tell her?

We had a quite tough discussion in one shop after I told her that I was not sure. Apparently MNE is good in the history of Asia. She told me how the Cambodians and the Thais sold their genuine antiques. I remember a seller in Singapore casually responded to my bewildered comment on the genuine pillars from Banteay Srei (a lady temple in Siem Reap – Cambodia) that was sold in a curio shop far away from its site Historical sites need us to get government’s attention to preserve their treasure and people’s attention to appreciate the art. Aaargghh..

I realized that there’s no way I could convey the message to MNE so I just gave her tips: liking the art at the price you want to pay and never mind the genuineness. She didn’t look satisfied with my tip. I understand.

It gave me goose bumps to know that the sellers tagged at over 50 times of the original price from the craftsman and buyer like MNE is the right target – a buyer with a concept in mind and a fat wallet. It doesn’t work for me as a seller and/or a buyer. I learned.

It confirms me more that I am not a good businessman. Many shops in Ciputat do not hang price tag – only code – that give them room to set the price later which I think is not fair for the potential buyer. And it’s true; they set the price depending on the buyer’s profile (the skin color and the look). MNE definitely has the look to pay a small worn Avalokiteshvara at $2,500. It gave me a heart attack.

I was close to buy an old chair-like-stool for circumcision ceremony in Sumatera. I had looked closely at the drawer and other details which I doubted a bit but decided to take anyway. But then the shop-keeper told me that the phone line was off that they could not process any credit card. If they preferred cash they should have told me so, I could arrange. For a second I felt hm.. I smell something so I postponed the purchase. I simply didn’t like the idea of not telling me the truth. Full stop.

I bought a pendant though at IW’s, our first stop. I could not resist his creation. Super!

Note: Chiko is home. He has to wear plastic collar to prevent him from scratching the wound. He looks thinner in 24 hours. I care.