Single

Shall I stay single? A girlfriend I met online asked me the other day. She is entering forties and happily single. We often discussed about life with(out) partner. I know that she likes to research on the subject not because she becomes worried about her status but more questions herself about her need. Anyway, it’s a hardly end discussion about the most mysterious and complicated human relationship.

I don’t usually have interest in such discussion but with her I feel ‘safe’ that we wouldn’t escalate a mini war because of the different opinions. Generally we have the same opinions. We often giggled to realize that we might be men trapped in women’s body because we calculate things with head more than with heart. They say that's men's way to rationalize things.

She started pondering again about staying single after met an older woman with four boys the other day. Learning that my friend is still single, the woman whispered in her ears that it’s better to stay single (after asked for her late husband’s consent to utter the statement). Like confirmation of a sort, she digs more the why. Why a woman in such late age could feel that way about being in a relationship? It is interesting.

Later my friend shared me her observation about her married friends. She wonders why many people change after married. I think she wonders about herself too if she needs to change after join in marriage. I told her what I know might work is to be whole person before joining another whole person is important. She had the same idea but different term: to have strong personality first.

Anyway, she often asked me for tips on how to select life partner. I don’t have tips, but like men select their women by checking out the mother, I have the same tips. Check the father (and the family) first. The rest depends on what she likes. She also notices that different couples have different standard. Tentu. Whatever standard they carry is very much depends on the persons.

In the end of the chat we still couldn’t draw a conclusion if being a single feels more comfortable than being with partner. I told her that like many things in life, each option has its own plus and minus. How to make balance of the plus and minus after making choice is for us to decide. We agreed on having girlfriend is often nice but as life partner that’s not a choice definitely (for us straight women). And having a long-time male friend as friend-in-need is also nice but often he doesn’t fit for life partner. So no formula can be applied in considering to end singleness.

Then we were talking about a choice that has to be made by women of forties. It’s never easy. First because we are already a whole person so tolerance can be considered thinner (somehow). The second, I don’t know. Communication is always important but who thinks communication is easy. A good intention can turn to be a command for men. Not talking it out can be a volcano waiting to explode. Well Pien, good luck!

Photo of painting decoration at Juice Ja, Ubud.

Occupant

It’s Buda Kliwon today. Not sure what is about but don’t feel like consulting books/magazines at the moment. Ayu told me that this is the end of the Galungan celebration that is about one month after the first day of penjor (gate decoration and temporary shrine for the celebration) installed in front of houses. People might disassemble the penjor starting tomorrow. The penjor still look interesting only the palm leaves have become brownish now.

Anyway, some friends have started to buzz asking when I will be in Jakarta again. To be frank, I’m in the dark. I don’t have plan at all although it would be nice if I could be around mid March for some errands and meeting friends. Java Jazz is on again next week. An event I didn’t want to miss in the past but now seems so far away from my small town life. Things have changed. I laughed the other day when my soap biz friend said that he couldn’t stand Ubud heat and bad traffic. I told him that I had the same feeling about Ubud and Bali before but now I've changed. He just said that he’s going to bring along a torch when meet me in Jakarta (after I said that even my skin has changed color). So fun.

Nyepi (the silence day) is coming in a week. I used to avoid to being in Bali during the 24 hours of no activities that means no going out, not even activities at home, and no light allowed in the evening. As a tourist before, yes, I didn’t want to waste my holiday in Bali where we are ideally active (physically). Anyway, as a new occupant in Ubud, I will take the challenge to be inactive for a day. If I don’t want to sleep early, I could cheat by having a low light away from windows so the pecalang (culture police) won’t spot my cheat. Evil has planned how to spend the meditation day.

I’m happy with my day. I feel relaxed. I got two very nice offers yesterday that I have to consider. At the moment I’m in the stage of 98% taking both offers. I’m working on both to make it 100% soon. I take my time lightly and happily. I met duo Ayu and Komang for the second time this week. Ubudian that lighten my days.

Photo of Balinese women going to temple in the afternoon.

Explain

There are days when things gone wrong since I get up. People say I get up on the wrong side of the bed. Yes, the other day I got bad mood from the start of the day. Strangely it ruined my day! The way I think, speak, and worse.. the way I have an idea about anything are totally misplaced. It’s all gone totally weird and strange. Actually I’m not sure if it’s because of actually I'm a total weirdo or I should not have thought out loud. I learn that some people couldn't accept my strange breakthrough. Some might think I’m totally strange if they know I want to work in a restaurant as waitress only for the purpose of calming self. Well, I have had the idea since long. I really want to be ‘on the other side’ to know things I ‘might need to know’ in life. I hardly thought this wastes time because every minute is counted in learning.

I also observe if I have a bad mood, I didn’t think twice of what I say. In a flash moment I could just blurt out things I actually didn’t mean. Oh hardly in my life I regret about so many things I said in a day. Not PMS, not full moon. I just don’t like the day when I choose the wrong side of the bed. But can I choose? No.

I realize, I haven’t reached the level of calmness I want although I’ve mastered some aspects like in listening. I enjoyed listening to others lately or better say I have to for my friends and work. I practice what Pavlina writes about engaging through listening (I couldn’t find the post so can’t quote now). I’m able to fully listen to one’s lengthy explanation now. I don’t let something goes into my mind while listening. If I’ve decided to meet a friend, I have prepared myself to only listen (now I know why I become more selective in meeting people).

While I can express my strong opinion (some times blurt out) unlike the common Javanese, but I also know that I’ve engaged to a communication pretty well. I hardly meant to cut off someone’s lengthy speech although I could unintentionally respond in the wrong time, like clapping in the wrong interval. This is an area that I also need to work out, wait a little longer before reacting in communication. I’ve been good in written communication but, as much as I wish I could, I still don’t have a heart to say No need to explain.

Photo a statue in Ubud.

Less

Since I got back in Ubud again, I realize that actually I’m not good in running three ideas that take place in three different places. Not only that, but also different ideas in one place. I like to believe that I’m good in multitasking but I guess it only works in some areas of activities like talking on phone while typing and signaling person in front of me. Doing three ways of communication at the same time. That I can do. But when it comes to finishing multiple projects, bigger ones, now I know that I couldn’t easily focus to all.

For instance, I have a project in waiting, a significant one that is starting a new shop (still crossing fingers before I have the key on my hand). Then I've started to compose Mama’s living memoir with high flame some times ago. Then I have ideas to order stuffs for the new shop. And lastly, a friend wants me to search for soap suppliers in Bali to supply online demand from Hong Kong. Plus my activities in Jakarta like the necklace business and the museum, I found myself only focusing to what’s immediate, not pulling the entire strings together.

