1,314 blog-posts in four years,…

I decided to move on to a new blog.

Year 2010 is the start of the exploration of my strength. What I am good at. Have written in English four years, in line with this year’s spirit, I feel this is my time to explore my own language. I may not excel at Indonesian either. But, I must have more strength in using my mother language so I would like to find out.

Been writing 20 blog-posts in Indonesian since the start of the year, I am ready to start a new blog about my days since I live in Ubud called
Sejak di Ubud…

The new theme, in line with the spirit of the Year of the Tiger.

Now there are millions of them!

My new friend and I talked about running business in Ubud. It started when I shared about how I gradually lost my passion for selling antiques… mmm artifacts because of tight competition in Ubud. I told her how I started art business ten years ago in Jakarta where the location and the trend were just perfect. My friend owns the first warung-internet in Ubud that I forgot to ask how long she has been in the business. She has been living in Ubud sixteen years. I remember I used to be her warung-internet’s patron eight years ago when I came to Ubud every other month and no wireless connection available.

Anyway, we also talked about the possibility of switching business that I still have on my plan. People share different opinions when I share my idea to switch. An Indonesian lady I knew said motorbike garage is a good business in Bali these days considering the population of people ‘on motorbike.’ I appreciated her idea but really I cannot start a business without passion. Another friend thought about open a funky warung and then the most popular idea of open a salon/spa. Hm… not my cup of tea. I put my idea to sleep at the moment but I don’t want to kill it.

At the moment, I’m still haunted by my year-end note that I haven’t got inspiration to write. I have received more and more notes from my friends in other parts of the world. Many notes are simple, Hallmark style, with family picture attached. I wonder if I’m going to end up sending the same. Time ticking. I feel a bit demotivated these days. I don’t blame others but it’s me. It seems I have to be back to my old me: share less so can focus more inside. Now I’m confused.

I had nice yoga today although I was a bit lack of energy. I didn’t eat well the past days because I could not take bigger meal. Yesterday I suffered for a couple hours after a dish I used to finish without problem. I also didn’t sleep well the past days that I try to see the connection with my intake habit. No connection. I just sleep short!

Hey I’m kind of excited with the transition I have started to welcome the New Year. My end of year ritual.

A mask from China in the museum I visited yesterday.

Life was like a box of chocolates.

You never know what you're gonna get (Forrest Gump). A friend wrote me the first part responding to my story about someone we know. It’s interesting because I thought about the notion since morning, way before he wrote about the chocolate thing.

They say people change. I too let myself change lately. Into good, into not-so-good. About the latter, I follow what I called ‘common practice.’ Like I said in some previous posts, some people are able to let the world wait while I was not. Now I start doing. I could see myself shifting. I survive living without TV since I moved to Ubud 2.5 years ago, now I’m considering to have one. I could hear myself I don’t need a helper, I may need someday.

And there are other minor things I let myself change. Bigger closets, iPod dock, better speaker, more shoes, more handbags… Things I said I was not going to need. Now I have. That’s when I realized that there are things I cannot change and certainly there are things I can change. I enjoy the change. I let myself floating without making a decision now.

I went yoga today. My only class this week. My teacher was wondering if I didn’t feel well. I told her about me being a supervisor for handyman at home. She understood. And nice that she thought I’m very healthy. I enjoyed the qualifier ‘very.’ It’s like confirmation to myself that I’m healthy. Well, I am. I feel good in and out and that is a nice feeling.

I spent all afternoon ‘beautifying’ my cabinets. Like old Dutch cabinets, I covered the glass doors with some kind of cotton runner (not lace like in Netherlands). I didn’t expect the activity took long time to finish. Ironing and figuring out how to fix. Lots of work but I’m happy with the result. My house is more home every day.

In line with the spirit of the day, Eid Hajj for Moslem and Thanksgiving for American, I’m thankful to have a nice day and reasonably good life. I look forward to having a bigger project to do tomorrow.

Interesting modified bicycle I spotted in Den Haag, Netherlands.

I can find a $500 decent bag without brand for my Mom.

She doesn’t care about Hermes anyway. My girlfriend told me in the car in Jakarta the other day. We felt quiet in the car after a lunch with Mangga Dua topic our mutual friend likes. Mangga Dua in north Jakarta is a wholesale market for anything fake and original-fake from watches, glasses frames, shoes, and of course ladies handbags. Heard the market is the biggest in Southeast Asia that people come by from many places in Asia to shop for merchandise. The stock comes in many classes (read: qualities) from the most expensive known as original-fake (details are very close to the original) to the cheapo quality that even non-experts' eyes can spot.

