Single

Shall I stay single? A girlfriend I met online asked me the other day. She is entering forties and happily single. We often discussed about life with(out) partner. I know that she likes to research on the subject not because she becomes worried about her status but more questions herself about her need. Anyway, it’s a hardly end discussion about the most mysterious and complicated human relationship.

I don’t usually have interest in such discussion but with her I feel ‘safe’ that we wouldn’t escalate a mini war because of the different opinions. Generally we have the same opinions. We often giggled to realize that we might be men trapped in women’s body because we calculate things with head more than with heart. They say that's men's way to rationalize things.

She started pondering again about staying single after met an older woman with four boys the other day. Learning that my friend is still single, the woman whispered in her ears that it’s better to stay single (after asked for her late husband’s consent to utter the statement). Like confirmation of a sort, she digs more the why. Why a woman in such late age could feel that way about being in a relationship? It is interesting.

Later my friend shared me her observation about her married friends. She wonders why many people change after married. I think she wonders about herself too if she needs to change after join in marriage. I told her what I know might work is to be whole person before joining another whole person is important. She had the same idea but different term: to have strong personality first.

Anyway, she often asked me for tips on how to select life partner. I don’t have tips, but like men select their women by checking out the mother, I have the same tips. Check the father (and the family) first. The rest depends on what she likes. She also notices that different couples have different standard. Tentu. Whatever standard they carry is very much depends on the persons.

In the end of the chat we still couldn’t draw a conclusion if being a single feels more comfortable than being with partner. I told her that like many things in life, each option has its own plus and minus. How to make balance of the plus and minus after making choice is for us to decide. We agreed on having girlfriend is often nice but as life partner that’s not a choice definitely (for us straight women). And having a long-time male friend as friend-in-need is also nice but often he doesn’t fit for life partner. So no formula can be applied in considering to end singleness.

Then we were talking about a choice that has to be made by women of forties. It’s never easy. First because we are already a whole person so tolerance can be considered thinner (somehow). The second, I don’t know. Communication is always important but who thinks communication is easy. A good intention can turn to be a command for men. Not talking it out can be a volcano waiting to explode. Well Pien, good luck!

Photo of painting decoration at Juice Ja, Ubud.