Now I feel disoriented in Ubud. I don’t know which string I should pull first. I could drop the shop preparation since I still have five weeks to go. Mama’s memoir? My idea runs dry at the moment, or the spirit? My necklace is in Jakarta. I might start the soap business survey. Something new. I feel that I have to be more relaxed (how many times I have to declare this) after entering forties. Less planning and also less… care.

Photo of someone plays saxophone by the Campuhan River. The joy of solitude.

Adventure

These months are full of birthdays. My closed ones: relatives and good friends. It starts since my birthday last month to end of March. We used to organize many parties, almost every week for a couple of weeks. I stopped attending one the past two years and also stopped organizing mine after the last big celebration three years ago. I celebrated with some eight cousins – all girls – in a hotel in Jakarta. We stayed overnight: dined and spent time in a bar. It was fun.

Anyway, yesterday a cousin and two closed friends share a birthday. They are in three different cities but with text messages I could reach them all. It’s so nice to know that we are all connected. I don’t feel like I live in a remote area.

I tried to exercise my car everyday. Yesterday I went through kampong. The car is in a better condition now although it develops new noise in some parts. It’s always when the garage have to check bigger parts like tire and brake system. Anyway, I have thanked cousin Aga for taking care the hassle while I was away.

And more, as part of my adventure of the day, I challenged myself to get a full body massage in a well-known place where I had foot massage the other week. Challenge is challenge. I didn’t think twice.

So it’s good that I’ve tried other masseuse, after knowing Mbo Yan, because now I know that Mbo Yan is the best masseuse I ever had. I’m not a big fan of massage, only after I met Mbo Yan I become an observer. Like when I shared Mbo Yan with my girlfriends, actually I wanted to know about how they feel, especially from the one who’s tried many masseuses.

Anyway, I could feel the difference between person who works in a service industry and person that does private. For instance, after I met Mba Ida (my scrubbing lady) I stopped getting service from a salon. She’s not good as masseuse but she’s the best in scrubbing. She said that she couldn’t do her best if she works in a salon because salons have rules and time. If she does her way, the supervisor would show disapproval because her way means 50% extra time. Understandable.

So Mbo Yan, like Mba Ida, works with heart and feeling. They take their time to make sure the clients satisfied while they also get satisfaction from a good work. Obviously, satisfaction needs time! So I felt like I’d been steamrolled yesterday. It’s funny because the receptionist offered me two style of massage: therapy and relaxation. When I asked about the difference between the two she laughed. Finally she said that the therapy is stronger. Fine, I took the relaxation.

From the first touch I already knew that the rest would be uncomfortable. She pressed and pinched the wrong buttons in many places. With my face down the table hole, I knew, that she just ‘do it’ like machine. The notion of steamroller came later when I felt she ground my back without stopping in some stiff points. She didn’t work on that but keep grinding. She might have thought I have a good yoga muscle, actually she's wrong. I giggled at the thought. I was stiff to protect my body from being tortured. When she did my shoulder and head, the torture was almost complete. I felt choked. I felt blessed I didn’t choose the therapy style or I might have had flattened. Some bruises are enough to stretch my horizon. In the end, it’s fun. I don’t regret, Mbo Yan could repair later.

For one l learn that stretching self is important. While I expand my horizon, I also learn to appreciate my past experience. Without comparison, I would stick to my belief.

Photo of roses in Ubud House.

Fables

I often felt like Goldilocks when entered Ubud House for the first time after travel. Someone’s been checking out my fridge. Someone’s been disarraying my desk. Someone’s been misunderstood my order. I felt all three when got in early evening yesterday. After I get in the house, before anything else, I always store groceries in fridge. Then spend some thirty minutes to ‘open' the studio: wipe the desk and put back the knick-knack the way I want, unroll kilim, unwrap cushions from its plastic covers, do bedding, and many more.

I was a bit annoyed when found two burned light bulbs were still in place. I tried to understand where I made mistake in giving order to replace the bulbs. I interviewed my staff this morning and still don’t know where I went wrong. I understand now that both too much and lack of information are misleading. I have to understand that some people operate without making analysis.

So I redid cleaning all morning. I used to be happy with my staffs' job but not lately after I started cleaning the house myself. I did quick mopping and rearranged stuffs before going out at noon. Ubud was raining since morning and I had to run some errands. Cousin Aga returned my car last night so I have a pet now. It’s pretty much the same. I have to walk my pet. Aga and I agreed on the source of my car’s problems are the Ubud's terrain and the characteristics of the traffic. In Jakarta, my Cherokee was very well exercised. Here? With narrow streets, dogs everywhere, and people walk; my car has no chance to exercise its big engine.

I chose routes that allowed me to accelerate. It’s good that I’ve known routes in Ubud much better now so could avoid clogged traffic while running errands. Two hours was enough to give the car (and myself) a good exercise. The brake system has worked pretty well. Only the first start of engine still has problem.

I spent all afternoon with Ayu in the salon. I got my face and nails done while listening to Ayu’s whine. She’s four months pregnant now and her husband has started to… beat her up. Honeymoon has been over – too short. She plans to ask for divorce (leave house for Balinese) after delivery. The story is like a fable with fictitious tale. Ayu also told me about how she had to look after her young siblings from three (!) stepmothers. She’s only twenty-two. What a life!

My life in Ubud has started again…

Photo of motor-taxi in Porong – the mud disaster location.

Devastation

I decided to leave six hours before my flight departure. The past two days people blocked the road to Surabaya, they marched expressing public dissatisfaction with the government slow action in handling compensation for damages caused by the mud disaster. I was nervous since yesterday since the trip was to be my first since the disaster broke two years ago. I heard many painful stories about the people and the commuters.

I was thinking to exercise Plan B: buy ticket to Jakarta from Malang then fly to Denpasar like last year. What a silly detour! So I decided to keep Plan A to challenge myself to be open to any change. I wasn't in rush. Also, it would be nice to experience a different route. Well, actually the decision came very late after a long negotiation with the taxi office. Although they’ve operated the business for some time now but every single day remains a mystery especially on the days when the mud explodes unpredictably.

I awoke when it’s still very dark, four o’clock. Adzan is loud from my room so I hardly missed the morning pray call. I just got up and started reading. I hadn’t finalized packing since I thought I had time in the morning. I was wrong. At six o’clock, Mama announced that her good friend from sports club wanted to see me and she’s on her way. Ah. I rushed taking bath and had been ready before six thirty. The life of orang Malang.

So for an hour Mama and I sat listening to the story of her family. Actually she came to hand me a bag of telur asin (salted eggs). It’s so nice of her. Before she came, I had time to write her a brief note asking help to write up her impression about being Mama’s close friends the past seven years. I was thinking to include hers in Mama’s living memoir. I still keep the plan from Mama although, like my friend’s suggestion, it’s better to involve her in the process. I need time before I come close to the format I want. When it’s time for Mama to ‘join in’, the manuscript has been ready more than 50% at least. That's my idea at the moment.