Those original-fake handbags, say, are not cheap! Surprisingly. Said an original-fake croco Hermes may fetch as much as $500 that of course heavenly cheaper than the original that is worth $20,000. Other original-fake from ‘fairly low-key’ brand like the popular Le Pliage may be worth already a quarter the original so not much difference for… a fake. I learned the fact from a single discussion we had over lunch. My friend asked me how much I paid for my Le Pliage. Oh! Yours is real? Put it on the table I want to see… I gasped. I didn’t think long when answered but what else could I say? I only carry real things in life so if you spot me with Hermes bag, you better sniff around who’s ‘behind me.’

Anyway, the fact has made my friend and I feel sort of sad that our friend is so keen of fake things. We both respect the original creator of anything. My friend is an art collector that has met many artists in her adventurous shopping for art. While I can call myself an artist. Though simple, I don’t like the thought that one may copy my necklace style. I can be choked when I spot even similar style. It’s natural feeling of a creator. We all create things with heart, inspiration, and creative urge that no one can explain how those become embedded in our work.

So I was just shocked when a friend sent me a link about a repro-painting producer in Thailand. At first I thought about a digital reproduction of well-known artists like Renoir and Bottero's work that we can buy at $15 in bookshops or souvenir shops. It’s not! An original-fake paintings! As in real canvas with real paints. The producer employs some 30 artists to make maestro's painting copies to meet orders from Europe and other parts of the world. I was chilled reading the article. What is this? Making money out of other people’s work?

I remember my art connoisseur friend in Jakarta once posted status on his Facebook about he feels sad because his fellow artists earn from making copy. He continued, if they can make good copy, they have hope to develop their own style to become real artists themselves, not become a good ‘photocopy machine.’ For one, he cares about his fellow artists. For other reason, I could sense he’s just tired of dealing with fake paintings he has to deal as part of his business running his own auction house. He can say not nice thing about the idea of reproducing. Like me, we are artists in our ways.

Can’t we make a difference by being a good consumer? GAP spends a lot of fund for making sure their products are not produced by child labors. I know that for sure because a good girlfriend once worked for GAP and she was in the law department. So it never comes into my mind to buy cheapo fake-o GAP clothing in the market for a quarter price of the original. I respect fair trade and its cost to make change in the world even I have to pay more for my respect. If I cannot afford, I don't mind buying anything within my scale as long as… it’s original!

It’s sickening, right?

An original painting I spotted in an Indian restaurant in Makati City, Manila.

Work is fun you know…

A friend wrote me when I reminded him to stop working on Saturday. He then elaborated why’s fun; he got people from some international organizations visiting him in his new station in Papua this weekend. Oh… I’ve known too well how fun work could be for many people. I’m lucky to be surrounded with people who loved and love their work since I was a kid. Although I decided not to follow my late parents’ path as teacher but I could feel their passion for their profession. Work was fun too for them.

I didn’t work today. I moved around house tidying up and packing up – slowly but sure. I thought the other day what life would be without things to do. Often I felt overwhelmed by things I need to do. So many little things like having a debt, it haunts me and makes me wanting to be free from any kinds of ‘debt.’ Free means tick everything off, not avoid.

Like many other weekends, I often chat with friends who are busy during weekdays. But this friend who has same sleeping pattern like me is busy all the time. He travels out of town during weekdays and works (happily) at home during weekends. He is the one who is connected to the Internet 24/7 except when he’s in flight. I admire how he organizes about 4 events per year that involve many artists per event. Managing people, that’s tough, for me I feel. Selecting artworks, expecting the artists to be cooperative, publishing catalogs, advertising the event, and all the details in holding an event. It must be fun for him.

So yes, the time before taking a break is my time to review what I have done and still need to do. I’m quite satisfied. I’m ready to have a good time.

Stretching in Sanur beach.

What? Are you a drama queen?

Yes, my friend nodded calmly and proudly. The conversation was a long time ago but I could not forget since she didn’t look like one! She said that she needs to be a drama queen once in a while to get… more attention! I know that but… Ugh. Really that is not my style but I am considering now. I rarely showed ‘escalation’ in emotion or… I did it quietly. Anyway, closed ones are so used to my attitude that later I learned I don’t have space to be a human and a woman. If I overreacted to something then I looked like I was not normal. Then I lost the opportunity to be out of my robot mode.

