Feel No Fear

I awoke in the still gloomy morning. I stayed in bed half asleep, trying to gather my soul. I realized that any feeling from last night continues to linger in the morning. I stayed longer thinking about fear I felt last night.

It may sound silly but I can say.. this could be one of big fears I have. I am afraid I would not be able to write anymore. I was stuck without idea last night. Then? I was always proud of my capability to write without plan, just one sentence to start, the rest would follow. So can you imagine what I felt last night realizing that I could not write properly after many months of writing without problem?

That fear haunted me in the morning. It made me reviewing my poetry and collage which I didn’t do the past few months. Have I lost creativity? That is scary!!

I once thought that to-be-creative needs one factor: pressure. Limited time. Instability. Anxiety? Can you feel that? That you become more creative in finishing a task when time is almost due? That you have more ways to express yourself when your emotion is stirred? That you have bigger drive to accomplish something when in anger? At least, those may happen to me.

The good thing about losing ‘creativity’ is.. it shows stability: clear and calm current. I remembered discussing the issue with an artist-relative. She asked me to observe artists’ life that often have high amplitude. They are 'risk taker' because they have no fear of being instable. And actually, that’s what they need to be creative. I can see truth in the case.

Hey where am I? My fear reached the top when I greeted DHA who came with no-label transport because he missed AG in airport. I know that he is mature enough to decide but I was afraid that he naively judged people kind and sincere as he sees himself. Anyway, he arrived at my house safely.

The incident reminded me of what RIN, my cousin, told me that I need to have a kid to experience real fear. To sport my heart by giving it shock! She thinks that my life is too sound. Ha ha. She was wrong. We all have our own fear and shock. I don’t want to add what I already have now :-) Anyway, thanks for reminding me that life can be scarier in many ways..

Photo of bark-sculpture by Diah Yulianti titled The Spirit of Life with white and black girls on the chest showing that life has good and evil sides.