It’s funny. The last two weeks, I’m reading a fiction with Indian culture as background where a family business becomes the whole community business. When I sat with Mama’s friend so early this morning, I felt I was in the same situation where the community really cares about our life. It’s been years I don’t have ‘obligation’ to share my time without prior appointment. My life in Jakarta and Ubud now are pretty much isolated from the rest of the world. Especially now, as I travel frequently in and out Ubud I encourage my closed ones to make appointment to make sure I’m around, but then they thought I’m hiding something. In small town like Malang, we open our door for neighbors at all time. Like in India.

Anyway, the taxi came on time. The traffic was extra smooth. When we reached the area where the mud disaster happens, the driver suggested me to climb the dams to have a look at the sea of mud. I still had plenty of time. I'd never been before so I was devastated by the view from where I stood in the edge of the sea. Silence. No hope.

A motor-taxi (ojek) driver walked closer then we talked. He offered to take me to the middle of the sea to look further. I hesitated and decided not to go. We talked about the statistic. He worked in a shoes factory before. He told me about the hiking price of land like ten times before the disaster that many villagers could not afford to relocate themselves. How people sold their houses to junk collectors just before the mud sank it down. It’s interesting how people got the idea to strip off the house: door and window frames, metal stuffs, tiles, etc. They could collect some $600 a house. It’s better than losing it completely.

If I had all the time, I would like to stay longer. Another fellow driver joined the conversation. I observed both, they are nice persons. Really nice. I bought the CD he sells at $2. They got the movie from journalists who compiled footage about the disaster to be sold by the people. They also established a motor-taxi driver association (250 members) to take tourists around. Yea, the location has become a tourist destination. The people organize the parking and transport.

I waited three hours before my on-time flight to Denpasar departed. I thought of my nephew. I could have spent more time with him. He stood by my bedroom door in the morning observing me packing. It broke my heart.

Photo of the man (I forgot to ask his name) I talked with in Porong today.

Decelerate

I would like to follow you in your life in Ubud. My friend told me before she came to Ubud a few weeks ago. I came to Malang with the same spirit, I would follow Mama’s life. I did the first two days. Today? We went separate ways…

It was windy since last night. Minus the rain, the wind is like a storm. I wanted to make a trip downtown using public transport with nephew but my childhood girlfriend came over. We had nice chat for hours. When she left, it’s already noon. I wasn’t sure about going out although it’s dry and no sun.

Expect nothing. I’m a bit nervous about my travel to Surabaya tomorrow. I’ve tried to call two taxis but not happy with the arrangement. I have to leave five hours before the flight departure! Uh ah. And a taxi refused to take my big luggage. Well my duffel bag and a box are not huge but I also need space for my trolley bag. I haven’t decided what to do now. Mama is still out with her friend(s) since morning. I have no other head to think. Hey wait!

Time goes slow now. So the internet connection. I spent lots of time do blog-posting and internet banking. I couldn’t surf here, it takes up too much time. Chatting is not smooth either. I fell asleep while chatting in bed last night. My first time. I awoke an hour later after my last message. My! Malang is slow but sucks my energy slowly.

Photo of painting of my sister and I by my good friend’s mother more than thirty years ago.

Fall

I had nice morning. I intended to stretch out in the garden but it was raining in the morning so was wet. Before I managed to plan anything else, Mama’s friend came to congratulate Mama. It was still 7 o’clock. People start very early in Malang because no traffic here. She is Mama’s assistant in the university, she knows Mama very well. I’ve talked with her about Mama’s memoir when we met in Ubud last May. Today we had no time to discuss but I managed to let her know quickly her part. I will follow up later through phone calls and text messages.

Then my university friend came over. We had a hot chat. I hadn’t taken bath when he dropped by on the way to work. It’s always hot when talked about his project with government office and international institution. I like to see persons that have a passion for works. He loves his work as lecturer and consultant. It’s never ending chat when we meet so half an hour is hardly enough.

I went with Mama to a private library in a housing close to our house. It’s a family library that has monthly activity. Mama’s good friend had a talk about her recent book – like memoir. The library held writing competition months before and today they announced the winner. The talk was interesting. I read her book a few months ago, like a blog with selected posts. I plan to use similar format for Mama’s living memoir. Nice to get inspiration.

The rest of the day? Not much to do. We went to cell phone service center to check Mama’s new cell phone battery. Malang’s size and traffic don’t tire us. It's so convenient even if we make mistake because make another turn takes no time.

Time flies. We are going out to dinner tonight. Before I know it, tomorrow is my last day.

Photo of fall in Mama’s garden.

Endorsement

It was windy like storm when I awoke. Ah.. I thought it was raining hard as well. It was still dark but I had to be ready by 6:15. I got up before 5 o’clock, had morning drink, and read. Knowing Mama, actually I was a bit nervous because she couldn’t tolerate a minute late. Mama too was a bit nervous seeing me went on with my pace. And Mama’s friend was wondering as I hadn’t showed up when everyone was ready. Anyway, I made it just on time.

Mama’s birthday was again celebrated with her sports friends. This time we went to a farm in Lawang, 20 km from Malang. The farm owner’s mother came with us in the car. It’s a very nice place with lots of vegetables, fruits, and food of course. About 70 Mama's friends were present. It’s like picnic for them. They looked happy and although they are senior, they still acted like school kids when together. They teased each other during photo sessions, and other programs: sing and dance.

It was fun for us, Mama's small family in Malang. Uncle, cousin, nephew, and crew attended. Uncle brought door prize (not a real lucky draw since everyone got present in the end). He prepared it all day yesterday, the numbered tickets and the prize: pots of roses and apple products. It was a fun surprise for everyone.

It’s nice to see many new faces all morning. I talked with many of Mama’s friends. I’m glad that Mama has started to introduce me with special remark This is my second daughter, she lives in Ubud. Finally, she endorsed my new life. Yippee! When we got home around 1 o’clock, I felt like I’ve finished the day. I must have sounded happy, a good friend confirmed after talking with me.

In the evening, we indulged ourselves with after-celebration party. We had junk food for dinner!

Photo of us today.

Accomplished

It’s still 10 o’clock when I got in Mama's house. Of course, it was dark when I left house. I think Chiko was nervous, he miau-ed at my door around 4:30. So I just got up and played with him in bed. He slept in chairs close to me since I arrived in Jakarta. Poor cat.

The flight was good, a bit bumpy. Mama had a get together with friends from the Friendship Force in the morning. She tried to squeeze her time to pick me up but I told her not to worry about me. So it’s nice to sit in car – without driving – in Malang. I had a chance to see Malang from tourist eyes. My view now.