That’s why I prefer to be in robot mode at anytime. It hurt me to be aligned back into robot mode.

I sold four bracelets to my friend in Denpasar this morning. My first sell myself. We met since she’s going to take some to Jakarta tomorrow. It’s nice to see how people excited about my creation. I also got compliments on bracelet I wore today! I’m happy that I don’t have enough attachment to my creation this time. I enjoyed it but really it’s a ‘dedicate and release’ moment for me. So it’s nice! My friend has warned me not to fall in like with my creation too much otherwise I won’t share it with others. She knew me too well.

I spent almost six hours in Denpasar today. It’s an unexpectedly long trip. I made four stops and the traffic was not that smooth. I’m happy though. I always liked driving to Denpasar and running errands in the city.

Think I’m back to my mode now…

I don’t believe that I look like Papa in this picture.

I am now discovering the most powerful affirmations for me now.

My card says. I joined kirtan session again this evening. It’s always a nice experience: the singing and the new people I met. I experienced what ‘my partner’ called 'the most emotional session.' In the last part of the session, we had to be partnering with whoever sat next to us. So there I was partnering with a British guy lives in Hongkong who sat next to me. We had to look at each other while sending the blessing. I wasn’t able to stare at him – a stranger!! He had a hard time to do his part too! But… we managed to do it very well after the chanting starts. It’s interesting that we hugged a stranger in the end. I like the spirit of ‘be open.’

The past few days I thought about what bothers me a lot. This morning I could pin down two items: being refused and being preached. Both are strong terms that I don’t mean that strong. I mean just the concept. Like if I ask something and the other party turns it down. Yea, I’m just sensitive about those things because these days hardly one said Oh it would be nice but… instead of Maaf, next time. Yeah.

Or, if somebody tries to 'align' me by telling me what I’m supposed to react or do. Not that I don’t like to do the same to others. I do sometimes – automatically, unintentionally. But… I learn from my feeling about this alignment thing. I’m careful when I start with something like Oh you should… No one likes to hear that should thing. Or any approach that aligns… Ugh! So boring.

That’s just thoughts that came out when I was meditating… I mean when I was making bracelets. Making bracelets is like being in a light trance; I got ideas – some are bright and some are nice, I’m in touch with my feelings – nice and not so nice. It’s really nice moment! I’ve made some 100 bracelets now. I have sent 30 to Jakarta last week and will send more tomorrow. My manager-friend asked. My creation is getting funkier because my idea developed and also of the material I bought recently. Now I know what shape and color that can make a bracelet looks different.

I’m so hot about making bracelets that got me thinking how long it will last. I should not think about it but I can’t help it. I’m a person who likes to do things to the maximum then stop. Can be a temporary stop or for good. Anyway, I will enjoy it till it lasts.

It’s already late now. I need to feel free… not being aligned.

Pictures of bracelets among many.

What’s your plan for the next five years?

Ah uh. Like answering How are you now?, I often found difficulties in describing my feeling. I’m fine is a standard answer but I want to be more precise. But how to tell between not so excited but not low either? Anyway, I was blab blab blab when my friend asked me over brunch we had in a cafe near Neru. She drove up to Ubud from Sanur to accompany her foster daughter to rehearse a play near my shop.

I just knew this lady a couple months ago. We hardly had time to be together. We travel a lot and yea… we simply didn’t spare time. So it’s nice that she did impromptu visit to Ubud that she let me know only two hours before. This lady has done a lot in her life. She has lots of idea so it’s easy for her to plan ahead her five years. "I want to be back to French class I’d been taking five years, I want to focus on do painting again, I will continue singing course, I’m going to write a series of Book of Questions, I will start doing pilates again, I plan to travel more with my husband, I want to form a group of women over 40s…" Are you in? She asked me for the latter. Eh eh… yaa…

It's her great idea about forming a group for women over 40s. The purpose of the group is to support each other or in other words to kick each other to realize their ideas. She found out that many women have great ideas but lack of supporter back home so many ideas evaporate before materialized. Sounds familiar! To join the group, the members have to meet certain requirements those are… able to listen and encourage. Rrr… some women have difficulties in that department. So we had a good laugh!

