Simple

There’s something bothering me about the way Balinese youngsters perceive the concept of starting a family. It’s none of my business of course but I would like to take the lesson of thinking simple and adopt the que sera sera principle.

I have the thought since I learned that Ayu, who works in Yumi’s salon, is a few weeks pregnant. I knew her more than a year now. A few months ago she was scared because she thought she had a miscarriage. She took pills from gynecologist to ‘end the symptom’ that I really cared. I don’t have a say about premarital ‘relationship’ but I cared about her situation at that moment. Her boyfriend was jobless. Yes, boyfriend, not husband. And her pay too was and still is just enough for a month living with mother and at least two siblings.

Ayu is the one with mother who earns less than $2 a week (!) from cleaning dried fruit for handicraft. The mother, the third wife of the late husband, has four children and Ayu, 22, is the eldest. The second, a girl, graduated from mid school and works in a spa in Monkey Forest but doesn't contribute to the family at all. The third, a girl, didn't finish elementary school and just joined Ayu working in the salon the past two months. The youngest, a boy, is still in elementary school. Ayu works to support the family. She earns about $100 (about the lowest pay after tips, can be more) per month and only spends for her own necessities about $15. The rest goes to the family and two pigs. From her I learned about the price of a top she buys at… $0.30! She said there’s a lot in the market. I must say her $0.30 top is fashionable, so hard to believe that she could get such style at the price.

Anyway, she shared the story while doing my nails a few months ago. From the story, I also learned about pig business in Bali. For the Balinese to have pigsty (with pigs) in the big family enclosure gives the small family great pride although from the business calculation I found out it’s a great loss, or simply no profit. The Balinese like to save money in the form of goods. If they plan to build a house, any extra they earn is converted into a building material. Bricks today, tiles two months later, and wood a year later. When the building starts, the bricks have already grown moss.

I asked Ayu when we met the other day how she feels about her unexpectedly expected pregnancy. Naa ini dah Mba, kepala mau pecaaah!! She expressed that she is in a big trouble but I didn’t detect any trouble in her facial expression. She’s the same cheerful Balinese youngster I know that jumps easily when got an idea. I smiled. How can I comprehend this? I need to adopt the unconditional happiness from her.

I consulted Covarrubias’ handbook on the life and traditions of Bali. It’s written in 1930 so I need to know if back to 78 years ago the concept of starting a family is the same. Covarrubias explained:

“A Balinese feels that his most important duty is to marry as soon as he comes of age and to raise a family to perpetuate his line. A bachelor is in Bali an abnormal, incomplete being devoid of all social significance since only settled married men can become members of the village association…

Thus every Balinese centres all his hopes in having children, preferably male children, who will look after him in his old age, and, most important of all, sons who will take the proper care of his remains after he is dead, performing the necessary rites to liberate his soul for reincarnation, so it will not become an aimless wandering ghost… A man who does not obtain children from his wife has the right to divorce her and get back the money he paid for her; or if she dies or runs away, he remarries as soon as possible…”

So the event of pregnancy is a great blessing to the Balinese household. That’s how I understand Mbo Yan’s explanation that nowadays a young couple have to prove that they can produce children before tied the knot. We know how… and both parents support! They allow their daughter’s boyfriend to sleep over some nights in a week, or the other way. And the age to start a family can be as early as 18 for the girl and 20 for the boy. Hm… By the way, Covarrubias doesn't elaborate further about 'premarital arrangement' to ensure children in a new family.

Pregnancy is not a big issue for the Balinese women. I don’t know what potion they consume but they all appear to be normal unlike pregnant women who often look tired and weak. They still ride motor in such a well-known speed, do household chores, and work the same hard to the last day. Covarrubias writes:

“They said that most women have their children easily, and as an example they told of a woman who lived next door who had had her child unexpectedly while she was alone in the groves. She carried the baby home and they claimed that two days later she was already selling in the market.”

Not a joke!

Back to Ayu, I believe she does plan her pregnancy though vaguely. She looks relaxed. I have a feeling that she is very sure her family would be happy to learn that a baby is on the way. On the day we chatted, she just passed the news to her mother a night before. The mother unintentionally burned their meal that evening. Anyway, she has planned her wedding to be held before end of this month in her boyfriend’s kampong in Kintamani, north Bali. Her caste is higher in level than her boyfriend’s so she has to be ‘kidnapped’ from her family a week before to marry.

I listened to the procedure in awe. Unlike city girls who plan their wedding a year ahead, Ayu has two weeks. Apparently she has no problem at all. She invited us all to be in Kintamani witnessing her nata banten. It’s new for me to know that in practice the Balinese don’t make a commitment in front of third party (pemangku/priest, penghulu, pastor) like in Islam or Christianity. Only they are required to nata banten or arranging an offering together in front of a pemangku and families. I guess doing a household obligation together is already a formal symbol of togetherness as husband-wife.

So I’m happy for Ayu. I really hope I could make the trip to Kintamani as the date falls only ten days after I get back in Jakarta. I have high hopes though.

Photo of Ayu (middle), Komang, and their little brother whom the sisters believe will have many wives like their father.