This town still looks simple. Although the infrastructure and houses look neat and updated but I could see that people are simply simple. I giggled reading signboards by the road I passed. I love observing signboards. Pity I didn’t have time to steal pictures because the traffic was generally smooth here. A neat warung with sign Juwal sayur-sayuran. A garage with sign Kursus bahasa Tionghoa. And there’s a little old shop between two newer ones selling only tobacco and accessories for smoking with pipe and tingwe (self rolled cigarettes). The paper and tobacco in jars looked interesting. Ah…

It’s so good to be back. Mama and nephew Dhana looked well and in harmony. They were excited when sharing the story of how they acquired microwave oven Dhana had asked for months. They got it from a lucky draw! It’s so nice to see them sharing a nice experience.

Mama already received a nice birthday cake from her close friend in sports club. She came with teary eyes hugging Mama. She’s always the first to congratulate and this year she came a day earlier. After she left, Mama showed me memento she prepared for her birthday celebration tomorrow. It’s very Mama, she always has something to share.

I enjoyed looking at the stuffs. It’s very her. Mama is good when it comes to recycle and reuse. I checked with her if the material is… recycled. She laughed. Of course not. She made use of textile in her stock to make a hundred nice wallets. Some are really nice because of the kain ikat. And to share the business with people she knows, she ordered a hundred jars of cookies. I’m amazed. Yea, she needs business. Simple explanation. It seems that she’s going to have a big celebration. She explained to me that she is lucky to have many good friends. It touches her to see how friends give her… attention. Ehm.. sounds familiar.

I showed her pictures of my house in Ubud. She loves it. It gives her idea to downsize her house but later she said that she couldn’t live without extras. Ya, she has lots of household stuffs. She showed me lots of baskets when I said I need one. Anyway, I told her that I have moved my Cherokee to Ubud. The reasons entailed for sure. She didn’t look surprised as she followed the details. She could even make jokes of the situation. I’m glad that after all she’s happy to see me happy leading a good life – on the right track. I’m doing good deeds.

When it’s time to have lunch, we both gasped of too much talking. We were light and happy. We changed subjects. Someone stole four pots of anthurium and forty small cacti from her greenhouse near front gate. Now the fence is higher with barbed wire. She’s not happy more because of the feeling that someone has entered her territory.

So many stories to share after four months of not meeting. I’m glad to have passed the most important piece of information on the first day. I look forward to having nice time with Mama and Dhana the coming days.

Photo of ciamsi in a temple in Cirebon – when a choice has to be made.

Result

Many have changed as a result of my move to Ubud. I realized it when I let myself being tortured by Mba Ida, ibu who scrubs my body since sixteen years ago. Her scrub felt rougher and she worked slower the past few jobs. I didn’t say anything but it’s a real torture to be nailed down in the morning while my mind wandering. I hardly enjoyed morning ‘pampering’ but I didn’t have choice. I had no other slot of time. And more, I had to listen to her venting the first half an hour. So it’s triple torture that I took lightly. Although I got the benefit but I did this more for her. My move to Ubud has closed her business in a way. I have told her many times not to rely on me solely as her source of income. I could only do my best now, as I won’t be around much anymore.

I also felt my good friends in Jakarta have changed. Fortunately, into closer. Much closer than I ever imagined. Some times I felt like having a new relationship because of the flowing nice text messages every now and then. I couldn’t thank them enough for sharing so much love with me. I could feel how they have appreciated spending time with me while I’m in Jakarta. It touched me when no one didn’t want to say goodbye and had a second look after we parted. If I don’t have steel heart, it would certainly melt in a second. No doubt!

At the same time, I also feel that I’ve been unfair for not having enough time to meet my other good friends. Time limitation I blame. It didn’t fit our schedule that’s all. I don’t go out in the evening as many have known and often my day has depleted my energy. Anyway, I have written some apology emails although it hasn’t drained the feeling completely.

I spent hours packing after another day out with good friends. It’s silly that I didn’t bring my other duffel bag from Ubud because I thought I could manage to travel light this trip. Like I said, that’s impossible. I am a snail with spiral shell that covers the mollusk at all time. I need to carry my nest with me too. I have to have my books (obviously more than one), business notes, gadgets, and heavy adornment. Also, it’s fact that I haven’t moved to Ubud completely since I still import stuffs. As much as I’ve tried to use local products; I still have eye rinse, many kinds of soaps, and particular food from Jakarta and elsewhere. So my regular visit in Jakarta now means stocking up. How could I travel light then?

I called Mama this evening and found her excited about her birthday celebration on Monday. She’s going to have a big celebration in a farm with seventy friends from sports club. It’s almost like a ritual she have had in the past few years. She has decided on the dress code and the gifts for friends. She sounded very well and happy but she mentioned about her doubt to have another birthday next year. I cut off. I told her to always plan her next birthdays and never thought to stop. She laughed lightly. I feel that she laughs more easily now. It touches my heart. I told myself to visit her more often from now on.

Things definitely have changed.

Photo of a sign in a supermarket I visited today.

Star

I had another short morning but no morning without stretching now. I’ve started to erase a guilt item from my list. I felt good when I sat in Benz (not mine, it’s BB taxi new fleet), like using my own car with driver. I particularly chose to use this taxi after tried the regular fleet on the first day. The driver didn’t know how to get the place and drove like bajaj driver.

By 10 o'clock I was in the Heritage library ready to have BA museum meeting. Nice to see some old faces. The library is the right place to meet friends because many groups like to use the place for group meeting. Today I noticed there’s many gold and silver stars hanging close to the ceiling. When I looked closer, it has name on each of the stars. A friend told me that the star is for people who have contributed to the Heritage. Aha! I walked around to find… my star!

The meeting was late and short. The project has been on almost a year now and no significant progress has been made so far. We have to deal with BA museum’s internal office politics and… personal ego. And the top-down culture where only boss can have idea and decide. All those complicated situation in a government office. So as team that has been assigned to assist the museum, we are working in the dark. We could only draw a vague conclusion, again, today.

I had nice lunch with two girlfriends. It’s funny that we used to have lunch twice a week, then once a week, then once a fortnight, now once two months. Our travel schedule only overlaps by days so often when we met one still had jet lag. Like today, our Melbourne friend was still disoriented but today is the only day she could meet me. When I’m around again in March, I would definitely miss the London girl and only have a few days to catch the Melbourne girl before she’s off for Taiwan. We laughed as we matched our schedule to meet again soon. It seems we have the prospect to be together again in May and in… Ubud! It’s worth waiting then.

I ended the day shopping (again) after having hair trim. When I was considering buying a sarong yesterday, my friend reminded me that I’d been a good girl in Bali for weeks. It’s true, in Bali I hardly spent money (except for business). So I bought the sarong. I carried the reminder till today. I bought myself colorful bras (on sale) and Crocs shoes I’d been eying for months. I need shoes to wear in Ubud. Some times I like to look more civilized. And don’t worry, it’s not the Crocs that looks like Dutch kelompen.