My list I shared with her was short. Very. I left many aspects of life in the dark since I prefer not to put them in my plan today. She said I should do so I can focus. Uh ah… yaa. I shrank just thinking about it. I told her that I don’t want to be rigid with my life since I want to practice more of 'go with the flow.' But I could see her point and I’m happy to have listened what she had in mind for the next five years today. I believe she will reach over 80 with such attitude, like her Mom.

I’m happy with my day and afternoon. I made more bracelets after the meeting. Like trance, it’s unstoppable especially after I work on better and funkier stones. It’s me! Now what’s my plan for tonight? I better do five-hour plan at a time.

My dear friend I met on my way this morning. I can’t help admiring her! Another great lady.

Don’t you do padmasana?

My yoga teacher asked me loudly. She asked because she knew I could do. I could not recall which posture and she didn’t show it so I could not copy. I was so slow because I was hungry. I haven’t been in the rut yet: arrange what to take before yoga. I felt tired in and out after the class.

Yesterday my friend offered to take my bike to her husband’s bike studio. I didn’t feel like doing it because I wanted to save my day after yoga to do more things I need to do. Since I had lunch with her then dropped her off in her house, I took the bike with me. In the end, I spent 6 solid hours away from home. Another day has passed. Ya, but you should appreciate our time together for the first time and now you have your bike in good hands! My friend reminded me when I sighed about how a day gone by. It gave me that feeling.

She is right! I was just complaining about my days. Like people who have capital earn more easier than who don’t, people who are stronger get more supporter. That’s my observation about myself. When I feel weak emotionally, I scare people away. Good my friend stayed with me during these full moon days.

Now I blame it on the full moon again since I feel weak emotionally and didn’t have enough time to do many!

Two cicak engaged in a tug-o’-war in my bedroom long time ago.

I feel stronger when I’m with you!

My young friend told me when we were chatting online yesterday. Heh. Later I had to admit that I’m not that strong either when… rrr nobody’s around. It’s so common! And I often blamed it on my mood, on the moon, on other people… It’s easier to find a culprit!

The past two days I deal with myself. I didn’t let my mood guided me. I pushed myself to guide my mood. I worked on creating necklaces full time. It involved stringing, finishing, taking picture, pricing, making digital collage of the pictures, sending out the collage to potential customers, and… waiting! I managed to sell the sixth necklace of the A-Line in less than half day. Oh I am so proud of myself to have been able to sell it quite fast. Do I still have to convince myself that… I can do?

I also enjoyed taking my time. It seems I often prioritized others than myself that in the end I might blame on others when I felt I was not in their top list. That’s bad! So before anybody else, now I put myself in my highest priority! My neighbor friend kept telling me that it took him almost four years to learn how to put himself in HIS highest priority that he thought I have achieved that. I didn’t tell him that I’m still struggling to get there!

A good friend came to Ubud with her good friend in London. At first I tried to fit my schedule with her but she’s in between a planner and a whatever-happen-later woman so she changed plans literally every other minute. I once laughed out loud when she kept changing from an artist studio first, drink first, lunch first, a museum first, in our five minute talk. I’m not joking, I felt like trying to find the right time to hop in a fast running train. And there’s only a slight window to cut her thinking-out-loud. I had to pin her down with a question What do you feel like to do NOW?

So with my new attitude, I chose the time when I hop in and hop out my friend’s plan. I ended up a happy girl!! I had all the time to do things I needed and wanted to do without neglecting loved ones! I’m a strong girl, I could decide! I did the same with anything else. I stayed offline more, I don’t have to be there real time to reply to chat, emails, and… Facebook!

See how long I could stay in the state without coming back to the state where others become at the top of my priority.

My first project these days.

Keep smiling.

A friend reminded me knowing that I might be an one-eyed pirate this afternoon. It's nice and I kept that in mind but… I decided to get treatment in national hospital instead of private hospital I used to go for annual medical check-up because of the cost. I was surprised to learn about the difference yesterday. The national hospital costs one-third of the private for the same consultation (procedure and medicine costs are unknown). Also, my problem is minor. And, I want to try other hospital!

I made an appointment with the eye clinic in the national hospital this morning. Its website has helped me a lot in making decision. The pictures look good although some websites can give wrong impression too. I’m glad that I have chosen the hospital. It’s a very good one in terms of service, and it’s reasonable! Not cheap but fine. I was sitting in the waiting room of the eye clinic when thought about my national hospital in Jakarta. Said it has the latest medical equipments but said it's better to avoid to get a treatment there. A hospital where you can mingle with alley cats in VIP recovery rooms.

