Purge

When you are alone, everything that you have disowned, everything that you refuse to accept or acknowledge – they begin to arise. We begin to truly know ourselves, to see the genuine. And that is not something that can be told - it has to be experienced. – Zenhabits.net

It’s true. I realized more since last night the benefit of spending time all by myself. Something that not many people choose. To experience what is real is scary. Now I’m thinking, yes I was and am brave to face myself. I don’t even take 'the new alcohol' (television, nightlife, being constantly with friends) to be away from myself.

But I also begin to enter a dangerous zone of putting too little emphasis on my emotions as elaborated by the Zenhabits.net:

“Too little emphasis, on the other hand, often leads to repression. At best, you become an emotionless zombie – you can’t feel anything, for cutting off the bad emotions also leads to you not being able to feel the good. You lose touch with an important part of yourself. The worst case scenario? It piles up and you explode.”

Since it’s been my mode since long time, I just need to watch its flow, not to let it piles up and make me explode. I’m still in control. And as I gaze at all the parts I don’t want to; I’ve managed to bring it all up into the light of my awareness, to accept, to love. I realize more the notion of surrender, and more, I understand a bit why people stay in an abusive (not merely physical) relationships. It’s actually part of being an emotionless zombie.

I have let go many of my past habits especially regarding my like to archive which means ‘digging deeper into my feelings’. I still make lots of pictures but don’t print them all (only for friends). I stop archiving my journal, like these blog posts. If something happens with Blogger, then gone all my writings. I practice my friend’s motto: dedicate and release. I haven’t been able to create haiku (three liner poem) either the past years because composing a haiku needs a deep digging. I shred a lot to be able to being in the moment. I cremate my past minutes every minute.

This morning I decide to take the 'new alcohol' to light up my day, I’m listening to music! Ya, I don’t usually listen to music in the house. Only when I walk, I have loud iPod. It’s good! It’s a real 'alcohol'. It lifts me up, I need. It’s my last day in Ubud. I want to make a different routine. I would pack up my stuffs and most part of the house a day before I leave. I didn’t enjoy hectic last morning I used to have. So let’s see if this works tomorrow.

A relative called. She’s doing internship in a hospital in Denpasar for a month. It was a nice catch up since we hadn’t talked for years. Having known my lifestyle in Jakarta, she’s amazed that I lead a different lifestyle in Ubud. She sounds a bit worried that I’ve degraded myself. I laughed. She made fun of her comments though. She’s afraid I only have meal once in two days to save money. We had a good laugh. It’s not easy to explain my new Frugality Habit without leaving the impression that I’ve downgraded. I couldn't tell her that I still have body treatments in salon for face and toenails, although at 1/15 to 1/8 price I paid in Jakarta. I still collect lots of wardrobe but not hand wash/dry cleaning one. I still have a lot of handbags to match my wardrobe but non-leather one. I go au naturel. I reuse and recycle. So in general is pretty much the same. So I emphasized it again and again that the new lifestyle has nothing to do with degrading the quantity and quality, simply a different lifestyle!

I stay home, enjoying. Cousin Aga came to pick up my car. He’s going to sit my baby while I’m away. It’s so nice. He said if he had a house like mine, he would never go out of house. He would equip her computer with three different screens with simultaneous programs running. Another ‘new alcohol’: what if.

Photo of my new lying Buddha standing.