Walking out the shopping mall, I felt like a star carrying numerous shopping bags riding a Benz again on the way back.

Photo of my star in the Heritage library.

Gift

If it wasn’t because of my girlfriend, I wouldn’t remember that today is a love day. She told me about her ritual with her husband, rose and dinner. I told her that I thought rose and dinner are for still-dating couple. Eeek. Wrong!

So I remembered about the day this morning. Instead of getting a Valentine’s card, I opened TWO birthday cards in an envelope from my sister. Apparently, today is my birthday again! When I met my Chinese-brother friend later, he handed me a birthday gift. Either is belated. It’s the thought that counts. Thank you...

I spent an hour in Frangipani and met two customers. One is a long time customer lives in Sumatra and the other is my good friend’s good friend. It’s been a very long time not having a chat with Frangipani customers. I felt really good sharing about Buddha and nice art things in the shop. I felt like I rediscovered my passion for art and sharing it with persons of the same interest. It gives me spirit to do it again in Ubud soon.

The day didn’t go as planned because a friend could not make it but I had nice time with my Chinese-brother friend. It's because he considers me as his little sister so he’s my brother. We had lunch and spent time after lunch looking for gifts. He bought gift for his wife as they’re going to have Valentine’s dinner, and I bought a book for Mama. It’s funny, in Jakarta time flies so quickly. An hour in taxi to or from could be so tiring. Back home, I didn’t feel like doing anything.

It wasn’t a surprise that this morning I realized I don’t have much time left. I haven’t checked necklaces to take to Ubud, adjusted some necklaces, sent some things I promised to friends,… But you better believe it, I have started to packing again! So many things to do, so little time to spare.

Photo of a man a friend sent me to be my Valentine.

Guilt

Have you recently felt guilty for something you didn’t do? Guilty for not replying to emails? Guilty for not reaching all your goals for the day? Guilty for having spent hours browsing the web aimlessly and not having enough time to do something important? Guilty for telling someone you’d call, but never returning the call? Do you beat yourself up for it? -- thinksimplenow.com

Yea. I shared with a friend last night about I often feel guilty when spend a day sitting with friends just talking. Any activities that won’t make me move forward with my life makes me feel guilty. So he suggested me to just listen to my friends and to my inner voice to find what I can contribute to the Universe through my friends. Hm. But why should I feel that way?

The guilty feeling has power to bog me down although just a little bit. thinksimplenow.com has pointed it precisely:

“All guilt is self-inflicted and created by the mind. It is a feeling that we choose to experience. The feeling is rooted in our ego; a fear of not being accepted by the peers in our social group.”

It is my choice to feel that way because actually no one knows about what's going on inside me. Only a very few of my blog readers. I mean the reader of my blog is very few. So I don’t need to feel that way! I have a chance to turn the feeling into something productive. I should believe that no time is lost. All is counted.

thinksimplenow.com summarizes how to deal with guilt (any):

1. Fully experiencing the feeling
2. See to understand why
3. Focus on what you can do now
4. Brainstorm action items
5. Prioritize
6. Planning and scheduling
7. Be realistic

It sounds standard but I like each approach. We need the list although mentally we know. Right? The web also offers six steps for resolving self-inflicted guilt:

1. Create your guilt list
2. Brainstorm your guilt battle plan
3. Create your values list
4. How to fuel your values
5. Create your guilt reduction action plan
6. Habituate your guilt reduction action plan

I made a quick guilt list in mind this morning. My guilt are: I don’t stretch my body / yoga in the morning and respond promptly to people who reach out (via all means). Both are controllable because it’s all in mind, nothing physical. As suggested, I focus on one action item at a time. A good morning exercise determines my day. I feel good all day if my body is well stretched in the morning --before anything else. So I practice ‘reward and punishment’ method because I can’t rely on my commitment (only). For example: I can’t have my favorite meal papaya-yogurt-honey in the morning before I do yoga. Some people might laugh at the idea. Well, it works for me because I love my morning meal.

I spent a day with two dear friends in a mall. It’s strange, girls hardly run out of topics. The first two hours we sat in a coffee shop talking about Bali soap and villas. It gives me an idea to start a soap business in Jakarta. I like toying with the idea although actually my appetite for business in Jakarta has lessened gradually. Anyway, I take note.

Lunch was great. It’s in the new wing of the mall. We realized how Jakarta and Bali have developed greatly in the food area the past five years. Good restaurants are everywhere now. I looked around the corridor and inside the restaurant where we had meal. Wow what a business! And, wow what a simple life in Ubud! It’s striking different. Same good food and music, different elegance, totally different crowd style.

It’s a nice meeting indeed. It’s so good to be with friends who are interested to know more about the aspects of my life. How I lead life in Ubud, how I will start a new business, what I’m going to do with the existing, how I feel about The Secret,… Then more ideas pouring in: open a library with a cafe, have a secondhand book corner, offer affordable arts,… Oh oh.. I like it! I like to invite more guilt into my business. Guilt if I can't materialize.

Photo of flower in Ubud House.

Changes

I took time to take stock of my fear last night. I realized when I got home that I am now entering a phase of change. It’s not an easy path while I’m also dealing with commitment to reach my personal potential. I pump both at the same time, or the latter is the result of the former I’m not sure. It is courageous that I have to accept the fact that I’m going through changes.

I also faced a challenge to accept comments on my certain weakness. While I’m still dealing with the issue, after a few comments, I become defensive and resistant. It seems that it’s time for me to admit that I haven’t made a significant progress. So it becomes a big challenge for me to speak up asking for time to catch breath. Again, I was courageous to place myself in a vulnerable situation to face another response. It was not easy but I’m happy to have at least shared what had bugged me. I got the lesson anyway. Pavlina points it out:

“Invite ideas to flow through your awareness freely. Think about them. Agree or disagree with them. But when you find yourself emotionally resisting them, recognize that the resistance is within you, not the idea. When you track down the source of that resistance, you will soon recognize where you most need to grow.”

So I spent almost four hours with my friend who is now PR manager of a dance company. She’s going to Germany next week as part of her new position. The past two months we hardly had time to email exchange because of her new rhythm, my new life, her virused laptop, our distance,…. We set our date today weeks before to make sure we make time to see each other before the months swallow us again. I was touched when she told me that she “needed” to see and talk with me despite her hectic schedule preparing her trip. It breaks my heart.