This is what I like about Singapore. Prompt! I sat on examination chair at exactly 1:30 as the appointed time. Again, the doctor looked impressed with my eyeballs condition. She gave good remarks. I must have had a good eyeballs and I have to believe that. She thought that my pimple is common like anybody can get it anytime. It’s not a disease, it’s just an unbalanced condition – like many things else that cause your body suffers from something? She suggested a procedure lightly… Oh shall we make incision as drainage? I saw we had no option. It’s a 'minor' procedure – minor for the one who does the procedure. I will numb your eyeball and give injection near the eye! My mind went numbed already.

So I waited for an hour outside the procedure room. All by myself. Playing with the what-if-s in mind. The Filipino nurse was kind to offer me coffee. I told her that I was too nervous to drink. Then she offered… chocolate!! Later I was glad to have this Filipino nurse. I feel at home. She stood by my side and let her hand being squeezed by a nervous Indonesian patient. It’s beyond my dream that the doctor sprayed my eyeball, then gave injection near eye, and slipped an eyeball cover under my eyelid before the knife dancing on the spot! I could not feel but my mind played its own show that made me very nervous.

The procedure took less than 4 minutes, I believe. The doctor said I was doing very well. I questioned her judgment since I felt I kicked out and squeeze the nurse’s hand hard. Oh at least I didn’t see that! The doctor calmly answered. I liked her (but I don’t want to see her again!). Young and bright! I was wobbly for a few minutes because of the anesthesia. I needed some time to get used to do things with one eye. It’s so easy when we play covering one eye then doing things. In actual fact, it’s so different! I had to be careful not to hit a pole or an open door because I could only see half of the world. Feel blessed to have both eyes functioning. Really!

Another medical check-up tomorrow then done. I look forward to having better days in Singapore while waiting for my eye to recover. I only realized this noon that the Great Singapore Sale is on since last May. I didn’t know! But why were many shops empty and did ones hardly walk on Orchard Road? Global crisis? Anything, it gives me a brighter side of coming to Singapore to see doctors!!

The sale is on!

We sit on different side of the table every morning.

She drives on odd day, I do on even day. A couple shared their regular practice at home that we thought was cute! I kind of like to adopt the idea. What nice to often, if not always, have different pattern. Liberating. Refreshing.

So I will practice it with awareness from today on. Actually, I already had the idea to practice since the couple shared it. Anyway, anytime is perfect to start a good thing. Never too late. Today is one of short mornings I have in the week because I attend yoga class at 9. My usual morning before yoga class was really hectic because… I keep the same ritual. I could finish do laundry, mop the floors, and wipe dry the car in time but I didn’t really have time to eat in ‘proper’ way and I don’t like that. It’s not nice feeling. This morning I dropped the ritual (it happens that it wasn’t raining last night so my porch is dry and clean) and I don’t plan to drive out so… skip wiping dry the car!

I also try to free myself from the confinement I created myself to write every day. Forget about not-brushing-teeth feeling! I just want to try to live without a fixed regime I created. It’s been long that I lead a life like robot, programmed and just move on and on according to the program. The reason I do, I feel safe and in control of my surroundings. What bad it is to enjoy controlling…

I spent Sunday with two ‘relatively new’ friends in Sanur. I had a brief meeting with a friend on Sunday market and my friends just came along from Ubud. It was a nice hot day! They had never been to Sanur so they found the weather is so much different than Ubud. I took them to see the beach, not so nice that it did not tempt us to dip our feet. The sun was just bright. Like we were in Bali!!

And yesterday I celebrated the 2nd anniversary of my first night spent in my Ubud House. It’s been two years since I went through the roller coaster of getting a house. I am lucky so many have said. My beautiful little house. And to make the day feel different, I answered to my friend’s challenge to do something I would hardly initiate to do. It’s liberating again to be able to push myself to do it. I thanked everybody for making me do it. What is it? It’s something I would even think to do!

I had nice day today. Yoga was good although a bit hard like I could not keep good balance of some postures. I had nice lunch with my yoga friend and her husband that was hilarious like always. And I’m done making arrangement of my travel with my ‘relatively new’ friends next week. Not so bad day after all…

Wave breaker in Segara Beach, Sanur.

You don’t want to think ya?