I was a bit late running errands but I did it anyway. In Jakarta there’s no room to postpone things although it means to face a bad traffic later. It’s horrible I could not believe how Jakartan have led their life. Most of their time is spent in the traffic. It’s not new. So when my friend asked me to join her for dinner later in the evening, I felt scared. It has touched me though when she said she had missed me. I know she meant it. She sent me text messages almost every day since her visit in Ubud. She’s my lover now. A trip has changed our relationship to be closer.

I don’t think I might join her later this evening. Not that I don’t want to see her but I need time for myself. My eating pattern has changed since I live in Ubud. I don’t eat regularly, I eat more junk food and dairy products which are not suggested for an O blood-type like me. So many changes. I feel healthy though and don’t mean to live over a hundred years but I better watch the change carefully. Like anything else.

Photo of a sign in Malang.

Depleted

When things gone smoothly the travel time from the Ubud House to Jakarta house is actually short. Five hours: car, airplane, car. I’m lucky today. The flight was on time, very precise 10:55, but it wasn’t a good flight. It was sunny but cloudy so very bumpy. I read a new fiction all the way but the girl next to me had made me nervous. Apparently she’s not well, she went to restroom twice, and during the bumpy time she was gone praying. Ugh…

I had a relaxed morning. I got up when it’s still dark. I didn’t do much as I had finished packing yesterday. It’s still not easy for me to leave Ubud although I feel much better since I won’t be away more than ten days. I have made sure to busy myself these ten days.

Welcome to big and noisy Jakarta my friend texted me. The small and quiet Ubud must have impressed her. I guess she’s right. I feel depleted not emotionally but more physically a few hours after being in Jakarta. I don’t have idea what to write, I don’t know what to do, I feel sleepy! This is exactly the time when I need this piece of advice from Zenhabits.net:

So how do we beat inertia and temptations? Four basic ways, really:

1. Get moving, a bit at a time. Inertia is beat only by movement. Once you get going, momentum builds up and inertia is no longer a factor. So the key is to get started, and you do that not by trying to go from 0 to 60 in 5 seconds, but by trying to go from 0 to 5mph in a day or two. That’s doable. It’s all about baby steps. Once you get going, you’re golden.

2. Be accountable. Laziness, the second culprit, is beat by a bit of public pressure. We all get lazy from time to time (or, to be more honest, all the time), and there’s nothing wrong with that. But to beat laziness, we must apply a bit of pressure, in the form of accountability. There’s nothing wrong with a little pressure, as long is it’s not overdone. Pressure is a motivating thing, especially when it’s positive. Positive pressure includes encouragement from family or friends, an online forum, a help group in your neighborhood, or the readers of your blog.

3. Ignore failures — giving in to temptation is OK. We will always give in to temptation. Plan for it, accept it, move on. There’s no need to beat yourself up.

4. Motivate yourself. Most importantly, you want to really want it. It’s not enough to feel pressure to do something — you have to really desire it. I mean, really desire it, not just think it’s something you should do, or that you’ll be a better person for doing it. If pressure gives you the push toward your goal, motivation gives you the pull.

My memory went blank. I couldn’t recall my necklace batch. I need to work on this business while I’m in Jakarta. I need to blow life into it again. There’s so many things I need to blow actually but how can I blow if I feel depleted?

Photo of the lying Buddha yesterday.

Purge

When you are alone, everything that you have disowned, everything that you refuse to accept or acknowledge – they begin to arise. We begin to truly know ourselves, to see the genuine. And that is not something that can be told - it has to be experienced. – Zenhabits.net

It’s true. I realized more since last night the benefit of spending time all by myself. Something that not many people choose. To experience what is real is scary. Now I’m thinking, yes I was and am brave to face myself. I don’t even take 'the new alcohol' (television, nightlife, being constantly with friends) to be away from myself.

But I also begin to enter a dangerous zone of putting too little emphasis on my emotions as elaborated by the Zenhabits.net:

“Too little emphasis, on the other hand, often leads to repression. At best, you become an emotionless zombie – you can’t feel anything, for cutting off the bad emotions also leads to you not being able to feel the good. You lose touch with an important part of yourself. The worst case scenario? It piles up and you explode.”

Since it’s been my mode since long time, I just need to watch its flow, not to let it piles up and make me explode. I’m still in control. And as I gaze at all the parts I don’t want to; I’ve managed to bring it all up into the light of my awareness, to accept, to love. I realize more the notion of surrender, and more, I understand a bit why people stay in an abusive (not merely physical) relationships. It’s actually part of being an emotionless zombie.

I have let go many of my past habits especially regarding my like to archive which means ‘digging deeper into my feelings’. I still make lots of pictures but don’t print them all (only for friends). I stop archiving my journal, like these blog posts. If something happens with Blogger, then gone all my writings. I practice my friend’s motto: dedicate and release. I haven’t been able to create haiku (three liner poem) either the past years because composing a haiku needs a deep digging. I shred a lot to be able to being in the moment. I cremate my past minutes every minute.

This morning I decide to take the 'new alcohol' to light up my day, I’m listening to music! Ya, I don’t usually listen to music in the house. Only when I walk, I have loud iPod. It’s good! It’s a real 'alcohol'. It lifts me up, I need. It’s my last day in Ubud. I want to make a different routine. I would pack up my stuffs and most part of the house a day before I leave. I didn’t enjoy hectic last morning I used to have. So let’s see if this works tomorrow.

A relative called. She’s doing internship in a hospital in Denpasar for a month. It was a nice catch up since we hadn’t talked for years. Having known my lifestyle in Jakarta, she’s amazed that I lead a different lifestyle in Ubud. She sounds a bit worried that I’ve degraded myself. I laughed. She made fun of her comments though. She’s afraid I only have meal once in two days to save money. We had a good laugh. It’s not easy to explain my new Frugality Habit without leaving the impression that I’ve downgraded. I couldn't tell her that I still have body treatments in salon for face and toenails, although at 1/15 to 1/8 price I paid in Jakarta. I still collect lots of wardrobe but not hand wash/dry cleaning one. I still have a lot of handbags to match my wardrobe but non-leather one. I go au naturel. I reuse and recycle. So in general is pretty much the same. So I emphasized it again and again that the new lifestyle has nothing to do with degrading the quantity and quality, simply a different lifestyle!

I stay home, enjoying. Cousin Aga came to pick up my car. He’s going to sit my baby while I’m away. It’s so nice. He said if he had a house like mine, he would never go out of house. He would equip her computer with three different screens with simultaneous programs running. Another ‘new alcohol’: what if.

Photo of my new lying Buddha standing.

Earthquake

I slept like a log. Ah it’s so good awoken in a nice morning without earthquake. Since I came in Ubud almost three weeks ago I experienced at least two mornings with earthquake. I’m used to it now. Since I know it would pass in two minutes --at least-- so I just lied or sat in bed waiting. I shouldn’t be that relaxed but… Life is an earthquake anyway so feeling relaxed is the only thing I can do now.