Linda commented on class of five since we didn’t comment on the new postures she introduced. Yea, we might not want to think, we just did the postures as shown by her. We also learned to do ujay breathing. Ujay breathing is 'breathing like baby' that I don’t have idea of the principle. It’s a long breath brushing epiglottis – in and out. We used the same technique in breathing throughout the exercise. For me to stay connected with my breath at all times is already a challenge. The challenge to connect what goes in mind and body. How we concentrate on something else while body is under crunch. Interesting.

Today we did less physical exercise but more acrobatic. I did well unexpectedly. I could fold my body into two with head between thighs for long time. I love acrobatic yoga, it’s a real challenge for body and mind of course. Linda told me that our body’s flexibility is more in the mind than physical limit. With her help, I made significant progress today, I could keep my legs straight when surrendered to gravity. A simple posture I thought I could never do. So it was nice to know more about my edge! It made my day.

I stopped by Neru. Ubud looked so quiet. I could not blame the downturn in tourism since my friend in Mexico is struggling with the swine flu issue at the moment. She has several businesses from art gallery, garment, to beauty care. It must be hard for her to have to give in the situation. Ubud is fine. It needs creativity to run a business these days, when one wants to think.

We are what our thoughts have made us;
so take care
about what you think.
Words are secondary. Thoughts live;
they travel far.

Swami VivekanandaThink? I commit to a new spirit this morning. Not to think! I learned the past weeks that too much thinking has stopped me from doing many. Too much consideration has killed my creativity and spontaneity. I remember how kids and teenagers in love do things. Blindly and without ‘calculation’. They are safe and can do many in the end. Productively and happily. So I would return to the states of being a kid and a teenager in love. Everything looks good!

My friend’s affirmation for the day is just perfect for me.

Happy kids from The Wins Project orphanage in Bedulu, Gianyar.

If I end up living by myself, I will move to Mexico.

My friend told me when we walked in Singapore. I looked at her while asking for her reason. She said she might not have the strength to face Ubud by herself. I told her that I don’t really like the idea. We didn’t discuss further as we both knew it’s a complicated issue that neither knew what.

Now I almost buy her idea. The past few days I’m toying with the ideas to have a second home outside Ubud. I have selected Ubud as my ‘final’ home eight years ago that I was ecstatic that I moved in much earlier than I’d expected. Living in my ‘final destination’ two years, I have been following the rhythm of the small town. The people. The dynamic. The arts. I love it. But I’m also watching the gradual change. I keep listening to friends who have lived in the town and on the island about what they feel about Bali now. It’s getting crowded. The world is getting crowded.

If many parts of the world are getting crowded then all I need is to change my perspective about a place to call home. Any place can be a home then. The only place abroad that I can think of is Siem Reap in Cambodia but heard it’s not the same anymore the past two years. I guess it has become like Ubud and Bali in general. Too commercial because of the growing tourism.

Unfortunately Malang, my birth town, hasn’t attracted me yet. I cherish Malang as part of my life but I still cannot picture myself living in the city. Malang has turned into a superficial city since I left the city for Jakarta almost twenty years ago. The development is worse than of Ubud. Many art-deco Dutch buildings are demolished and turned into house-shop buildings – modern, tons of them, and empty. It’s cold.

I’m considering to exploring other parts of Bali when I get back next week. I have all the time to move around the island to get to know more. Not merely for familiarizing with the places but also for me to know more about the ladies who reside on the island. I had a meeting with the Heritage official today about setting up the organization in Bali. They have expected me to run the organization that I still hesitate to start. I bargained on more time to set up a preliminary team first before talking about its practicalities.

Like all in life. To have options is always nice. So open mind and heart.

Crescent moon and a star from my present home.

Stretched my body to my limit,…

…I understood why yoga is good for our well-being. The first few minutes warm-up itself was enough to erase my past life, it set to zero – blank. I could not help smiling, thinking of loved ones who are ill, and wishing them and others well – in and out. The past few days, I’m having two loved ones in mind for they are seriously ill. My friend’s husband who has suffered from dengue fever since last week and a cousin in Jakarta who underwent brain surgery last night. Not nice feeling.

I joined 'harder' yoga class today for the first time. I wanted to know how far I could stretch my body. It was good but I felt like I was a novice. Some poses were like acrobatic and we had to stay in the pose for minutes before teacher ordered us to release. Concentrating breathing while stretching body in a complex pose, I didn’t have room to think about my worries and insecurities. I was distracted by the crunch all over body that after 1.5 hours I got used to not to think about my issues. I forgot everything. Now I know why people who do real yoga frequently could appear like problem-free persons. Yoga is a positive distraction!