Yesterday I met my neighbor friend and had coffee together before raining. Although we have shops next to each other but I don’t always see him when I’m around. Also because I rarely visit my shop so when we met yesterday, it’s been more than two months since I last saw him. I found him interesting as person but I like to say that he enjoys being with me... to torture. I hardly take it personally. I know him, he must genuinely intend to just tease me. But it’s strange that I found some people like to make others feel uncomfortable. So I reflect after meeting him yesterday. Have I done right in any relationships? Have I made others feel comfortable being with me? Do I torture or shake them like an earthquake? Nice contemplation.

I had busy morning. I redid my first piece for Mama’s living memoir. Having thought since started, I decided to write in Indonesian. First, I don’t have to translate later because somehow we need the work in Indonesian. Second, I really need to return to my first language. How can I master a language if I don’t use it actively? Now Tohari’s book cries for my attention again. My friends who read the translated version of the book have told me that I should read the original version in Indonesian. I felt reluctant since I hardly read Indonesian books. Now I’m thinking to start reading it to smooth my Indonesian. Ya, my Indonesian has started to be broken since I use simplified Indonesian a lot with my foreigner friends, and also I've started to speak the Balinese way.

It took awhile for me to retrieve my Indonesian words. I had to leave some words as is before I find the right expressions. Like the Indonesian word for wonderful, we only have baik. She is a wonderful wife eq. Beliau adalah istri yang baik. For me wonderful is more than good (baik), there’s a multifaceted expression in the word. And the word simple can be translated as sederhana which also means modest. So when I say Mama’s birthday party is simple whooo I don’t mean her party is modest but more no frills. So I’m planning to have an editor to have a look at the manuscript later. And find a good funky Indonesian editor is more challenging. Well, Gung, be ready!

And later when I really needed to go downtown for an emergency errand, my car didn’t start. I was all sweaty in the car but had to keep my head afloat. I shot in the dark, I called Ana and lucky he was able to show up in less than three minutes. Wow! He could be anywhere but close to my place?? Instead of visiting more suppliers today, I enjoyed walking downtown after ran errands. What else can I do? Just enjoy.

So I take life challenges one by one. Stay positive and consider each as an open door to a greater me. Enjoy the shake!

Photo of Buddha statue I bought in Tegallalang yesterday.

Memoir

Heyaa you should write a book yaa… A friend called me early this week after reading my long story about our friend’s visit in Ubud last week. I laughed. Who wants to read the story of my life?! Then she suggests me writing a fiction. So after a few turn takings, her message is Write every day and send me! Oh. I didn’t share my blog with her. A busy New Yorker in Jakarta won’t have time to read anyway.

I only started reading Sting’s memoir Broken Music two days ago although I’d already had the book since I watched his show in Singapore in 2005. I should believe that even a busy musician like Sting had time to write. I like his writing style. He says he’s not writing "a traditional autobiographical recitation of everything that's ever happened to me", only "exploring specific moments, certain people and relationships, and particular events which still resonate powerfully for me". But he writes with details of his feeling and memory that amazingly don’t bore me as reader. At all. A style that I don’t have confidence to start. Like my post, I rarely elaborate a situation. Well, actually, it’s all in mind.

Anyway, Sting’s memoir has flared up the little spark of desire to write a living memoir of Mama. My dormant desire since two years. I’d been searching for the right format that I hadn’t found till yesterday. In a few occasions in Malang, I'd talked about my plan with some of Mama’s closed colleagues but up to now nothing have materialized. I understand that they are busy with their lives too. So here I am in charge (I assigned myself) to make the memoir exists in the near future. I have set a milestone for the project – February next year before Mama’s 74th birthday. It doesn’t have to be in February, even later this year would be perfect. The sooner, the better.

I notice that people like to be ‘entertained’ with nice things. Nice things means positive. Hollywood movies entertain the audience with good-looking maid like Jen Lopez. It looks so unreal. I’m working out the same issue in writing Mama's living memoir. One’s life always has a combination of positive and negative, good and bad experiences, lightness and heaviness, yin and yang,…. So it becomes my challenge to pack up Mama’s life story into something only positive without forgetting the fact that she has lost Papa or struggled with life after had a stroke.

To speed up the project completion, I have set up a blog to communicate the material with sister Dina in the USA and later with persons who are involved in complementing the stories. A friend suggested me to also involve Mama in the process. I think it’s a good idea. He thinks that involving her would give her a chance to pass the legacy (which I believe she has a lot). We’re lucky that I live close to cousin Aga who could help us with layout design and printing later. So I must say that this time I, or must say, we don’t have reason not to kick this to happen soon. Ya Sis??

I made a trip up Tegallalang again today. I started before 10am when the sun was still weak. I stopped by some places and as always it’s a dangerous survey because it involved buying little things. It’s so tempting. Terracotta umbrella holder $2, tiny teakwood chair for display $4, big square batik coaster $1, white washed lying Buddha 80 cm $12,… Fine. I found a place that can take order to make display racks. The price is reasonable for sure. So I’m happy with my productive consumptive day. And before end of the day, Pallava made a big sales in six months. That makes my day!

Photo of Kampung Café where I spent before noon today.

Employment

You already know deep down that getting a job isn’t what you want. So don’t let anyone try to tell you otherwise. Learn to trust your inner wisdom, even if the whole world says you’re wrong and foolish for doing so. Years from now you’ll look back and realize it was one of the best decisions you ever made. – Steve Pavlina

Last week I felt like finding a job. Na na not 9-to-5 but part-time or freelance job. But when I didn’t have the urge, I spotted an interesting vacancy in the Bali Advertiser. When I looked? Nothing but a vacancy to sit a house. Well, it seems I had a strong desire to find a job since I got a grip on my business. Hm? Instead of challenge myself more in the business areas, I was thinking backward. I understand that many friends had laughed at my idea. Actually I don’t know why I often came up with the idea. It seems I also take working for others as a challenge.

Anyway, I came across Steve Pavlina’s post on the issue this morning. My breakfast for thought. Pavlina has a strong opinion about getting a job is a stupid idea. Here what he says:

“It’s funny that when people reach a certain age, such as after graduating college, they assume it’s time to go out and get a job. But like many things the masses do, just because everyone does it doesn’t mean it’s a good idea. In fact, if you’re reasonably intelligent, getting a job is one of the worst things you can do to support yourself. There are far better ways to make a living than selling yourself into indentured servitude.”

I believe very much in self-employment. That that is the best thing for us, but my opinion is not as strong as Pavlina’s. I still believe in spending some years after college to work as employee before starting own business. That’s the time when we buy an experience for our benefit later when self-employed. I like to call it a 'shortcut' (our employer pays the experiences we benefit).

And more about generating income through self-employment, Pavlina thinks:

“What’s the alternative to getting a job? The alternative is to remain happily jobless for life and to generate income through other means. Realize that you earn income by providing value — not time – so find a way to provide your best value to others, and charge a fair price for it. One of the simplest and most accessible ways is to start your own business. Whatever work you’d otherwise do via employment, find a way to provide that same value directly to those who will benefit most from it. It takes a bit more time to get going, but your freedom is easily worth the initial investment of time and energy. Then you can buy your own Scooby Snacks for a change.”

Well, Pavlina is lucky to have talents and creativity so be able to earn from alternative means (alternative to being employed). What percentage of people under the same category? I believe is insignificant. In the other hand, some people are lucky to have a special specific expertise in a particular field (now I sound hyperbolic) like water specialists, environmentalists, bankers,… Imagine them working from home since graduated from college? What a pity they were not exposed well through an organization. Mama started to be a self-employed after retired from teaching in university eight years ago. She now owns a consultancy office where she can still work using her expertise. I believe her years in the university have contribution to what she does now.

So lucky for people who have both talents: in a particular field and in imagination to produce artworks or writing of sort (including the ability to help and heal people through consultation, energy, and all those things). They can choose how they want to make contribution in the Universe. One to another, or in parallel. Well, that’s my piece of thought.

Hey, I didn’t do much today. I took the car to car wash and spent a very short time in Tegallalang. I was a bit late driving up the craftsmen village, it went twilight at 2pm because of heavy cloud. There’s no point to continue so I drove back. I made one stop though. I walked both sides of the street and was lucky to meet a nice lady who works for her husband (that’s how she considers herself). It’s a printing shop – handmade printing. The shop does thousands of brown-paper shopping bags for mainly France and Italy market. It’s all done by hand – the brown-paper bags, of course, and the screen-printing. I was amazed looking at the stock in such a small shop. The craftsmanship is neat. I asked her if she employs women in the village to make the bags. She confirmed. She said the shop has helped the women to earn some money for their cash so don’t have to ask husband. It reminded me of how powerful Balinese women can be since they are financially independent. Their need is small, their pride is big.

Although business-wise I didn’t do much today, but I learned more about how Balinese women live. It’s a good reflection.

Photo of my car in the car wash.

Category

It’s the toilet paper roll effect. It gets faster when close to the core. Also my life in Ubud, it gets faster when close to pause. Yea, I will pause my life in Ubud for ten days next week. I will be on mission: meeting friends in Jakarta and Mama in my hometown Malang. Although I feel my situation is like a toilet paper now but actually I look forward to seeing my loved ones. My friends have called the past few days making sure they would see me during my short visit in Jakarta. I’ve filled three out of five days with lunch dates. And there will be another museum meeting that I've seen baby step progress since the last meeting. I follow the ‘debate’ through the email traffic. Another challenge to face.

Like always, I could create a nest in no time. I once lived in a small, not so nice, rented house with lots of rats in the kitchen. The bedroom was carpeted and damp. I managed to live in the house for three years. I had turned the place to be my nest since the first day I moved. This house has greater chance to be a nest in no time. And now after I also use the living room as my afternoon and evening studio, this is more than just a nest. My new comfort zone! I walked out my comfort zone of fourteen years but have entered the new one in a flash (less than a year is not bad).

More about comfort zone. My girlfriend who talked with me yesterday showed her worry about my new life. The fact that I live by myself has worried her. I told her that I feel secure with Pak Pugig. Not that! Then what? Loneliness? I feel that some times but I could shrug it off with a good night sleep. Not that! she insisted. She even talked a what if, like imagining a wind back of my life. I appreciate her concern but I convinced her that I like to take time to decide important things in life, even if need a decade, but once I decide it’s a point of no return. So a what if is irrelevant ever. And more later when another girlfriend joined the chat. Uh… she’s confused with the notion of emotional and financial securities. It’s interesting to talk about women’s life.

My good friend who just spent a few days with me gave me a book on 500 necklaces for my birthday. I had a look at the creations thoroughly last night. Wow it gives me lots of ideas to make necklaces and pendants. I had to jot down my ideas because so many! Well, I like to have ideas but often the ideas just sit with me. So it’s good when two good friends kicked me off this morning. One said Success for today. One asked me to share what I would do today that I feel lightly obliged to kick something off today. That is good!

So here I am. I walked downtown and back. I visited a batik painter close to my house and promised to sketch what I want to order after browsing their design collection. I want to have different design. I also stopped by beading craftsman I know but I’m not happy with the price.

I don’t know what brought me, I got foot massage in a well-known place near my future shop. It seems I have to be more aware about established businesses in Ubud so can be a better guide next time. This place is amazing. I didn’t feel like I was in Bali, I felt like more in ashram. When I chatted with the masseur later, she mentioned about the ashram the owner runs near Ubud. Aha! I noticed the chant although I’d never been in an ashram before.

I learned about a way to do business in Bali on the way back. I found in at least two shops a style for patchwork-batik dress I ordered from Mbok Wayan in Campuhan a month ago. It’s so quick! I couldn’t claim it’s my style anymore. It’s amazing how craftsmen are ‘connected’ in Bali. But when I ordered tote-bags I designed for my future shop, the Ibu freaked out after finding out that I would sell the bags in Bali. For the first time I met a Balinese who strongly showed disagreement about the idea of selling similar things. So I asked her how she keeps her ‘copyright’ because in Bali it’s common to have “the right to copy” instead. She smiled weakly, she doesn’t know. So I gave in, my order could only be marketed in Jakarta. I respect her.

I walked home while again pondering how tough to run a business in Bali. Pallava style has been copied since three years ago. As I couldn’t do anything, I’m just happy to see people grow using my idea. Knowing that people copy my idea itself is an acknowledgment for me, and it’s enough. And my dress? And more I guess as I’m going to have a shop in the busiest street of Ubud. Then I'm thinking to change my display strategy. I have to display my original ideas in the back of the shop although marketing wise is not advisable. But I believe a good display of whatever would attract people to come in. Ah what a challenge especially when I’m thinking about selling my unique unusual necklaces. Thinking thinking thinking…

Having interacted with Balinese who like to categorize non-local into classes (in their mind), today I know that I couldn't run away from the fact that Balinese categorize me as:

1. A Japanese (forget about trying to convince them that I’m tanned now).
2. A 30-year old woman without kid (fine with me although they might try to be nice).
3. A woman with foreigner partner (I couldn't help asking how they came to the conclusion as they rarely saw me with man. Many couldn't give me a clear answer. They said they just knew it.)

What can I say? They’ve seen and met big international crowd in Ubud. Perhaps I really fall into the categories.

Photo of my bags and umbrella recessed in the Bodywork Center.