I’m glad I had pushed myself to join the yoga class today. I needed, more for my well-being than my body. But I needed it for both actually. Mbo Yan had hard time to massage me yesterday. She thought my body was stiff like a metal sheet. Yea, I must admit that. The worst since I live in Ubud that I had very stiff muscles.

I felt relaxed after yoga. I could think well and plan to continue to discipline myself that I have done since yesterday. I stayed home clearing up backlog of many things. Business administration, personal and family emails, unpacking stuffs from travel, housework… It’s many little things that formed immense backlog. I was not bad though that I’m proud of myself since actually if I committed to myself I could do many in a day.

Last night I talked with a friend how I have spent most of my time for social – for myself and other people. I began to care since I also need to focus on my business, on my earnings. I simply don’t have long enough stretch of time that I could focus on what I need to do in business: tidying or developing. Combining social and business is not as easy as I thought because of time and energy limitations.

I might have to ponder this new thought seriously in the coming days.

The narrow path to my yoga class run by a Canadian lady.

My friend shared with me the other day…

…how happy her helper was after learned about my friend going to host our friend and me lunch in her house. Her helper often felt concerned about my friend being alone most of the time. That she didn’t eat a lot, that she didn’t talk a lot with friends, that she didn’t have friends come to house often,… She must be lonely!

Actually my friend’s helper was also excited to have learned that I would be around soon. My friend and I laughed when we compared notes. It seems that Indonesians and Filipinos are concerned with the importance of togetherness, while my friend and I would like to shout I want to be alone! We giggled.

Yea, a cousin asked for my confirmation the other day if I feel alone in Ubud. I said I am more than happy. Still he didn’t believe Are you sure? In the evening? It got me thinking. Actually, I feel not good because I feel very fine to spend mornings, afternoons, and evenings by myself. Like some of my friends who felt guilty when they enjoyed their time without spouse around. That’s!

So when a friend I hadn’t talked for a long time 'accused' me for being less happy because I live by myself, I felt Auch! I didn’t say anything but closed the conversation. I might not appear to be a normal Asian if I shared with him the opposite. It confirms me that as Asian we are suggested to mingle more at all times.

I bonded with Ayuk this noon. I asked her how she spent Valentine’s Day. She only giggled and didn’t share with me about her day. She must have a good time and I’m happy for her. Positive accusation.

She is the one who cares in my friend’s house. Nice Filipino lady.

I missed many…

…since yesterday. I held necklaces from Mama’s treasure trove. I was planning to redo the necklaces when came to realization that it’s Mama’s thought and energy that had been poured into the necklaces. I missed her suddenly. I could ‘see’ her making necklaces in her room with boxes of beads and silver nearby. I chose one necklace, my favorite Kalimantan red beads with many intricate silver beads, to hang on my bedside tablelamp. The necklace looked perfect on the neck of a modern metal stand.

And when my dear neighbor friend texted me for a hundred times now how he wanted to see me soon, my heart fell on the floor. I was busy since morning running errands around Ubud. I tried to finish all at one go. Good that it was sunny all day. It’s hot! It’s so different than yesterday.

I felt my tummy empty flat when I sat in my favorite warung to have late lunch. I did my ritual of reading today’s newspaper. Suddenly I missed life in Jakarta, the life, not the city. The Jakarta Biennale is on. I almost cried reading the art agenda held around the city. Got home, I found my friend left a message asking me to be with her at the Java Jazz early March that is a few weeks from today. March is around the corner??

And more when talked with my good girlfriend in Jakarta about her activities since she got back from London early January. Oh, you won’t believe it with happenings around the city. One after the other. The talk was so good. Rumahku was fully attended. We went on a tour with 30 ladies and a truck to carry terracotta we shopped in the kampong. It was unbelievable! I told my friend frankly that I miss the life in Jakarta.

We negotiated the time I should fly to be in the life of Jakarta. We hardly found the right date. Then we agreed on the fact that we could not get everything because she also missed fresh and clean air of Ubud… She dreams about it often now.

The guy who gave me stare-pressure when I was having lunch this afternoon.

My life is so erratic…

…the past two days. Like the weather. It looks like there’s a shift. Strong wind and horizontal rain happened in December two years ago. It didn’t happen last December although Balinese had prepared for such weather. They cut trees early December. And what didn't happen last December has started to happen.

Anyway, because of the weather, my plan changed often like the wind and the rain. I planned to work in Neru yesterday. I just got in when suddenly the light out. PLN worked outside. Ayuk laughed out loud. It didn’t stop me though. I worked manually with Ayuk’s help. Two hours giggling with her was fun. We did good work together. But then I had to leave early because nothing I could do in the dark without power.

It happened again today. A family issue forced me to sit all morning to compose a serious letter. So serious that needed reference and the skill of using beautiful words to express not-nice thing. It was ‘fun’. It squeezed my brain to dry after hours of writing – reading – sinking in – editing – reading – sinking in – final editing – reading – editing. Hardly ended!

Since my day plan had been ruined by the unplanned task in the morning, I stay home. The weather was so erratic that I didn’t want to wet myself in the rain. And my afternoon was even unpredictable. I washed glass beads I bought last Friday with my friends and started to make necklaces out of the beads combined with beads my friend gave me as birthday present. It was fun. Like my cousin said It’s like in a trance. I was.

And the decision I made before dark would make my day tomorrow like a typhoon. Maybe…

My friend’s infinity pool picture taken by Pien.

I still did my thing…

…when I started chatting with a friend. I called my thing working although I don’t feel right because I really enjoy what I do for living. To me working should carry the notion of suffering a bit. It's just my imagination for sure. I spent my days with necklaces I made. I had to change the label, take stock, and check out each one before send them to friends and Neru.

Anyway, like all working girl, late afternoon is the best time to slow down a bit or a lot. I opened my newly opened Facebook (FB) account for friends from office days. I started to chat with one helplessly. I called the chat FB effect. She guided me through the setting that helped me to save time to learn about how Facebook works. I almost lost appetite when I got an idea to open a new account to connect with family members. I got some invitations from cousins already.

My request to be friends with my cousins was replied in no time. They were online! As I’m their friend now I could follow whatever activities they posted. I didn’t expect people spend time in Facebook in happy hours. So I communicated a bit with them while I checked out their list of friends. I was still in inquisitive mode about Facebook. A cousin has 500-something friends in her list! It scared me. She must have known each person but how many sides of these persons she had known before she added them to her friend list.

Anyway, that is not my problem. Like my friend said, see the positive side of Facebook. I try. She told me that her husband complained every time she opened her account. Her husband is not in the club. I imagined later what happens if both are. They might not interact with each other but with hundreds of friends in virtual world. I could see how this game eats up our time especially when Internet connection is slow like mine. Facebook offers so many activities apart from connecting with your friends; like hatch egg, grow plants, look after pets, send flowers and chocolates… What is this? Isn’t it fun to do those offline? Now I start to see the negative side again.

I enjoyed Facebook I must say. Being inactive is enough to enjoy Facebook that runs in the browser's background. It’s nice to know what people think and act. We are social. Oh one thing I learned from this. The profile picture! It often shows the best of one, of course, but some people also like to have their picture with spouse or kids. While I chickened out by having iguana and Balinese leak as my profile pictures. Sorry.

In conclusion, while I enjoy having early offline Valentine’s Day card from my sister, I also enjoy being connected online.

The Valentine’s Day card.

My life is back to…

…routine. Mopped, did laundry, and had fruits. Things I didn’t do when I had guests. I simply didn’t have time to do those in the morning. Our mornings were full of chatting and laughing together. My cousin said that my house has magnet that we don’t feel like going out. It’s true!

I let myself being attracted to the house magnet today. I had looked forward to… I spent morning replying and sending thank-you emails. Birthday texts are still pouring in and I don’t feel like replying in text. It’s a nice sunny day that my cousin missed. It often happened that my friends missed the sun while they were here. It seems that Ubud liked to show its different side.

Facebook is far from my attention already. I realized this noon. None of my invitations to friends are responded. I believe one's level of seriousness shows so I don’t blame friends who didn’t respond to my invitation to be my Facebook friend. I don’t care enough either. Meanwhile my good friend who had pushed me to open Facebook account was excited that I already did. Said she’s going to separate her Facebook friends for me! I had tried to convince her that I’m not interested to be active but she was very sure I could enjoy Facebook after a while. For me now, nothing can convince me more, I am not a virtual networking type.

I will spend the rest of the day networking with myself.

A monkey-bank in Tegallalang rice terrace.